The Mansfield Sasquatches found peace on Wednesday, despite losing to old foes The Loose Cannons 14 – 1.

The game started relatively late at 8:30, giving the Sasquatches plenty of time to meditate before the start of play.

Meditation is a new team morale builder introduced by trainers in an effort to control Sassy players, who would often fly into a berserker rage when on the field.

This rage would very rarely have an affect on the scoreline; rather the players would run into nearby bushes screaming and swatting at invisible spiders.

In an effort to get the team to go a whole match without a psychotic episode, meditation was introduced to calm the players, centre them, and allow them to concentrate on the game.

Two out of three aint bad.

Nearly every player immediately achieved a nirvana-like state after entering the trance. Mystics are currently baffled at how a group of hairy footballers could have achieved a state the most senior yogis have tries their entire lives to achieve.

However there is no denying that is what happened, as the players serenely took the field and waited calmly for play to start.

The game itself was a typical affair, with the Cannons running rings around the hapless Sassies, and yet they were smiling throughout the affair.

At one point, Young Gun Lachlan achieved transcendence, teleporting from one end of the field to the other on sheer willpower, and scoring the Sassies’ sole try of the match.

All in all it was an interesting game which left everyone feeling quite peaceful. So peaceful they had to take the Bugle expense card and fly to Thailand for a week.

Purely for spiritual reasons.

Competition: BMTA – Mixed 4
Date: 8.30pm. Wednesday 14th November 2007
Venue: Whites Hill Reserve – Field 3
Crowd Size: 2 (Amy and Sassie baby, neither of whom indulged in transcendence)
Mansfield Sasquatch Players: Doyle, Courtney, Stuart, Peter, Kristen, Lachlan, Michelle, Dani, Ory, Bruce
Tries: Lachlan x 1
Man of the Match: Bhudda, lord of Karma

League ethics investigators and disciplinary committees are already combing through footage of the match on Wednesday between the Mansfield Sasquatches and The Young Guns.

The match resulted in a scoreline of 10-5 to the Guns, which is now being closely scrutinised. Not the fact the Sassies lost. That is, by now, a long and proud tradition of the club. But rather, the sudden deflection of a key Sassie tactical player…to the other side.

Ringer Nathan, the Sassie’s star recruit this season, found himself donning another teams colours; the Guns’.

It seems in an eleventh hour back-room deal, the Guns have managed to lure the star Sassie recruit away from the club that made him who he is today.

Nathan was unavailable for comment, but it’s understood he has removed all of the compulsory body hair transplants given to him when he joined the Sassies, making a comeback to the Navy-and-Fluoro-Orange jumper unlikely.

Sassies management also gave no comment, but are reportedly mastabatory with rage at the deflection.

And with the game that resulted on the night, it is easy to see why.

There was controversy early with the deflection news hitting the team hard in the pre-game warm up. Several players refused to show up for the match, saying they felt “bruised and betrayed” bu the actions of their team-mate.

Then, just before the starting siren, the Sassies accused the Guns of fielding seven players. However the Guns seemed merely confused about this, and it was discovered that the “seventh player” was actually a small child that had wandered onto the field.

Match officials sacrificed the boy to the Touch-Football Gods, in accordance with league by-laws.

Once the screams had died down, the match got underway in earnest.

The Sassies tried to assert their dominance early, taking the ball to the Guns. However this was where their play broke down, as they then effectively handed the ball over, a charitable, if counter-productive measure.

Once the Guns had the ball, it was try-time at the all-you-can-score buffet.

However with the firsthalf almost over, a sudden shining light of hope arrived in the form of Playmaker Ory, who’d been absent for the last few weeks after injuries sustained in a particularly energetic bout of lovemaking.

Ory’s arrival sent a charge of electricity through the Sassies, and not just from their team-issued control collars. With such solid leadership once again, could the Sassies take the lead and win the game?

No. No, they couldn’t.

In a valiant effort, Playmaker Ory and Young G… Sassie Lachlan combined to produce some of their old magic, running in three tries.

However it wasn’t enough to stop the smorgasboard of tries from the Guns, and the scoreline reflected the lopsided nature of the match.

After the game the Sassies paused and reflected on what went wrong. It was felt by all that the deflection of Nathan was the key to their downfall.

