guilt Do you ever get an urge just randomly pop into your mind? An urge to do something strange or unexpected that you can’t entirely explain?

Do you ever see someone at the top of a flight of stairs, a friend, a loved one, and just get that urge to push them. You don’t do it, but you still think it. It takes self-control to quieten that voice and not give in. Most people are able to repress their inner urges, and most urges are but fleeting.

Sometimes they slip through of course. It’s the sort of thing that leads to uncoordinated dads one day walking past and suddenly deciding to try riding their kid’s skateboard, resulting in broken bones and a fridge won on Australia’s Funniest Home Videos.

Or the sort of thing that makes a bloke decide to introduce himself to strangers while putting on a Scottish accent, which they then have to try and keep up all night. Of course you’ll meet a Scotsman and you’ll both know you’re full of shit long before you finish you first ‘aye’, but there’s no way you’re stopping now. So bring the tequila… whiskey!

Crazed Russian president Putin, when he’s not invading other countries, has even been witnessed kissing a child’s stomach due to suddenly indulging his bizarre inner urges.


But even Putin’s crazed inner voice is more normal than what I must repress. What lurks within me.

You see, sometimes I walk past co-workers desks and get an urge. A filthy, dirty urge. An urge that bulges from within my pants.

An urge I’m not proud of.

Sometimes as I walk past them in the office, I look at their desks and get the urge to down trousers, plonk my arse on their table top and slowly push out a king brown python.

I know.


What the fuck is wrong with me?

Friends, enemies, the lunch table. It doesn’t matter who you are, I find the idea of you looking up to find a brown monkey tail sliding by your in-tray just hilarious. Completely, utterly, insanely hilarious.

How on earth would they react to that?

Now I’ve long accepted that there’s some bizarre shit (pun not intended but gladly received) going on in my head, but never have I had to stop myself so much from randomly breaking out in to fits of giggles as this thought randomly pops into my head. Unfortunately when it surprises me, and I get caught out, there’s no way to explain the “joke” without looking like a nutjob.

Trust me. I’ve tried.

“Why am I laughing? Well, wait for this one! I want to take a comically large shit, right on your stuff. Right here. Right now. Get it? It’s a joke!” *laughs maniacally*

It’s easier to just say I was thinking about Shaun Micallef or the Simpsons.

I have some self-control of course. I’m yet to be tackled to the ground by a poor security guard, faeces flying everywhere, employees and clients sprayed with my own personal effluent; so I’ve kept my job… for now.

But just like the dad on the skateboard or the creepy world leader with children, what worries me is one day the impulse is going to surprise and overwhelm my defences and I’m going to end up in the “offbeat” section of newspapers across the globe.

Of course, it’s a touch more extreme than trying skateboarding but maybe the stress of life will get to me. People do crazy things when stressed. You see people all the time on the news; someone just cracks and starts wandering the streets naked, babbling about the apocalypse; or some American takes up arms and starts firing a semi-automatic into a local business. So it might not take much during a stressful day at the office to suddenly find myself pants-less and not on the photocopier.

In fact, in comparison, defecating on the desk of a co-worker could be seen as a legitimate, non-lethal way of letting off stream. If I had the choice as an employee to get shot with a bullet, or cop splash back from a work friend’s diarrhoea fountain, well chuck me some marshmallows because it’s time for chocolate fondue.

So I think it’s time we embrace this idea – buns not guns, shitman not hitman, pooey not Uzi. Whatever it takes to make me less disturbed about what goes on in my head.

Now someone point me to the closest purveyor of curries.

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