Yeti Cleared of Everest Deaths

BY STUART FIGHTMASTER | STAFF WRITER

Scientists say the Yeti is not to blame for hundreds of mountaineering deaths while climbing Mount Everest over the last century.

Instead, the scientists speculate that a high-altitude cerebral edema is to blame for many if not all of the deaths noit directly attributed to being crushed in an avalanche or freezing to death in the ball-shrinking temperatures.

The condition is essentially a haemorrhage of the blood vessels in the brain due to the exertion at high altitude.

The findings come as a huge relief to Norman Yeti, the shaggy-furred creature of legend and part-time mechanic who resides in the slopes around Everest.

“I has always maintained I never done it,” said Mr Yeti, who has been cleared of all charges.

“You’ve no idea what a weight it is off my mind to finally be able to live my life, wandering the slopes and doing some odd jobbing.”

Mr Yeti was initially brought in for questioning in 1935, after numerous eyewitness reports indicated he was responsible for the dozen or so unexplained deaths and disappearances which had been recorded at that point.

“This was a clear case of an innocent man…thing being tried and convicted in the press,” said Arthur Jimbory, Mr Yeti’s current lawyer.

“All the evidence was circumstantial and quite frankly the police were extremely overzealous in their pursuit of my client.

“I thought we had due process in … actually where are we? Nepal? Tibet? Well, wherever we are, you’d think the police would check things like evidence before they arrest an innocent … creature. Disgraceful.”

Detective Inspector Nawang Topkay from the nepalese Police said they always acted in good faith.

“Well, he’s a bloody great shaggy monster, isn’t he?” said Mr Topkay.

“We had reasonable suspicion, and the facts seemed to back us up. However modern policing techniques have prevailed. We now know there is no killer except the victims themselves. We are therefore suing their estates for damages and lost police time.”

“Also,” he added “there is still the large number of bodies which were gnawed on.”

“No comment on that,” said Mr Jimbory.

In private conversation with this reporter, Mr Yeti indicated that he occasionally got peckish on long walks.

ABOVE: Norman Yeti, at his home in 1976

3 thoughts on “Yeti Cleared of Everest Deaths

  1. That is not a Yeti. That is a Wampa! Honestly, sometimes I get the impression you haven’t even watched Star Wars repeatedly AT ALL!

    Madness, of course. The Onion should accept this.

  2. If it helps for those playing along at home, in my head I hear the Yeti talking like a Gumby from Monty Python, and the Nepalese policeman has a Welsh accent for some reason.

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