Mankind is far too clever for it’s own good, and I predict that we’ll wipe ourselves out within a year. Maybe two. And I’ve been looking for the ways it will happen. You’ve just got to know where to look.

It seems a group of scientists are conducting experiments which they say could result in them bringing dinosaurs back to life. I kinda skimmed over the details because they started talking about gene splicing and cloning embryos and I tuned out and thought of Sacarlett Johansson for a while, but they seem pretty confident and that’s good enough for me. These people will bring back dinosaurs.

And that means Velociraptors, people.

Ever since I saw Jurassic Park when I was 12 and didn’t sleep for a week and had that bed-wetting problem, I’ve been planning contingencies for when we inevitably brought back velociraptors. Those vicious ugly murder machines, like a pissed-off chimpanzee with knives strapped to it’s feet, they’re virtually unstoppable. But where a murder-chimp would be stopped with a bannana or a funny hat, Velociraptors would put on the funny hat, then relentlessly hunt you down and devour your flesh.

When will we learn not to mess with mother nature?? LIFE FINDS A WAY!! Anyway, if anyone would like in on my anti-Velociraptor bunker, email me. Attractive ladies would be welcome, as we’ll need to repopulate the planet following the inevitable dino-pocalypse. Also, anyone with a Wii can come too, I guess.