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	It’s not just the Scots which are brimming with terrible/awesome alcoholic ideas! A few weeks ago we at olilolo brought you the story of a Scottish brewery which not only produced the world’s strongest beer, but decided to serve it in the hollowed out remains of dead animals.

So it got us thinking, and a little thirsty; surely it’s not just the Scots whom ruin their livers in weird and wonderful ways? If all people were created equal, then surely the rest of us are just as stupid?

So it is with my pleasure, I present to you “F**cked Up Grog from Across the Globe!”

Bakon – Bacon-flavoured vodka.

Above: Glorious Bakon, with a delicious Bacon-Mary.

This sounds like the logical end point of a party discussion on ridiculous uses for bacon. I’ve always found flavoured vodkas a bit unsual, however part of me thinks this sounds like the best invention, ever. It’s funny. It’s delicious. It has a heap of cocktail options – including the Bakon Chocolate Martini. It has everything!

That’s of course until you think about it for more then a few moments.

Imagine, if you will, the delicious taste of bacon. Crispy. Smokey. Slightly salty. A hint of sauce and egg. Mouth watering?

Now think of vodka.

Did anyone else throw up a bit? When they say that bacon makes everything better, I’m not sure if fermented and distilled potatoes was really what they had in mind.

I do like there slogan though: Pure. Refereshing. Bacon.

Three Olives – Sick vodka bastards!

Speaking of flavoured vodkas, English distillers Three Olives have decided to specialise in the poison, and have a whole range from your normal varieties, like vanilla, grape and cherry to just plain stupid varieties.

Well named drinks as “Bubble” and “Purple” are good examples, and while I’ll admit bottling a colour is quite impressive, according to their website it’s only frozen grapes… oh and “Bubble” is fruit.

Another, “root beer” (or sarsaparilla as we’d call it in Australia) is possibly one the worst crimes against humanity I’ve ever heard of; but I don’t like sars so I could be being a little melodramatic.

The big one though is ‘Triple Shot Expresso’. Enjoy the “the luxurious taste of the finest Italian expresso”.

I don’t know about this. I’m guessing the Italians had no idea what you were doing when you imported their coffee, did they Three Olives? They take their coffee pretty damn seriously in Italy. If they could they’d probably use it for blood transfusions.

Now if shitty Hollywood movies have taught me anything, it’s that Italians are all part of the Mafia, and they tend to take exception to a lot of stuff. So I hope you’re paying a bucketload of protection money, otherwise I can’t see your vodka’s wearing a lovely pair of cement shoes.

Kumis – All the deliciousness of milk!

Popular in such locales as Kyrgyzstan, Uzbekistan, and Mongolia, this drink is made from fermented mare’s milk. Yep, that’s right: Horse milk. This delicious drink has a similar alcoholic content as say, a light-beer. So it takes a whole horse to get drunk, and a herd to throw an awesome party. The fact they’re having to milk horses in the first place is probably a good indication of the situation for the peoples of the Central Asian steppes, but they also happen to be largely lactose-intollerant. With mare’s milk being significantly higher in lactose then cow’s milk, the only way they can digest it is to break it down through fermentation, and get completely smashed! Make fun of cask wine all you want, Kumis is THE poor man’s drink.

Snake Wine – Another dead animal themed drink.

Not a company trying to get one up on the tequila worm, in fact snake wine originated in China during the Western Zhou dynasty in 771 BC. Followers of traditional Chinese medicine believe consuming snakes is not only tasty but also good for your health, and like all good people they found a way to combine it with strong liquor.

Some people, probably after having a few shots of the ol’ snake-juice, sometimes eat parts of the snake but primarily the creature is there to simply infuse it’s essence into the drink.

While I find the idea truly disgusting, I might point out now that I have actually had snake wine while on a Contiki tour in through France. A drunk vineyard owner made grappa in the same way and was handing out free shots. I’m not sure if it was the wine tasting before, or my inbuilt desire to get free stuff, but a shot of snake wine I had.

Grappa is evil stuff. Adding snake doesn’t help.

Mamma Mia Pizza Beer – When you hate yourself a little bit.

Above: Pizza Beer – Ale brewed with oregano, basil, tomato and garlic.

Let’s put aside for a second that this is another drink the Italians might be interested in, flavoured beer is as strange to me as flavoured vodka. Probably more so as vodka at least has a fairly tasteless starting point.

Sure I’ve tried chilli beer (wasn’t much chop), and beer with lime (not my sort of thing) but pizza? What manner of insanity is this?

According to their website married couple Tom and Athena Seefurth had a brainwave one public holiday. They wanted a beer that went perfectly with their pizza, but why go through all the hassle of eating AND drinking? So in true American style they smashed it all together into one easy to consume package and pizza beer was formed!

Part of me wants to denigrate this drink like it’s herpes in a bottle, but bugger it! The target audience for this beer must be lazy, go no-where bums – in other words, the target audience is me.

So bugger it I say dear reader, I reckon pizza beer sounds great, and if anyone wants to split some importing fees I say we get some in and write off an afternoon.