With changing climate, and pressures put on animals by human encroachment into their habitats, times are touch for our critter friends. And not just tough in an “I can’t find food” kind of way. It turns out that all this destruction of the planet is putting a real damper on animals being able to find a mate. Global warming is cock-blocking the animal kingdom.

Scientists have been noticing the emergence of a brand new animal, created solely out of sweet interspecies love- the Grolar bear. Half Polar bear, half Grizzly bear, all Artic killing machine.  Seriously, that’s a hybrid of the two largest land predators in the world. These things are going to sweep down from the Great White North and devour us all. How will they cross the oceans, you ask? They’ll fucking swim, that’s how. The ocean won’t be game to tell these guys they can’t.

Of course, this isn’t a Ways the World Will End column, so put that aside for now (seriously though, you’ve been warned). The intersting thing about the grolar bear is that it occurred completely on its own, in the wild, without human intervention. Until the thing lumbered at a group of hunters and was shot, presumably as the aborted first wave of their eventual killing spree, we had no idea polars and grizzlies were getting their bone on.

"It was screaming 'Death to all humans'. It actually screamed that."

Previous cross-species hybrids have all been created by humans, usually for a drunken bet. Thus we get useful animals like the Mule (a male donkey crossed with a female horse) and awesome animals like the Liger (a male lion crossed with a female tiger)

An awesome abomination of the natural order

Now, scientists are saying that changing conditions across the globe are going to see many species suddenly reconsider their priorities and maybe lower their standards a little. Researchers in Australia say they expect to start seeing hybrid bird species very soon, given the high nature of specialisation in Australia where there are often several sub-species of bird in a single area, all evolved to feed on diferent types of seeds and nuts.

The upshot of all this is don’t be surprised if you see a wallaroo on your next trip to the bush, or a zebraffe on your next safari. Not to mention King Douchbag Kirk Cameron might finally get his wish of seeing a Crocoduck.

This thing ignores the bread you're throwing and goes staight for the fingers.

I tried writing several different introductions to this week’s piece of crazy news from the internet, and to be honest I just can’t really think of a damn thing that I could say which would make this any weirder than it already is. So here we go.

A guy from Minneapolis has only ever spoken Klingon to his son.

Klingons are… you know what? You know what Klingons are. Everyone does, even those pygmy bushmen in Africa who think an empty coke bottle is technology from the gods. “Ah,” they say “The large (click) bumpy headed warrior (click) race from Star Trek.” And they’re right, that’s what Klingons are.

What you may mercifully not know is that Trek fandom has embraced the Klingon ‘culture” with open arms, to the point where they’ve developed intricate caste systems and social hierarchies and even a spoken language, based on the few snippets of gibberish used in the show. There’s Klingon translations of Shakespeare and the Bible, if you’re chasing that guttural, phlegmatic feeling German just can’t provide any more.

People who learn Klingon and who speak it fluently are at the same time awesome and pathetic beyond comprehension. But that’s a choice they’ve made, probably the last in a series of bad choices, but still, they chose to do that. To learn Klingon. So they could have conversations in Klingon. Presumably in public, where people could see them doing this terrible thing.

The newborn baby did not, however, have a choice. d’Armond Speers spoke only Klingon to his child for the first three years of his life. Sure, he’s now in high school and speaks English fine, but this isn’t the sort of thing you’re supposed to just mess around with. Because his Dad is a bit of a weirdo, that kid could have been in the situation of experiencing every actual language on Earth as a second language, because all his hardwiring was based around a made-up language created by fans of a science fiction TV show.

The evil punchline to the whole thing is that the Dad is apparently not even that big a Star Trek fan. He just did it to see if it would work. I mean, you look in this guy’s high school locker, you’re going to find a few dead puppies, you know?

But the worst thing about all this is that when I first heard about this story, I thought “Holy shit, that is SO AWESOME. I wonder if he had a little bat’leth and some mini-dreds to go with it!”

I am a bad person.

Ancient myth and lore tells us of several fantastic and wondrous cities, which are for the most part lost or hidden to regular mortals. The great lost city of Atlantis, long ago sunk beneath the ocean waves. Bonny Brigadoon, only appearing in the misty Scottish highlands once every hundred years. And Chako Paul City in Sweden, full of Nordic lesbains.

No, not really, if such a perfect thing were to exist it would signal Ragnarok. The legend of the sapphic city states that it was founded in 1820 by a man-hating widow, who encouraged all like-minded young nordic lasses to come and live in the city for some healthy outdoor calisthenics and lots of salads.

The city is purported to today contain 25 000 residents, all of them Scandinavian lesbains. The lure of such a city is such that when reports surfaced in Chinese media, literally million of calls flooded into Sweden’s various tourist agencies asking how one goes about organising a Con Tiki Tour to Chako Paul.

Now of course this city is merely a myth, a product of someone’s fertile imagination. Claes Bertilson from the local tourism agency says as much in response to media inquiries about the legendary town-

“At 25,000 residents, the town would be one of the largest in northern Sweden, and I find it hard to believe that you could keep something like that a secret for more than 150 years”

Of course, if I lived next to a city of tens of thousands of beautiful lesbians, I’d probably want to keep it to myself as well, so take him with a grain of salt.

Canada has a problem. No, not the fact that they are effectively better than America in every single way and yet have to cop endless taunts from not only Americans but everyone else, now that cultural trickle has taken place. They bear the jokes with typical good-natured stoicism.

No, their problem is that severed feet keep washing up on their beaches.

You heard me.

Eight so far in the last two years. A couple of pairs, and a few singles. Some in shoes, some not.

There was even a hoax foot, where someone stuffed an animal paw in a sneaker and threw it in the seas to wash up for the cops to find. People like to be involved.

The thing that I love about this story is there is absolutely no logical explanation for it. I’m sure there IS an explanation, but it could not possibly be described as “logical”. Occams razor suggests people falling overboard, maybe throwing themselves off a cliff, whatever. But why are just the feet washing up? Why not other parts as well? There’s been at least foyur or five seperate people who’ll never run a marathon again, but only their feet, and no other body parts, are washing up on beaches? Discarding Occam brings a whole host of possibilities, from aliens to very picky sharks.

Either way, there is no way that if they find out what’s causing this, people will go “oh, of COURSE”. I love that. A mystery so strange even the answer is a puzzle.