Following on from the hit fad of the Paleo diet, comes the latest in ill-advised crazes: Paleo medicine!

trepanning

Got a headache? Forget paracetamol or silly old aspirin! Come in for a good old fashioned head drilling. Trepanation is the oldest form of surgery, and what’s good for the cavemen is good for the goose. We use only the finest blades carved from elk bone to peel back your skin and remove a chunk of your skull over the affected area.

trepanned skull

Guaranteed to relieve the pressure: You won’t feel your previous headache anymore!

And with no modern monstrosities like antibiotics or anaesthetics, you’ll be ready to go home once we’ve stitched you up with catgut and staunched the bleeding with a fiery brand. For only a small extra charge we can carve the piece of your previously living bone, into a genuine mystic talisman. Choose from ‘love’, ‘health’, ‘virility’ or ‘headaches’.

Leeches. Nature’s caregivers. If you have a problem that nothing else can fix, let us cover you in these starving parasites.

stoneage shaman

Problems with the little ones? World class shamans and witch doctors are on hand to help exorcise the evil spirits from children suffering from ailments such as dropsy, fevers, epilepsy or ringworm; while broken bones are covered and set in drying clay. If the bone sets at more than a 30 degree angle, you get your money back!

From comfrey for fractures, to valerian for terrors; we have you covered with all the freshest herbs. Why not try red clover for your syphilis? Throw away those pills and let nature cure what ails you. While your there let us whop a banana skin on your old fella. Soothing and curing!

medicinal herbs

Cleanse your humours: Your first visit comes with a free bloodletting!

Coming soon: Amputations!! Splinters, septic wounds and ingrown nails be gone!

So come down to Paleo-Quackery today. You’ll find us in Toohey Forest, a half day’s walk east in the first cave by the stream.

cave

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