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A monkey trainer in China received minor injuries when his monkeys, whom he’d trained in the art of Taekwondo, turned on him.

At one point the monkey trainer grabbed a staff to hit the monkeys, only to find himself facing a stick-brandishing monkey that cracked him over the head.

Now obviously that is hilarious, and I wish I could find footage of it. Believe me, I’ve tried. The closest I’ve come is this-

which is awesome in its own way, but not exactly what we’re after.

But the story is also just a little bit worrying. I mean, you train monkeys to fight, okay, I get you, you’re in China and no one’s going to tell you otherwise, fine. Lord knows I’d be knee deep in tapdancing squirrels if I thought the RSPCA would leave me alone for five damn minutes. All “unnatural urges” this and “cruel and unusual” that. What do they know those tree-hugging…

Sorry, I’ve wandered from my point, which is- you teach monkeys to fight, you’d better treat them nicely. You’re already dealing with an animal that can conceivably dart up your pants leg and sink its fangs into your balls, and you’ve also now taught it how to hit the nerve cluster that causes your legs to stop working. You better hope you engender some good-will in your little simian warriors. Unfortunately for the trainer, he hasn’t heard this bit of wisdom.

He was really furious, he made the monkeys kneel on the ground with their hands tied behind their backs to punish them and make them show remorse for their nasty attack.

Oh dear. Yes, public humiliation will do wonders to ensure these animals don’t pick the locks of their cages and cut your throat while you sleep.

I think this stems from some strange part of the human brain which finds dressing animals up as people and making them do people things absolutely endearing, when actually it should terrify you just a little. Seeing a dolphin tap out its name on a voice pad should not provoke sighs of wonder, but make us ask- if the dolphin can do that, exactly what ELSE can it do? Seeing a bear dancing in a little hat should not elicit squeals of glee, but a sense of jealousy that the bear can dance better than you. And seeing a chimp doing roundhouse kicks should not produce delighted laughter , but rather should produce a pile of crap in your pants, as you realise that animal that could already rip your face off now knows how to stun you first.

If humans don’t stop treating animals as furry dolls to prance and jig for our amusement, then one day the animal kingdom is going to get its shit together and END us.

The resulting conflict will be swift, bloody, and adorable.

Tags: Weekend WTF

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