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Doyle’s Pornographic Bounty

Doyle’s Pornographic Bounty

I have a friend, let’s call him J-man. This friend is a fan of pornography. Who doesn’t like to indulge in a little titilation of the senses whatever your preference may be; pictures, videos or romantic novels. In fact we here at olilolo each have what can only be described as a shameful collection of spoils on our hard drives, taking up space which could easily be filled with classic German literature or documentaries on the marmaset.

… but I digress.

This friend of mine once had an epic collection of magazines, till his girlfriend found them and decided it was either them or her. He chose her and soon my house was flooded with the printed beauty of naked boobs.

Years passed and again he slowly, sneakily, amassed another large collection of magazines and dvds. Sadly they too were discovered and his girlfriend’s fury was unleashed, and his porn left to roam safe and free in my home.

Doyle was awash with porn.

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New Car Smell

New Car Smell

As I wandered through the car yard, I felt eyes on me. They peered at me from dark corners behind tinted glass, watching with insect fascination this bizarre specimen which had stumbled into their lair.

Eventually, after a time calculated precisely to lull me into a false sense of security, one of them pounced.

“Can I help you, sir?” said the salesman. He pronounced the “sir” as if it were something dirty he’d been forced to eat, possibly for a bet or something. I don’t know what salesmen do with their free time.

“No, actually, I’m just waiting for your mate, he’s getting my new car,” I answered.

At that moment a small black bullet of a car leapt from nowhere and slammed into the man, flinging him several feet. I wondered at the lack of a screech of tyres, only to realise that there hadn’t been any.

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Things I’ve Learned -or- Why Being a Dad is No Fun

Things I’ve Learned -or- Why Being a Dad is No Fun

. These are the few things I’ve learnt over the last two years of fatherhood: – Putting a ‘reduced to clear’ sticker on your newborn’s head head may seem clever, but it will cause a rash for several days. – Children learn to mimic you. It’s not long before they are laughing at their own farts. I’m told this is wrong. – Your not allowed to teach your kid to splash your wife every time...

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What’s c*nt got to do, got to do with it?

A SHORT DISCLAIMER

Today we welcome the delightful Jeff into the growing list of olilolo guest writers. I’ve known Jeff for several years, and in that time he has only tried to drunkenly make love to me once. Or was that the other way around? It’s so hard to keep straight these days. The point is, he’s a fine, upstanding fellow; a paragon of the community.

So to compensate, he’s going to drop the C-bomb approximately 50 times in the next several paragraphs.

I seriously cannot stress this enough- if you are offended by that word, DON’T READ THIS ARTICLE. It’s sprinkled liberally. If your tastes run towards blander fare, then this dish might prove too spicy. You were warned.

-Stu

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“What’s cunt got to do, got to do with it?” ~ Socrates

A lot.

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Why Peter Cook shits all over Bill Hicks

Why Peter Cook shits all over Bill Hicks

…figuratively, and metaphorically.

Skimming through the internet one day I stumbled across a news article on the BBC about a plaque which had been dedicated to Peter Cook, for his efforts in founding The Establishment in London, a club famous for it’s satire.

I’ll be honest. I know very little about Peter Cook, except he was an amusing man at times, but it did stick in my mind.

Shoot forward a few days, and Stu posts an article about Bill Hicks – another comedian I know little about.

So it got me thinking. Why post about this Hicks bloke, when the Peter Cook coverage on this website has been, so far, lacking? Biased reporting the typically one-sided Stu.

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It’s Just a Ride

It’s Just a Ride

“I was told when I grew up I could be anything I wanted: a fireman, a policeman, a doctor – even President, it seemed. And for the first time in the history of mankind, something new, called an astronaut. But like so many kids brought up on a steady diet of Westerns, I always wanted to be the avenging cowboy hero – that lone voice in the wilderness, fighting corruption and evil wherever I found it, and standing for freedom, truth and justice. And in my heart of hearts I still track the remnants of that dream wherever I go, in my endless ride into the setting sun…” ~ Bill Hicks

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