Key officials from the Bureau of Meteorology have today confirmed they regularly just make up weather forecasts, confirming the suspicions of paranoid schizophrenics and angry grandfathers everywhere.
Suspicions were again raised when another weekend of showers was predicted, which did not match the light clouds and mostly sunshine that eventually resulted. Several thousand people cancelled plans, only to sit glaring at the beautiful weather outside, muttering “you wouldn’t read about it” although if they had waited they could, just now.
It follows a series of off-the-mark predictions by the Bureau in recent weeks, where a cloudy day was predicted as “Mostly Fine,” a series of thunderstorms were predicted as “Mostly Fine” and a category 1 cyclone was predicted as “Mostly Fine with the chance of showers”
“We sort of gave up a while back,” senior forecaster Terrence Mangle told the Bugle. “We were using the fancy charts and readouts, but we kept getting it wrong.”
“After a while we just started throwing darts at a board. Weirdly, our accuracy rate went UP, so we decided to stick with it”
Other methods the Bureau now uses to predict weather, according to Mangle, are coin flips, inflatable sumo wrestler suit matches, and cockroach races.
Mangle doesn’t believe the public is being poorly served by this arrangement.
“Not at all. People want to know the weather, right? Well, we tell them. We’re right more often than they are. Not on the actual day, but you take most people on a Monday and ask them what the weather will be like on a Friday and they’ll just say any old thing.”
“So do we, obviously, but we say it with Authority.”
Interestingly, Hydrologists have rejected the rest of the Bureau’s revelations that their figures are as real as a 3am story told by a drunk. Hydrologist Martin Plop insists that the work they do isn’t just guesswork and lies.
“Obviously some of it is guesswork,” Plop said “but it’s guesses based on actual factual data.”
“We take rainfall totals, and extrapolate them using known quatities including catchment porosity and volumity.”
And then guess? “… and then guess, yes”
Mangle insists they have tried to make their approach more scientific.
“We once took some of the basic formulas and punched them into the computer, but someone had spilled some pigs blood on it, and it just kept flashing a blue screen with “DO NOT WAKEN ME” written in Comic Sans.
When pressed, Mangle refused to give an explanation for why the Bureau had pigs blood in the first place.