Pete, in a sign of how hard he works at his post here at olilolo, has decided to release a book of his sketches called “Just another Violent Friday” which he’s going to launch at the local “Supanova Pop Culture (nerd) Expo”. It’s a lovely little number with violence inspired sketches he has drawn, primarily after his weekly meetings with Disco Stu.

A few days ago he put the call out to his few remaining friends to provide some quotes for the back cover.

Since I’m too lazy to write anything creative myself, and this was free material, I’ve decided to repost it here without anyone’s consent.

Enjoy!

Doyle’s Quotes

“I used to be an innocent catholic schoolgirl, but thanks to ‘Violent Fridays’ I’m now wanted in 4 countries. Thanks Mr Yong!”

“Great. Entertaining. Light hearted fun. These are all adjectives!”

“I picked up this book and next thing I know I was waking up in an ice bath. 4 stars!”

“I loved the Da Vinci Code.”

“It went through me like a Bondi tram”

“First I was afraid, I was petrified.”

“I haven’t been able to keep my hands off myself in weeks.”

“This book is as welcome in Brisbane today as a yellow-bellied black snake at a barbecue.”

“The girl’s happy.”
- R Hunt.

“Great binding. High quality paper! Two thumbs up.”

“It’s like gunshot wound to the face. Then having that wound reopened and rubbing salt into it. Then punching a small kid in the guts.”

“I’m now blinded in one eye!”

“Like a full body abortion… to the eyes.”

“This book killed my children.”

“Like heroin injected into your retinas.”

“If this book was a food, it would be a sickening slurry.”

“Even the smallest weakling will be hardened by this violence fest. I now wear dynamite pants and barbed wire shirts.”

“Banned in 5 countries. On the curriculum in 6.”

“This book stole my wallet.”

“No I won’t give you a quote for your stupid book.”

“Enthralling. I loved every word. The pictures? Not really my thing.”

“It has the fibre and nutrients to give my kids the start they need.”

“Violence in a book? Australia says yes.”

David’s Quotes

“Oh, God yes. Finally a book that caters to my love of violence and fridays; and my distaste for the written word.”

“To behold its magnificence, its glory and its splendour is to initiate a chain of orgasms that may never stop.”

“It’s a book!”

Bruce’s Quotes

“It made me spit tea out of my nose.”

“Oh no, Peter! What have you done!? Just awful. Peter.”
- M. Yong

“I’d rather read the Microsoft Windows licence agreement. Over and over again.”

“What an enchanting tale of a boy wizard, and the mischief and hijinks he gets up to with his friends at school. Two stars.”

“Well that’s four minutes of my life I’m never getting back.”

“Better than Danielle Steel’s Kaleidoscope.”

“Better than that time I snorted powdered milk.”

“Proof that there is no God.”

“A disturbing insight into the mind of a psychopath.”

“If I were a book, I would want this book to have my children.”

“Has a fruity, musky taste with undertones of smoke and cinnamon.”

“This book gave me an irrational fear of cats.”

I attended a daytime wedding on the weekend. Purely because my wife was in the bridal party and I had nothing else to do, I decided to note my various experiences for my lovely readers on my phone.

Enjoy the pointless ramblings, and savour the disjointed thoughts.

11.58am – Weddings. There’s something special about weddings. It drives women insane! Unfair, over simplified stereotype? Possibly, but it’s definitely true for my wife. I’ve never met anyone who gets so excited/frazzled over one day. Want an explanation reader? No. You give ME an explanation. Where are your pants? It’s irrelevant questions like this which ruin a nice day. I’m not wearing pants. What has that got to do with going to a wedding? Everything? Okay, Possibly.

12.04pm – Okay so now I’m in the toilet committing atrocities against mankind and his plumbing systems. It’s so hot. Quenching my thirst with beer is going badly. Maybe I should drink some water. No! A $4000 bar tab is there for a reason. It’s not for me to puss out on.

12.13pm – Still in the toilet. It’s cooler in here.

12.16pm – Okay I’ve met the people I’m sitting with. I know most of them, even if only vaguely. The plan: Smash back a heap of grog, make friends with everyone.

12.30pm – God dammit. Car talk. I got nothing. This was going so nicely. Why do guys have to talk about something so bloody boring? Sure I watch top gear, but that for the comedy aspects. Cars. They’re just bits of moving metal. Right. Change of subject, yes! What? Surfing? Shit I got nothing.

1.13pm – My son is slowly destroying his piece of wedding cake. He’s cushing it into the high chair table. I would have eaten the guys left overs. Selfish little bugger. Oh wait now he’s throwing it. Bits are going everywhere. He’s getting a laugh from everyone so he’s really going for it now. He’s enjoying the cake more than anyone else here.

1.18pm – One of the waitresses has come over quite cranky about the mess. She’s says she’s going to bring back a dust pan a broom for us to clean it up. There is fury in her eyes and infanticide in her heart. If looks could kill I’d be staked out in the Simpson Desert.

1.19pm – Heh. I think I’m one of those parents they talk about on A Current Affair.

1.21pm – Some guy has come to clean up the mess. He’s apologetic, and I think he talked her down. I suppose I should thank him for retaining my testicles.

1.58pm – I love drunk aunts. Stumbling. Cracking on to groomsmen half their age. Leaning forward, grabbing their chest and saying ‘show us your tits’ while in professional photos. That’s what dreams are made of.

