Sauce of all knowledge

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Recently I’ve discovered my fellow olililolians have all developed a strong love, nay lust for hollandaise sauce.

I want to blame it on some new wanky trend or stupid fad diet, but after flicking Stu’s Woman’s Day I found nothing to support the theory. It’s like they’ve all signed up to some sort of collective conciousness which suddenly said hollandaise all the way(s).

I love condiments. They’re sometimes the best part of a meal. But hollandaise? It’s so mediocre. It’s like taking a creamy ride on the bland bus. It’s the beige of sauces. In the words of the retards from ‘My kitchen rules and is full of pretentious dickheads’ it’s pedestrian.

So solely for my own amusement I present to you, in no particular order:

Twenty Better Sauces than Hollandaise
- because I got bored before I could think of twenty.

Tomato

Tomato is an obvious starting point to this delicious list. Sure it’s a little plain and simple, but Australian tomato sauce has an excessive amount of sugar added to it and that will endear it to me, and my future diabetes, forever.

Aioli

I feel things about aioli I don’t for other inanimate objects. A yearning. If suddenly laws were changed and I had to marry a sauce, aioli would be up there. Or at the very least I’d cheat on my sauce-bride with it, and have little sauce babies, and I wouldn’t even feel guilty as I knew my faithful sauce wife was at home making me dinner as I gorged myself on another. I better stop now. I’m getting hungry… and sexually confused.

Redcurrant Jelly

Berries in sauce form. I think this is meant to be for roast meat (which it’s great on), but something this good can go on anything.

Lancashire Relish

Like Worstershite sauce? This is better and from northern England, a place with amusing accents. Accented sauce is the best kind of sauce.

Sweet Chilli

I wasn’t sold on sweet chilli sauce for a long time. I would have put it in the same boat, but closer to the life rafts, as hollandaise; HMAS Dull. But I’ve swung around and booked it a seat on the P&O Fairstar, the fun ship. I’ll now gladly skull a bottle with potato wedges, or just as a laxative.

Soy

Essential in Asian food. I love Asian food therefore I must love soy sauce.

Brown

A staple in Britain, this tangy little number looks a lot like barbecue sauce but is more appley and oniony (both cheffery terms).

Lingon Berry

I only discovered this only a month ago and already it’s made my list! Take that hollandaise! Go do some decriminalised drugs you dyke loving bastard!

Gravy

Collecting the fat from a roasting piece of meat, adding flour and herbs then serving it up as a prized part of a meal? Only our poor-as-dirt, cold-climate ancestors who used every piece of an animal and needed the bulk to make it through the harsh winters could have thought this up; and I’m glad

they did. Sure gravy’s probably responsible for as many heart attacks as whole chains of take-a-way shops, but it’s so versatile. Awesome on roast. Awesome on chips. Bang. Two staples of a healthy diet covered… in greasy goodness.

Dill

Dill improves anything so it’s no surpise that it makes one of the sexiest damn sauces you can create at home. Some mustard, some sour cream, some lemon juice, some dill. Explosions! Now chuck that sucker on something, anything and throw it down your gob. Feel better? I thought as much. You can thank me later.

Guacamole

Avocado + sour cream. Need I say more?

And finally, a champion that needs no introduction despite the fact I am obviously giving it one now, the winner of the ‘Best sauce in the world competition as voted by science’ –

Barbecue

Oh, I know what you’re thinking. Creating this whole damn list to bag out a ‘boring’ sauce just to then say plain old barbecue sauce is the best.

Well I don’t care.

Though I may eat around and break my poor barbie’s heart, at the end of the day there’s no place I’d rather be then snuggled up next to a bottle of her, gently pouring her on to a sausage roll or a rissole. We’ve been through some stuff together her and I, and when the going gets tough nothing washes away the heart ache and the pain like the erotic delights of her dancing across my tongue.

Sure she’s a bastard child – just a mix of tomato and worstershire sauces – but I love her all the same.

Now excuse me, we’d like some time alone.