One junior handler suggested lack of athletic ability and any sort of ball skills might be more to blame, but he was quickly beaten into silence.

Therefore it was agreed by players and handlers that a recruitment drive would be started up to poach players from other teams.

At press time there have been several mysterious disappearances from other team’s ranks, however this reporter does not wish to speculate how these might have occurred for fear of getting mauled.

Competition: BMTA – Mixed 4
Date: 6.00pm. Wednesday 31st October 2007
Venue: Whites Hill Reserve – Field 3
Crowd Size: 4 (Joel, Mrs Doyle, Mrs Ryan and Lachlan’s brother diligently recording events for posterity)
Mansfield Sasquatch Players: Doyle, Courtney, Stuart, Peter, Kristen, Lachlan, Jacqui, Michelle, Dani, Ory, Nick
Tries: Lachlan x 3, Jacqui x 1 and Nick x 1
Man of the Match: Lachlan, for another try-scoring extravaganza

Tempers flared and violence ensued as the Sasquatches were ingloriously beaten by The Moreton Crew 8-3.

It was an emotional and vitriolic match, with both sides taking heavy losses. The field ran red with the blood of the innocent, and the air was heavy with the screams of the dying.

Also, there was some dispute of the on-side rules.

The game was another late-starter, and the Sasquatch management decided to give a pep-talk before the match.

Team President Jon Magillicutty Senior Jnr decided that the best way to do this was to pick out several players and beat them savagely as an example to the others.

The effect was mixed, with some Sassies vomiting in disgust, while others cheered and vomited happily.

Having done this, it was time for the match.

The Crew (of what ship it was never determined) immediately stated their dominance by scoring a try. They then turned around and blatantly congratulated one another.

The Sassies fumed.

The resentment grew as the Crew began running in several tries, most unanswered. They also managed to figure out the Sassies key tactic of “Pass the Ball to Lachlan” and were marking the Young Gun mercilessly. In a completely good natured way.

Several times the Crew were heard to be shouting cries of encouragement to their fellow players, a move which left the Sassies even angrier. What kind of underhanded play was this?

The Sasquatches, used to regular dressing-downs and strategic beatings, were confused and shocked.

But then came the final straw. Heart-and-Soul Stu came running up in defensive line to touch a Crew attacker, only to be told he was off-side.

A melee ensued, drawing in most of the players on the field, all of the players on the sidelines, several spectators and two people who were driving past the field and jumped in thinking it looked like fun.

The Sassies used the opportunity to defend their honour, tearing at the throats and eyes of the Moreton Crew, who proved surprisingly competent in a fight. Several Sassies were injured , but gave as good as they got. Arms were torm from sockets, throats plucked out, eyes gouged, spleens ripped in what onlookers described as “shocking” and “completely badass”.

Meanwhile, in the confusion Young Gun Lachlan, free of his opposite numbers, quickly scored three tries.

The fallout from the match was severe. The casualty lists alone were shocking. This reporter tried to reach Stu for a comment, but he had already been subdued by Sassie handlers, all bearing armoured riot gear and stun-guns.

He was loaded into a special holding cage for transport to his debreifing.

The rest of the players, Sassie and Crew alike, picked up their missing limbs and went to their respective team medical staff, who stapled everything together once more and told them to “walk it off”.

Competition: BMTA – Mixed 4
Date: 8.30pm. Wednesday 24th October 2007
Venue: Whites Hill Reserve – Field 2
Crowd Size: 2 (Joel and Mr Ryan)
Mansfield Sasquatch Players: Doyle, Courtney, Stuart, Peter, Bruce, Kristen, Lachlan, Jace, Jacqui, Michelle, Dani,
Tries: Lachlan x 3
Man of the Match: The Sassies wranglers who managed to get Stu under control before any more lives were lost.

BY STUART FIGHTMASTER | STAFF WRITER

Stunning onlookers and themselves alike, the Mansfield Sasquatches have managed to not lose, just three games into the current season.

Of course they didn’t win either, instead drawing 6-all with the Postman Pats.

The surprises started early for the invigorated Sassie side, not only putting points on the board first, but doing it within the first five minutes of play.

The shock of actually being in front on the board was too much for many Sassie players, who jerked and dribbled in confusion.

The resulting break in concentration allowed the Pats in for the first of their tries for the night.

