I was very relived the other day to read that scientists from Brisbane were working on a way to stop a massive asteroid that’s headed straight for the planet. “We’re totally on this,” the scientists say. “We’ll wrap it in tin foil and the solar radiation will push it off the collision course it’s currently on. With Earth.”
And then I reread the article to see if there was some mistake, but no, there it was, printed in black and white pixels. AN ENORMOUS FUCKING ASTEROID IS HEADED STRAIGHT FOR EARTH. It’s due to hit in 2036. Well, maybe. There is the possibility that it might just pass us by. Scientists have to wait till 2011 to find out for sure.
If I do my sums right, I’ll be about 56. Which is much, much earlier than I planned on checking out. I mean, you can live a full life in that period of time, but I always wanted to reach 112. I don’t know why. It just seemed like a good, round, and especially faraway number.
2036 seems very very soon in comparison. Fatally soon. I mean, there’s a massive rock that is very likely to hit earth and we’re planning on wrapping it in tinfoil? BUST OUT THE NUKES, GENTLEMEN. Get some salt of the earth types to fly a rocket at this thing and give it the old one-two welcome to earth combo. This is not a fucking baked potato.
What makes it even worse is that we know about this one, and are planning for it. What about the ones we don’t know about? Space is infinite, and it’s not all on a level plane like most diagrams or science fiction shows would have you believe. There’s a full spherical 360 degrees of space out there and rocks are hurtling through it at speeds which would make you shit a goat.
So you can understand why one of my many ulcers is caused by news reports like this recent one which gleefully informs an increasingly damp-panted populace that a medium sized asteroid hit Earth and broke up, and that scientists didn’t know anything about it until it was streaking through out upper atmosphere.
That was a small one. We’re very, very lucky. What if it had been a hundred times that size? Like the one which nearly hit the Earth back in 2002? Oh sure, you say, that one was six hundred thousand kilometres away. A near-miss in cosmic terms but still a fairly comfortable margin. So what about this one back in 2004 which passed so close it was closer to the earth than some communications satellites?
If your pants aren’t filled to bursting at this point, you’ve got serious mental problems (or you can’t read English). The sheer fact of the matter is, if one of these bastards hits us, we’re done for. Gone. Life as we know it ceases right then, and one of them could be headed for us right now. And there wouldn’t be a damn thing any of us could do to stop it.
![](http://blog.olilolo.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/asteroid_strike.gif "They call them \")
And the buggerance of it all is that this has never, ever worked for me as a pick up line.
11 Responses to “Ways the World Will End #4507”
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I for one welcome our impending asteroid/comet induced destruction.
As long as you’re relatively close to the point of impact, it will all be over quickly. It’s being part of the “running for the hills” minority who’ll get stuck drinking their own urine and constructing rudimentary flint knives out of sticks and old razor blades. Now that’s a crappy existence.
I always think fondly of massive cataclysmic population destruction. I always think “Ah yeah. it’ll be hard at first, but it’ll be an interesting life. Learning to grow crops. Building settlements. Fighting mutated wolf-beasts” (I normally assume nuclear attack rather than asteroid)…
Of course then reality sets in. I don’t know how to do any of that, and ‘learning on the job’ means a lot of hungry, sleeping under the stars kind of days; possibly ending in starvation or death by said wolf-beasts.
Then an even deeper, more sad reality sets in. I always assume I’m one of the ones who will survive. Statistically that is highly, highly unlikely, and if I did everyone I knew would be dead. That’s not a rosy future kiddies.
So I guess the lesson in all this is, become a hippie. If you’re going to die in 30 years why not go on a massive drug and fueled binge… it totally happens like that. Right?
After first reading about these by the graces of Bill Bryson, I have decided to file them under “Stuff that will never happen to me” along with tsunamis (thanks alot Dr Karl), housefires and zombie apocalypses. You know. For perspective.
I also literally fell off my seat at “This is not a fucking baked potato”. Well played, Stuart. Well played indeed.
Thank you. Of course, this site’s sole purpose is to cause injury to those foolish enough to read it. I’m glad to see we’re accomplishing something.
I think the important thing to consider here is the obvious event of mass quantities of women perishing due to their feebleness. I’m more concerned with the outbreaks of rampant homosexuality than the starving. It will be like prison, only it will be everywhere.
Hey Stu,
Sorry to post here but I’m not on Twitter, you’re not on Facebook and I don’t have a webmail for you!!
But I thought you should know four types of hell broke loose at work today – let’s just say there was an errant email that led to some madness and hilarity… you can access my email, yeah? I have to type it in here.
Otherwise my first name at girlclumsy dot com.
Hope the holidays are going well!!
at the age of 53 how viable will your liver (or prostate for that matter) be? 2036 sounds like a good year to purchase a 2nd hand ak47 from a small somalian child, assemble bullets and cartridges in you back shed while watching bathurst and track down Mr Chandra
Just another reason why we should be experimenting wildly with human genetics. All we need to do is create one person who has Kitty Pryde’s mutant powers, and we never have to worry about meteors again.
Unless Joss Whedon gets involved.
I’m with you Pete. Revenge against those who have wronged us!
it wasn’t so much his complete disregard for the human race i had a problem with, it was the fact he never taught me how to make a good curry that i will never forgive