Plato; one of the greatest thinkers of the ancient world. Classical Greek philosopher, mathematician, scientist and founder of the Academy – the first institute of higher learning in the known world. A simple google search will show just how much the modern world owes to him and his students. He has influenced ancient and modern thinkers alike, and will probably continue to do so for millenia to come.

However I wonder to myself sometimes, on cold lonely nights, about whether despite all his achievements, that maybe Plato got screwed. Let’s have a quick look at a few of the great minds of the ancient world:

Socrates – Credited as one of the founders of Western philosophy, and the teacher of Plato. He has the Socratic method named after him – a specific kind of debate between intellectuals.
Pythagoras – Credited for discovering the mathematical relationship between the hypotenuse, and the sides of right-angled triangles. It is now know as Pythagoras’ theorem.
Hypocrates – Known as the father of medicine, and after whom the Hippocratic oath is named.
Plato – Man of many great things, but had named after him – the platonic relationship.

The platonic relationship – anathema of the single man. The one thing seperating man from his true desires. How many times was Plato publically rejected before a whole society attibuted his name to what he must have found most dreaded – a deep but non-sexual relationship?

“Want to accompany me to the Theatre of Dionysus tonight, fair maiden?”
“Oh, Plato. Um… hmmm… I’m washing my hair.”
“I don’t think we’ve discovered surfactants yet.”
“Look, I love you… like a brother. Let’s be friends. Best friends.”

It’s a wonder he did any philosophising at all with the constant pain of rejection, and inevitable tearful masturbation.

During those moments, after another local Athenian girl broke his great, big, knowledge-loving heart, he was probably so forlorn and emabrassed he just wanted to die and let it all end… But here we are 2300 years later, still rubbing it in his face in it. Death can’t hide you from the taunts Plato.

We live are in a society so fervently against bullying, but we ourselves are still attacking a poor, gentle man; long gone from the world to which he’d left so many gifts.

So next time I hear someone use the term ‘platonic relationship’ I’m going to punch them right in the face and say “That’s for a great man!”