What followed was a desperate and flailing match, as both sides tasted the sweet air of victory and the rotting stench of defeat.

Desperate runs, tries scored back and forth, and a constant wailing in the air all marked a match that most will not want to remember, but no one will ever forget.

The Sassies experimented with their passing game this match, passing early and often. Very often. Indeed, at times it seemed as if the ball was made of child pornography, and the Sassies players were under investigation by an ASIO taskforce.

Unfortunately, as often as it led to tries, it also led to dropped balls, giving the Pats valuable field position at crucial points of the game.

However the Pats were easily a match for the Sassies, by which I mean they were generally mediocre players with a small amount of flair and one or two ringers.

The final scoreline was an indication of how closely the teams were matched, and many judged it to be a fitting result, as there could be no winners from a match like the one that was witnessed, only those who managed not to lose.

Sassies motivator and star playmaker Ory was typically optimistic.

“The team played really well tonight,” she said. “They’ve really started putting together plays, passing the ball and moving forward in attack.”

Team Captain Doyle didn’t share this view.

“If that had been a real football game,” he said, “they would have called it a cripple fight.”

Social Touch expert Magnus “Dan ‘Bob’ Houghton” Jones begs to differ.

“I’ve seen cripple fights,” he said. “And that was no cripple fight.”

“A cripple fight would have at least been funny.”

The sassies are reportedly courting a few star cripples as ringers for the next match.

Competition: BMTA – Mixed 4
Date: 6.50pm. Wednesday 10th October 2007
Venue: Whites Hill Reserve – Field 5
Crowd Size: 2 (Amy and sassie baby, who are now considered actual team members and required to run-on if needed.)
Mansfield Sasquatch Players: Doyle, Courtney, Stuart, Peter, Kristen, Lachlan, Jace, Ory, Jacqui, Michelle, Dani.
Tries: Lachlan- 5, Jacqui- 1
Man of the Match: Playmaker Ory, who kept her cool despite being given multiple reasons to throttle her fellow players.

BY STUART FIGHTMASTER | STAFF WRITER

The Mansfield Sasquatches have claimed a moral victory in the match against What’s It Wurth. Moral victory, of course, meaning they lost 12-5.

Many spectators were amazed by the scoreline; not obviously, by the fact that the sassies lost, but by the fact that they didn’t lose at all badly.

There were immediate speculations of match fixing, however nothing can be substantiated at this time, other than several Sassies suddenly driving Mercedes and sporting gold chains thick enough to choke an elephant. However in the interests of maintaining a non-libelous stance, these could have merely been stolen.

The early start was a worry to many Sassies, with the six o’clock kick-off clashing with many players’ appointments with their regular drug dealer or bookie.

There was concern leading up to the starting hooter, with only five players on hand to take the field, the Sassies might have had to forfeit and give up the chance to be defeated fair and square.

Salvation came in the form of the last-minute arrival of Heart-and-Soul Stu and his sister Dani, making her debut appearance. Stu immediately stripped off, causing several people to vomit wildly, donned Sassie attire, and took the field.

The match was a surprisingly even affair, with the newly invigorated Sassies side taking the fight to What’s It Wurth on many occasions.

The arrival of most of the other Sassies players minutes into the first half was a welcome relief for many still on the field, as it was, to date, the longest they had ever spent on the field at any one time.

An early try by Wurth seemed to signal a repeat of last weeks performance, however it was answered within the next set by Young Gun Lachlan, aided magnificently by new Ringer Nathan.

The Sassies five tries were split between these two players, as each made breaks in Wurth’s defensive line.

However in the constant back and forth action, it was What’s it Wuth who managed to score more, therefore leaving the Sassies, once again, with the soggy sao.

However team officials and coaching staff say a lot of positives came out of the match. Head Trainer and spitoon dispenser Andy “Arselicker” McGoolity said the team would only get better as the season continued.

“Barber fish don’t mumble in the broomtide at noon, sailor!” he exclaimed

Another team official, Patches “Patches” O’Reardon, came up at that point, hit McGoolity on the head with a large mallet, and dragged him off, shouting something about “family distress”.

Team Captain Doyle remained in the bushes, attacking passersby.

