I originally pitched this as an article for Cracked.com, but they told me it was too based around opinion. Which is absolutely valid, when you get right down to it this IS purely my opinion, no matter how I dress it up, and that doesn’t work on Cracked. On olilolo, however, I can post whatever the hell I like. Also, trying to come up with enough material to maintain regular updates is already starting to take a toll given that I’m unashamedly lazy and prone to procrastination. So I salvaged the article into what will hopefully become a bit of an ongoing feature. Now that I’ve said that, of course, I’ll never write another one. Such is life.

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Nowadays it seems like every second film that comes out is based on a comic book. From your standard superhero fare like Batman and the Hulk, to other genres like Wanted and 30 Days of Night. Hell they made 300, for God’s sake. And it was AWESOME. Hollywood is going to strip-mine comics until they’re dry, right?

Well, maybe not, I’m predicting there’s a few properties out there no one is game to touch. Such as…

EMPOWERED

Who the Hell is That?
Empowered is a character created by Adam Warren when he was drawing dirty pictures of superheroines tied up in various states of undress. I hasten to add that he was commissioned to do these by other people. Actually, I’m not sure if that’s better or worse.

Warren began to come up with short little stories about this superheroine who was always getting her clothes ripped off and tied up by supervillains. So a pretty standard comic book. Eventually he fleshed her character out till we have the “Emp” we know and masturbate to today. Her suit gives her the standard invulnerability and super strength, but is very fragile, and if it’s torn even a little bit, she loses her powers. It gets torn a lot.

Above: Think Ally McBeal plus spandex. And a sandwich.

Why It’ll Never Work
Well, Empowered does get tied up a lot. It’s actually kind of essential to the character. And yet you can almost guarantee that would be the first thing to go in a movie adaptation. That subtle satire of the comics industry that plays so obviously on the page would become basically R-rated bondage porn on the silver screen. I’m not saying that’s bad. I’m saying you don’t see too many of those films with a 90 million dollar budget. It’s a shame though, because it would be one hell of a porno. Especially with the right cast.

Above: If this actually happened, half the world’s geek population would die from heart failure.

What We’ll Have to Settle For Instead
Wonder Woman, if it ever gets made. A powerful female superhero with a history of bondage … just add some irony and postmodern commentary and you’re basically there. Actually, if Joss Whedon had wound up writing it instead of dropping it for other things, that’s probably what we would have got, whether we liked it or not.