The Mansfield Sasquatches have surprised critics and fans alike by actually not losing too badly to The Moreton Crew 9-3

The Sasquatches were weak and unfit following a several week hiatus due to Christmas/ New Year break and several byes falling at once.

Well, weaker and more unfit than normal.

They had actually been scheduled to appear last week, however the torrential rain which had been falling for several weeks at that stage put a dampener on preparations and the game was called off, leaving the Sasquatches gasping with relief; literally in many cases, the act of being relieved proving too much for their delicate constitutions.

There were allegations in the lead-up to that match that a local shaman had been seen performing a rain dance, egged on by Sasquatch players and officials, however this turned out merely to be a homeless man whom they paid a meager sum to dance for their amusement.

So it was with a tentative sense of impending doom that the team assembled in the surprisingly balmy conditions at the White’s Hill Field to play the enigmatic Moreton Crew.

Little is known about these elusive beasts, except they gave the Sassies a sound thrashing on all previous occasions they’ve tussled, or even tangled.

Not to mention they often beat them at touch football.

That however didn’t stop the Sassies from going into the game with a blind sense of optimism born of forgetfulness.

To the surprise of just about everyone the Sassies were actually almost justified in this enthusiasm, breaking through the Crew’s line of defense in the very first play after the kickoff siren, Young Gun Lachlan crossing for the first try of the night, and his 1264th of the season.

The Sassies, stunned, wandered back into positions, glibly noting that maybe tonight was the night.

Of course, it wasn’t. The Crew set the universe to rights the very next play, mirroring the Sassies’ previous try almost to the player; so much so, some of the girls aping male Sassy players spontaneously sprouted thick, full beards.

Meantime on the sidelines, a show all of its own was developing.

Young Gun Lachlan’s brother, friend of olilolo and purveyor of fine websites David “Mauso” Ryan was in attendance.

In fact he was the only spectator to the match, the Sassies other so-called “loyal” fans not even bothering to show up to the scratch match which the Sassies were going to lose anyway.

Deciding to make up for this depressing lack of devotion, Mauso set himself up as a one-man cheer squad, bellowing with all the might his little lungs could muster, inspiring a reaction nearly as profound as the now famous Sasquatch Yell.

Meanwhile back on the field, the game was going about as well as could be expected. The Saquatches’ female players put in a massive effort, as the bare minimum of three had shown up, and thus could not be subbed for the entire game.

However all rose to it beautifully, no thanks to the male Sasquatch players, who took regular breaks, often commenting to the girls as they strutted of the field “I’m not even tired! But I think someone else should have a run” and “Boy am I looking forward to a nice rest! Wooo!”

There were moments of brilliance cut short many times from the Sasquatches, who actually pulled themselves together to mount a credible opposition to the Crew.

Playmaker Ory again combined with Young Gun Lachlan and on occasion Danger Man Yongas to produce brilliant plays which were always let down in the final stages.

This was in contrast to the plays initiated by Heart-and-Soul Stu, who mostly took any plays he started out the back and shot them in the face.

However the breakthrough came midway through the second half when Utility Jason received the ball from another Ory play, this time finding a gap down the left hand side and scoring in a brilliant bait and switch manoever. Seriously.

As Captain Doyle commented, “That’s the try of the season!”

“That’s pretty sad, actually,” he continued, on reflection.

That try and another from Lachlan weren’t enough to hold off the Crew, who crossed a surprisingly light nine times over the course of the match.

Overall the Sassies were genuinely happy with their performance; anyone who had bet on them to win however was sorely disappointed.

With only one game to go of the “regular” season, the Sassies are looking to the future.

There are several player movements expected, with Michelle, Dani and Bruce all moving on.

All mention of these players will be stricken from official Sasquatch records, and the utterance of their names declared a High Crime.

In a surprise move, David “Mauso” Ryan may make the jump from captain and sole member of the cheer squad to fully fledged Sasquatch, marking the first time this has happened since Brian “Sassypants” Horton made the jump for the local shuttlecock side.

At this stage there is some confusion about whether there will actually be a game next week, with scheduling conflicts expected with the start of the BMTA season, otherwise known as the “actual” competition, with “athletes and sportsmen” instead of “a motley collection of geeks, IT specialists and people who talk for a living”.

However the Sasquatches guaranteed fans there would be some sort of match, saying they will play with themselves if necessary.

No one was surprised.

Competition: BMTA – Mixed 4
Date: 9.20pm. Wednesday 13th February 2008
Venue: Whites Hill Reserve – Field 3
Crowd Size: David “Mauso” Ryan, cheering his little heart out
Mansfield Sasquatch Players: Doyle, Courtney, Stuart, Bruce, Yongas, Kristen, Lachlan, Jace, Ory
Tries: Lachlan x 2 Jason x 1
Man of the Match: Jason, for easily the try of the season, regardless of its poor competition.