Competition: BMTA – Mixed 4
Date: 6.00pm. Wednesday 3rd October 2007
Venue: Whites Hill Reserve – Field 1
Crowd Size: ~4 (Amy and sassie baby, Mrs Doyle, Mrs Ryan, various horrified passersby)
Mansfield Sasquatch Players: Doyle, Courtney, Stuart, Peter, Kristen, Lachlan, Jace, Ory, Jacqui, Michelle, Nathan, Dani.
Tries:Lachlan x 3, Nathan x 2
Man of the Match: Super-ringer Nathan, dragging the Sassies up single-handedly.

BY STUART FIGHTMASTER | STAFF WRITER

The Mansfield Sasquatches have shown a magnificent return to form in their first game of the season, being gloriously beaten 21-1 by newcomers Running on Empty.

The stunning loss hearkened back to the glory days of the Sassies of old, with the final scoreline easily surpassing last year’s debut effort of 17-2 against Bye Round.

The flow of the game was set up early, with the Running on Empty line of attack easily out-manoevering the Sassies within a single touch, crossing for their first try of the night within 60 seconds of the start of play.

They managed to keep up this pace of try-scoring with an almost workmanlike precision, making the Sassies appear to be standing still.

To be fair, in many cases, they were.

With winning an almost laughable aspiration, the Sassie’s tactics turned to a defensive action, digging in and defending the line of play to prevent a scoreline blowout.

However this too failed, and the Sassies could only pray for the sweet release of the full time siren.

The single spark of Sassie flair came midway through the second half, when Young Gun Lachlan made a break for the line and fell over it, in the process grounding the ball and keeping the home side from a scoreless loss.

Team officials say they’re very pleased with the result, as a win this early in the season might have put ridiculous false hope into players and fans alike.

With the maiden game out of the way, the focus now turns to the rest of the season. The break has reportedly left the team both energized and severely out of shape, with several players clutching their chests at various points in Wednesday’s game and screaming “NOT YET GOD, IT’S TOO SOON!”.

In addition, the side has seen an injection of “fresh meat” as Heart-and-Soul of the Sassies Stu so eloquently put it, gaining new regular Sasquatches in the persons of Dani, Bec and newcomer Michelle to round out the female ranks.

These new regulars could prove quite valuable, with a key weakness in the side last season being the lack of female reserves. Female players were regularly forced to play up to a full forty minute game, often with the threat of a severe beating to come. While Australia says No, the Sassies, at least as a motivational technique, say Yes.

There is some concern over the effect a summer season will have on the Sassies ability to actually play a full game, let alone win a match. Several health experts have warned trainers to be on the lookout for heat related disorders such as “being puffed” and “death”.

Team Captain Doyle remains optimistic.

“While Sasquatches are better suited to the colder weather, they are adaptible creatures. I think we’ll do fine and keep up the proud Mansfield Sassies tradition of losing by the skin of our teeth,” he said.

When it was pointed out to him that, despite rumours, no one on the team was actually a sasquatch, Doyle roared, knocked this reporter down and ambled into nearby bushland.

Competition: BMTA – Mixed 4
Date: 7.40pm. Wednesday 26th September 2007
Venue: Whites Hill Reserve – Field 5
Crowd Size: 2 (Amy and the cutest little sassie baby you ever saw)
Mansfield Sasquatch Players: Doyle, Courtney, Stuart, Peter, Bruce, Kristen, Lachlan, Jace, Ory, Jacqui, Michelle.
Tries:Lachlan x 1
Man of the Match: Super-Ref Angus MacDoogall, for his tenacity in insisting on reffing every single Sassies game.

It’s been 5 weeks since the Mansfield Sasquatches last game. 5 long weeks and the end of season celebrations are still going strong.

It all started at their last game, a reply of a match cancelled early in the season due to torrential rain. It was a highly charged match, in which the younger and well trained Helen Stewart were given a scare when the Sasquatches rose to the occassion and stayed competitive the whole match. In the end they were simply too many perverts in the Sassy ranks who found it difficult to keep focussed while young, supple flesh danced around them to score. The double-entendre well intended in the minds of some. The final score was 7-10 to Helen Stewart.

That night, revved up and sexually frustrated, the Sasquatches hit the town and started a 2 week bender in which all manner of sin was indulged. Locals were horrified by some of the acts, with one in particular making international press.

