Logging in to MSN Messenger the other night, I was confronted with this pop up spam:
I love the lack of quality control. The system has scanned the article, recognised the word pirate, and chosen an archived picture.
The diplomatic difficulties of Sudanese pirates violently attacking foreign vessels in international waters… portrayed through the art of puppetry.
If it was a TV series I’d watch it.
Quick, what’s the stupidest thing you can think to sell to a disgustingly rich person? Something they could easily get themselves, something which exists in abundance in their general area? Empty softdrink cans? BMWs? Homeless people to hunt for sport?
Close, but not quite. No, they’re selling designer Ice now. No, not diamonds. No, not crystal meth. Ice. Frozen water. For 8 bucks a pop. No, not per bag.
Per ICE CUBE.
Or rather, ice SPHERE. These are described as “perfect” spheres,”designed to occupy the top position in the luxury ice market”. The fucking WHAT? How the hell can something like a luxury ice market spring up? What possible universe are we living in where water, frozen, is graded on a scale? It’s WATER. It’s FROZEN. That is the END OF THE PROCESS. For the average person, the only criteria you’re looking for from ice is “hobos have not used the water as a toilet” or possibly “does not contain medical waste”.
You would need to show me photographic evidence that Scarlett Johansson had personally dripped the water into the moulds using her breasts before I would consider paying you more than $2.50 a bag, motherfucker.
The description goes on to justify this madenss by saying that “the sphere is the most efficient way to cool a drink”. Now, I’m no physicist, but I’m pretty sure the difference in cooling ability between a cube and a sphere of ice is next-to-negligable. I can just imagine their design team giving their report- “We tried the rhombus but that was just rubbish. Strangely, a dodecahedron came close, but did not surpass the sheer cooling power of the humble sphere”.
I mean, it’s just ridiculous largesse. Whoever buys these sorts of things has to have so much spare money lying around they are literally using rolls of it to wipe their arse. And yet, the market must be there. That website says so.
You wouldn’t catch me buying that nonsense, though, My ice cubes have to be in the shape of dongs, or I just drink my drink warm. You’ve got to have standards.
We all know those security checks on the internet, where you need to re-type in a word displayed in a picture to prove you’re a real human and not some dirty, spamming, fuck-bot.
Normally it’s random numbers and letters, but this is what came up when I tried to add a friend to Facebook:
WTF indeed.
Seems Facebook is pro-Nazi to me.
Well, good to know. I’ll sleep better at night knowing that OH WAIT A MINUTE NO I WON’T IT IS RETARDED.
Jesus Christ, Swiss scientists. Is there really nothing else that could occupy your time? No other possible research you could be carrying out? I hear that AIDS thingamy is still making a nuisance of itself. And that cancer rapscallion has been making life dashed inconvenient for quite a few people. A lot of them have given life up as a result.
Now I know research like this goes on all the time because scientific intitutions still thankfully understand that when the chips are down any research is good research. You never know what you might discover if you poke the universe long enough. Wheras governments, and indeed taxpayers, want to pay scientists a certain amount of money and get back the quoted result, scientists know that sometimes when you’re researching a better car shampoo you get a cure for cancer.
But for the love of god, COME ON. This was a study where researchers stood around and sniffed armpits. And then wrote down what they smelled like. That is a very specific fetish, not a scientific study.
Not to mention, their results were fairly fucking vague. Yes, this is what people’s armpits smell like if they live in that particular part of Switzerland (I assume there was a mains water problem while the experiment was going on). They freely admit that their sample size (24 men, 25 women) was laughably small, and smells “would likely vary in other parts of the world”. So the sum total gain to human knowledge via this study was that those 49 people have bad hygene.
I really can’t help but wonder if this isn’t something they dreamed up to pass the time before the Large Hadron Collider is back up and running.
Just when you think the whole Italians and extortion rackets is a slightly racist stereotype, along comes a story like this one: ‘Nuns in Italy restaurant brawl’
Two nuns and a priest have beaten up a restaurant owner over a “dispute concerning the restaurant lease”. In fact the bloke sounds like he’s been on the receiving end of a savage thrashing, and at one stage told police “the priest hit him over the head with a chair and the nuns followed by kicking him”.
Don’t fuck with church boys and girls. They got Galileo, they’ll bloody get you.
A casual worker at Wal-Mart was TRAMPLED TO DEATH during Black Friday sales in the US, the traditional Thanksgiving sales with super-low prices. Over 200 people knocked a massive security door off its hinges and “bum-rushed” the worker, who was from a temp agency. They then continued to stream past emergency crews who were desperately trying to save the man’s life. A pregnant woman was also jostled in the melee and several people were treated for minor injuries.
Look, America, I realise it’s kind of bad taste to point this out, but this constant bullshit where people are starving in Africa and some guy loses his life because people wanted a cheap plasma TV? That’s why the terrorists hate you.
The Internet is rife with people selling things. Websites like ebay and CafePress have made it possible for any random guy with an idea and some free time (a lot of free time in some cases) to sell useless junk to people all over the world who have far too much money.
There’s a second breed of person out there who prefers the personal touch, building websites themselves and operating a cottage industry in specialised clothes, carved dolls, stuffed cane toads wearing dresses; the possibilities are endless. The internet puts these people on a level playing field with multinational corporations and gets their product out there to the entire world.
Then there’s a third type of person who sells purses shaped like vaginas.
Have you ever looked at the leathery, rippling folds of your purse and thought “the only thing that could improve this is if it looked like female genitalia”? Then Art Goddess is the site to visit.
Parents take note- this is the must-have item this Christmas. Kids will be laughed at in the playground unless they have a plush velvet vulva with pearl clitoris on their arm.
AAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
THAT THING LIVES IN CAIRNS!!! THERE’S ONLY 1000 KILOMETRES BETWEEN ME AND IT! I’M LOCKING DOWN THE ANTI-RAPTOR BUNKER UNTIL THOSE THINGS DIE OUT! I’LL SEE YOU IN A FEW THOUSAND YEARS!
Norway has Knighted a penguin.
There’s nothing I can really add to that. I do wonder if Norwegian soldiers have to salute it as it waddles past, which might be in the running for most ridiculous visual ever.
Cloned Dog Owner Manacled Mormon for Sex
That … that’s just … I…
Well, that’s pretty much the best headline you’ll ever read. You can all stop now, copy editors! One of you created the Perfect Headline. You’re done.
I haven’t even read the story. I don’t care. It could be several paragraphs describing the journo’s favourite cheese, I wouldn’t mind.