Originally posted on 6th June 2011. ~ “Uh, Mr Doyle.” “Huh?”, I opened my eyes. “This is quite important; you should probably be awake.” “Suit yourself.” I sat up a little straighter. “Also you can’t have that drink in here.” “What drink?” I sipped my drink and pondered the question. “Um, that one.” “What one?” I swirled my glass listening...

Two would-be burglars have been caught red-handed, and black faced as they tried to flee from an attempted robbery.

The two geniuses, Matthew McNelly, 23, and Joey Miller, 20, sought to break into a flat in the US on the weekend, but were forced to flee the scene after witnesses interrupted their attempt. Their bad luck didn’t end there though, and they were soon caught nearby when police identified them by their nikko-pen masks they had drawn on their faces.

In a stroke of pure, unadulterated intelligence the pair saved themselves the three scant dollars it would have cost to buy a women’s stocking, and used permanent marker to draw on masks… evidence they were then unable to remove from their own skins.

This comes soon after another criminal recently got caught soon after fleeing a bank robbery. The perpetrator, armed with a gun, threatened the staff and stuffed as much money and (unbeknownst to him) dye bombs down his pants as he could before waddling out of there as fast his over burdened legs would take him.

A short time later he was rushed to hospital with second degree burns to his testicles, after police found him cowering with what we can only assume was a serious case of blue balls.

I slowly opened the door, calling out. “Mr Doyle, it’s me. Are you… oh.”

He was passed out on the floor. It wasn’t a surprise really, but I had no idea how he got the blow-up children’s pool past me into his office.

“What? Huh?” he sat up startled. He glanced at his watch, still holding a drink. “It’s still early.”

It was eleven in the morning. He slammed the drink back, and threw the glass through the open window. My mouth dropped open.

That was new.

Stretching he mumbled, “That’s okay though Jacinta. I feel fan-bloody-tastic.”

“It’s Alendra sir. You weren’t even close that time; I’ve been working for you for…” I drifted off, finally taking stock of the situation. “Are you wearing a coconut-shell bikini?”

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For the first issue of Pythagoras: Click here.

I have a friend, let’s call him J-man. This friend is a fan of pornography. Who doesn’t like to indulge in a little titilation of the senses whatever your preference may be; pictures, videos or romantic novels. In fact we here at olilolo each have what can only be described as a shameful collection of spoils on our hard drives, taking up space which could easily be filled with classic German literature or documentaries on the marmaset.

… but I digress.

This friend of mine once had an epic collection of magazines, till his girlfriend found them and decided it was either them or her. He chose her and soon my house was flooded with the printed beauty of naked boobs.

Years passed and again he slowly, sneakily, amassed another large collection of magazines and dvds. Sadly they too were discovered and his girlfriend’s fury was unleashed, and his porn left to roam safe and free in my home.

Doyle was awash with porn.

. These are the few things I’ve learnt over the last two years of fatherhood: – Putting a ‘reduced to clear’ sticker on your newborn’s head head may seem clever, but it will cause a rash for several days. – Children learn to mimic you. It’s not long before they are laughing at their own farts. I’m told this is wrong. – Your not allowed to teach your kid to splash your wife every time...