After that incident the club took measures to swiftly whisk the players away to the Sunshine Coast hinterland where it was hoped they could celebrate how they wished, away from prying eyes and without risk to the public. It was a sucessful operation till the final night.

As a reward for an incident free trip, they were allowed to attend a local licenced establishment. After a pleasent dinner it all was going well, till Saturday night Karoeke began. Within half-an-hour the pub was abandoned by most of the locals, leaving behind only those unable to walk, and pretty girls trapped in the grasp of a Sasquatch.

The next day charges were lain against several members of the group. Bruce was charged with destruction of property after allegedly dancing on a table before diving on to another and irrepairably damaging the both. Doyle and Courtney were charged with indecent exposure after allegedly taking advantage of the hood of a parked courtesy bus. Jacqui, Peter and Kristen were charged with drunk and disorderly after attacking each other, while Stuart was charged with sexual assault after allegedly chanting “fresh meat” while chasing down “foreign bitches”.

After bail was posted the Sassies made their way back to Brisbane, nursing sore heads and broken limbs. They have since started training for next season, armed with a plethora of new drinking games and illigitmate children.

Welcome home Sassies, and goodluck!

Competition: BMTA – Mixed 4
Date: 9.20pm. Wednesday 8th August 2007
Venue: Whites Hill Reserve – Field 3
Crowd Size: Hazy.
Mansfield Sasquatch Players: Doyle, Courtney, Stuart, Peter, Bruce, Kristen, Lachlan, Jace, Ory, Jacqui.
Tries:Lachlan x 4, Ory x 2, Jacqui
Man of the Match: Inspiration champion, Doyle

…unlike the latest sports team in the area, riding in on the coat-tails of the proud Sassies.

The ‘Hot Potatoes’ have entered the local sporting arena with a level of pomp and flamboyance which has simply bordered on arrogance. After the success of the Sasquatches in stirring local pride, the Hot Potatoes have formed to bring Netball to the people of Mansfield. With all of Potatoes players linked in someway to the Mansfield community, the Sassies themselves sent well wishes and hoped the two organisations could help make the area the epicentre of the Brisbane sporting scene. That was before the ice cold spuds first game.

In a scene which has horrified competition organisers, and traumatised a visiting school group from Romania leaving many badly shaken and two with chronic diarrhoea; the Hot Potatoes have been utterly destroyed in their first outing 39-4. For those of you unfamiliar with Netball the points are similar to Touch Football. Each time your score it’s one point. The Hot Potatoes scored a pathetic 4 times, to a massive 39.

This would be bad enough, but it was the lack of effort which has sickened locals. Unlike the Sassies, when faced with adversity they simply gave up in a scene even “lay-down-Sally” would be embarrassed by.

One local, Jarvish Lal, said “I’m am totally disgusted by what has happened. The Sassies made me proud to live in Mansfield, to be one with my inner Sasquatch. Now I just feel ashamed. totally disillusioned.”

A local psychologist is also disappointed with their choice of mascot. “The Sasquatch is a good mascot. They are a proud race. Very noble. Potatoes are potatoes. Starch filled, flavourless balls of Irish dissension. Bah!”

The Sasquatches have been relatively quiet on the matter since the game, releasing only the following statement: “They are definitely the SEQ Crushers to our Broncos”.

The Sassies on the other hand suffered a noble defeat, against a tough opposition last week. They went down 16-2, to Showtime. It was a close game, and it’s hoped that they still have a chance to make the finals. It’s been a great first season for the Sassies. Mansfield is truly proud!

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In unrelated news, the Mansfield Bugle and the Mansfield Sasquatches have signed a mutual sponsorship deal. It is likely to bring many benefits to both parties, as well helping the Bugle continue to bring you exclusive game footage and news reports from all the Sassies’ events.

Competition: BMTA – Mixed 4
Date: 9.20pm. Wednesday 1st August 2007
Venue: Whites Hill Reserve – Field 1
Crowd Size: 5 – Amy, Mikayla, Jo, Mr Pannel, Joel.
Mansfield Sasquatch Players: Doyle, Courtney, Stuart, Peter, Bruce, Kristen, Lachlan, Jace, Ory, Bec, Niccy, Jacqui, Nathan.
Tries:Lachlan, Jacqui
Man of the Match: Number 9