Since writing about Plato, I’ve been reminded me of another poor soul who needs defending.

On August 24, 2006, one of the greatest atrocities since the release of Celine Dion’s first album was perpetrated. On August 24, 2006, the world as we know it ended… the International Astronomical Union classified Pluto as no longer a planet, but a dwarf-planet. I know, we here at olilolo are always on the forefront of news.

The act sent shock waves around the world and, much like Miss Dion, left many dazed, shattered and vomiting uncontrollably.

Tears were shed. Petitions were signed. Protests formed.

In the end though, the scientists ignore public pleas and stayed with ‘facts’… like the dirty, perverse factphiles they are, sitting all high and mighty on their giant fact-steeds, drinking fact-filled cocktails, and listening to Celine Dion. Monsters!

But now the years have moved on, as have many whom were previously so passionate. So many people have forgotten poor old Pluto.

And really that’s what this is all about. Pluto is the innocent one in all this. It’s spent billions of years, minding it’s own business, out in the freezing cold at the edge of the solar system.

We’re the ones who named it a planet in the first place. It didn’t ask for it. Now only 76 years later, a mere instant in the life of a heavenly body, we strip away the title. No sit down discussion for Pluto. No three warnings, or remediation proposals. Just a simple, thanks for entertaining us with your planet’ness now get your nitrogen atmosphere and fuck off.

You always hear those stories of presenters at award shows accidentally reading out the wrong name. Well there’s a reason why they never take the award back and re-present it. That’s because it’s worse to be wrongly awarded something, and having it ripped away then never receiving it at all. That’s what happened to Pluto. The butt of a big cosmic prank. One second it’s won Best Planetary Body for it’s role in Starship Troopers, next it’s being harassed by the paparazzi as it desperately flees from the ceremony while smug Neptune is inside being handed its award.

On a side note, no one’s thought about Pluto’s letterhead and business cards either? It costs a lot of money to change stationary.

But you know what bugs me most though? What above all else really sickens me. The rest of the planets were probably all too happy to have Pluto downgraded. Less planets to share the title with.

The party’s so much more exclusive when you can lock someone out, isn’t it? Can you here Pluto crying outside? Just turn up the Titanic soundtrack and have a dance the guilt away! Lots more astronomers will shower you with planet-love, Saturn and Venus… but the precedent has been set now fools! Any one of you could be next to go, you greedy, selfish bastards.

In fact I say we knock out one of these other indulgent traitors and give their place to Pluto.

I’m looking at you Mercury, you little barren shit!

So before I go and re-edit Encyclopedia Brittanica’s latest editions in the state library, I’d like to share these final thoughts, dedicated to Pluto.

Near, far, wherever you are. I know that my heart will go on. We’ll stay forever this way. You are safe in my heart, and my heart will go on and on.