donut tray

Three years ago, I blended a pie and ate it. It’s a long story, but basically, I lost a bet. I’ve always regretted the incident.

I told myself that it was a mistake. Looked back on that blended pie slurry with disgust. As if it were the blender’s fault. Or my fault for coming up with such an idea. Ha.

But what if I was wrong? What if the blended pie could be salvaged? What if…


I got drunk enough to just not care?

Like most days.

Sunday Night Cooking Class With Dave

Let’s dust off the old blender. Here we go!

Step 1. Ingredients, I guess

First you are going to need a pie. I strongly recommend a cheap, low-investment, low-risk, low-care-factor, generic frozen pie. Such as this:

"Hungry Man" Pie

Perfect. You will also need:

Scotch. For sorrow-drowning.

Scotch. For sorrow-drowning.

Please select your finest scotch for sipping throughout the duration of your cooking experience! But keep some shitty scotch on hand, too… because you are also going to need that later. Don’t forget the blender.

Blender. and scotch

You’re also going to need one of these things:

This is a "donut maker" (baking tray)

This is a “donut maker” (oddly-specific baking tray)

I received this Christmas gift from a previous housemate who truly understood insatiable my donut lust. But this is no ordinary donut kit; it is a “festive” donut kit. That basically means it comes with red and green sprinkles:

Donut kit: batter mix and sprinkles

It also comes with batter mix and frosting mix.

Step 2. Ingredient Removal

I want you to go ahead and remove that crap.

On the floor

Just like that.

Throw it on the floor, whatever. Just get that crap out of the way. We’re not making donuts here. We’re making meat donuts.

Step 3. Pre-heating.

Please don’t pre-heat the oven yet. You clearly under-estimate how long the blending ordeal is going to take. Spoiler alert! You will look like this before the end:

Drinking sadly

SPOILER. Don’t look at this picture, you fool.

But for now:

Drinking happily

Wheeeeeeeeee!!! (not a spoiler)

Step 3. Donut Kit Directions

You’re also going to notice some instructions on the box of the “festive doughnut [sic] kit”:


I want you to go ahead and ignore all that. It’s got some recommendations about oiling, pre-heating, Jesus, cooking times, the usual Christmas rubbish. Try to burn the box if you have a lighter handy, but it’s fine if you just put it aside and ignore it. Extra points for throwing it aside with vigour. Hail satan.

Step 5. Take A Drink

You’re clearly not drunk enough yet.

Step 4. Prepare Your Workspace

You will probably notice that your housemate has some stuff lying around.

Baked goods

Whatever she baked, it’s got nothing on the meatstrosity you’re about to create. If I even need to tell you what to do with it, you’re probably not cut out to be a chef in my kitchen.

Step 6. Blend The Pie

If the pie came frozen, first you’re going to need to defrost it: 20140323_203548 Blending the pie is no trivial matter. Last time I made the mistake of trying to blend it all at once: this created a thick pastry-slab which immediately refused to blend. The trick is to first scoop out the moist innards like so:

Lidless pie

Moist innards. They are very moist.

Blend the moist innards into a slurry:


Slurry. (It is moist.)

Upon adding the pastry, you will find that it no longer blends. After 15-20 minutes of frustration, please add a lubricant of your choice. The recommended lubricant is scotch:

Please don't use your best scotch for this.

Please don’t use your best scotch for this.

The alcoholic lubricant will add moistness to the gooey pie innards. Now that is a sentence I never thought I would be uttering.

Step 7. Dance Break!

Bonus points for an awkward “white man shuffle,” with arm flails.

Step 8. Scoopage

Don’t panic.


Keep calm, and scoop out the slurry into your donut tray – as follows:

Meat donuts

Behold! Meat donuts!

Okay, yeah, you can probably panic now.

Step 9. A Minute’s Silence

Take a look at what you have done. 20140323_211137

More meat donuts

And just think about it. 20140323_211142

Step 10. Fuck it. Lets’ dig this hole deeper…

There are 8 more holes left on that donut tray. You don’t think we’re done, do you? Please acquire another pie.

Apple pie

I don’t want to tell you how to live your life or anything, but I’d recommend against spending much money on this. If you can get away with petty theft, please do.

You are now allowed to pre-heat the oven. You might want to clean out the blender, too, unless you like meat in your desserts…

Step A Billion. Blendage, The Sequel: 2 Pie 2 Blend

Microwave pie until shit:

applie pie falling apart

fucking perfect

Now blend the splattery moist innards:

more pie blendage

Gradually add pastry until it refuses to blend, and then add some more.

depressed drinking

“this is my life now”

Step Whatever. Lubrication

Having wasted enough quality scotch for one day, I would suggest another lubricant for the apple-pie-donut:

I missed the memo, but apparently everyone drinks cider now.

I missed the memo, but apparently everyone drinks cider now.

Admire your handiwork.

blended apple pie

For those who just tuned in, we’re blending pies and drinking scotch. More as this story develops, unfortunately.


Step 13? Scoop 2: Revenge of the Scoop

Please scoop  the apple-pie-sauce into your donut tray: 20140323_210822

Step 14. Bake it till you make it.

Throw the tray in the oven and bake on “hot” for “a while”. At approximately “not quite ready,” your donuts should look like this:

half baked donuts

Let’s just pretend the brown ones are chocolate, okay?

If in doubt, leave the donuts in the oven for longer because it delays the length of time until you have to insert them into your face.

Step 15. The Final Product! Exciting!

Take a look at your meatstrocities:

Baked donuts

Behold! The applepocalypse!

Scoop them onto a plate:

donuts on plate

Dinner and dessert is served! You poor bastard…

Step 16. Get Feedback

Acquire a test subject (in the form of a housemate), and lure them in using cheap tricks:

smiley donuts

“Look! It’s a smiling face! Clearly this is a delicious thing”

Observe her reaction:

housemate reaction

She loves it.

Nailed it.

Step 17. Analyse Feedback

Direct quotes: “I’m not having any more of that one.” – after sampling the meat donut. Obviously she just doesn’t want too much of a good thing.

“That’s pretty good!” – after finishing an apple pie donut. This one clearly proved irresistible. Success!

Step 18. But Seriously, The Apple Ones Are Delicious

donuts on plate

Just ignore that thing in the middle.

Honestly, would you turn one down?

Step 19. Sprinkles, Bitch!

sprinkles on donuts The pie-donuts are now ‘festive’.

Step 20. Drink to your Triumph!

20140323_211423 You are now a master chef. Repeat step 7. You’ve earned it.

2 Responses to “More Blended Pies”

  1. My god… you’re like a cooking (drinking) genius.

  2. Can we call the middle ones meatnuts? For immature giggles?

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