A proposal by Stuart Fightmaster to the Business Council of Australia

Our society today has many challenges to face. Dwindling resources. Rising labour costs. A general unwillingness to use children for mining work, despite their tiny bodies and supple hands being perfectly suited for underground conditions.

But those frustrations aside, there is a deeper, darker problem that sits at the very heart of all we hold dear and threatens to consume us all. Or should I say, a brighter problem.

For I am speaking about Fire.

Not a single fire, but Fire, in all its forms. It has insidiously wormed its way into the very fabric of our civilisation, to the point where we have come to rely on it for a multitude of things.

And yet, the risk of Fire is still great. It is not the faithful friend we perceive it to be, no loyal dog fetching out slippers. It is instead a seeming loyal friend who waits for you to go to work and then sleeps with your wife, ANDREW!

And then burns your house down or something, I guess.

Fire claims the lives of countless people across the country, and indeed the world. Not to mention those tragic souls who are burned, and yet survive. The Fire Problem has become so great that there is an entire wing of the hospital dedicated to treating people with burns. Not to mention, the Government spends how many millions every year on maintaining a group of people designed specifically to put out fires. That money could be better spent in literally dozens of ways.

They say Prometheus stole fire from the gods. Well then we are all of us accessories to a crime, and should return fire at once with a note of apology and hope for some divine forgiveness. I don’t especially fear any sort of legal reprisals, as we all know heaven isn’t where the lawyers go.

“But how will we cook our food?” you bleat in a way that makes me want to slap you. Well, have you not seen the recent trend towards “raw” unprocessed foods? Surely even dimwits like yourselves can understand that we’re finally realising the folly of “cooking” (read- burning) things, and are embracing the natural way of eating- by picking things off bushes and the ground.

We don’t need fire for light any more. We have an alternative- lumiescent grubs I have discovered in a cave in the hills. These grubs generate enough light to read by on a dark night as long as you have more than about 700, and in those numbers they actually generate a pleasant background heat. Sure, they exhibit a mild flesh-eating tendency when unsupervised, but this shouldn’t pose a problem long term. I know the location of these caves and will show them to anyone with a willing mind and 7 million dollars for underwriting purposes.

We have an oppotunity here to do away with the scourge of fire. Embrace a cool, dark, safe planet. Join me, in the darkness!

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