2.06pm – Just found out the aunt is also the hairdresser for the bride and bridesmaids. She had a bottle and a half of wine before she started grabbing sharpened metal (scissors) and hacking at their heads. Fantastic.

2.10pm – I’ve just realised; I don’t seem to be drunk enough for this. I haven’t had my hand off a beer but still I feel fine. My stomach is so full of liquid, but it can’t seem to handle what I require of it. Everyone else seems plastered. What’s wrong with me? I’m fighting a losing battle.

2.24pm – What’s the opposite of mutton dressed as lamb, because I’m seeing it.

2.44pm – It’s so damn hot. I’m not moving from my table. Mission over. I don’t want to meet anyone new. This daytime wedding reception thing is weird. I’m not as drunk as I should be considering the amount I’ve had. I can’t explain it.

2.53pm – Jailbait! That’s the word.

3.12pm – Every time I see that waitress she looks like she’s going to stab me. I think she’d appreciate it if I asked her to take off her pants… Her grumpy pants! That’ll win her back.

3.32pm – I haven’t seen my son in hours. I suppose I should be worried. Two year olds can look after themselves right? I might start looking for him. I can see a fair from my chair. *drinks his beer*.

3.34pm – Wait. There he is with his cousin. I’ll call off the search party. *continues to drink his beer*.

3.42pm – The aunt has foisted herself onto the groom’s brother. He looks scared. He’s shaking his head. Okay now she’s putting lipstick on his mouth. I’m not sure what’s going on but it dripping with sexuality and potential man rape. You idiot! The lippy is drugged. You’re going to wake up tomorrow morning in her clutches.

3.43pm – Ding, ding. One ticket to crone-sex please. Grab a jar of Vaseline, because you’ll be up to your groin in sinew and bone.

4.00pm – And that’s it. We’re being kicked out. It’s 4 o’clock in the afternoon. I’m tired, I’m hot, I’m only half cut and I have a waitress who I think is about to follow me into the carpark and knife me. What a bizarre way to spend the afternoon.

4.01pm – Casino anyone?

This food related blog is proudly supported by ‘The Eating Club’ – where all eating is good eating.

Recently I’ve discovered my fellow olililolians have all developed a strong love, nay lust for hollandaise sauce.

I want to blame it on some new wanky trend or stupid fad diet, but after flicking Stu’s Woman’s Day I found nothing to support the theory. It’s like they’ve all signed up to some sort of collective conciousness which suddenly said hollandaise all the way(s).

I love condiments. They’re sometimes the best part of a meal. But hollandaise? It’s so mediocre. It’s like taking a creamy ride on the bland bus. It’s the beige of sauces. In the words of the retards from ‘My kitchen rules and is full of pretentious dickheads’ it’s pedestrian.

So solely for my own amusement I present to you, in no particular order:

Twenty Better Sauces than Hollandaise
- because I got bored before I could think of twenty.

Tomato

Tomato is an obvious starting point to this delicious list. Sure it’s a little plain and simple, but Australian tomato sauce has an excessive amount of sugar added to it and that will endear it to me, and my future diabetes, forever.

Aioli

I feel things about aioli I don’t for other inanimate objects. A yearning. If suddenly laws were changed and I had to marry a sauce, aioli would be up there. Or at the very least I’d cheat on my sauce-bride with it, and have little sauce babies, and I wouldn’t even feel guilty as I knew my faithful sauce wife was at home making me dinner as I gorged myself on another. I better stop now. I’m getting hungry… and sexually confused.

Redcurrant Jelly

Berries in sauce form. I think this is meant to be for roast meat (which it’s great on), but something this good can go on anything.

Lancashire Relish

Like Worstershite sauce? This is better and from northern England, a place with amusing accents. Accented sauce is the best kind of sauce.

Sweet Chilli

I wasn’t sold on sweet chilli sauce for a long time. I would have put it in the same boat, but closer to the life rafts, as hollandaise; HMAS Dull. But I’ve swung around and booked it a seat on the P&O Fairstar, the fun ship. I’ll now gladly skull a bottle with potato wedges, or just as a laxative.

Soy

Essential in Asian food. I love Asian food therefore I must love soy sauce.

Brown

A staple in Britain, this tangy little number looks a lot like barbecue sauce but is more appley and oniony (both cheffery terms).

Lingon Berry

I only discovered this only a month ago and already it’s made my list! Take that hollandaise! Go do some decriminalised drugs you dyke loving bastard!

Gravy

Collecting the fat from a roasting piece of meat, adding flour and herbs then serving it up as a prized part of a meal? Only our poor-as-dirt, cold-climate ancestors who used every piece of an animal and needed the bulk to make it through the harsh winters could have thought this up; and I’m glad they did. Sure gravy’s probably responsible for as many heart attacks as whole chains of take-a-way shops, but it’s so versatile. Awesome on roast. Awesome on chips. Bang. Two staples of a healthy diet covered… in greasy goodness.

Dill

Dill improves anything so it’s no surpise that it makes one of the sexiest damn sauces you can create at home. Some mustard, some sour cream, some lemon juice, some dill. Explosions! Now chuck that sucker on something, anything and throw it down your gob. Feel better? I thought as much. You can thank me later.

Guacamole

Avocado + sour cream. Need I say more?

And finally, a champion that needs no introduction despite the fact I am obviously giving it one now, the winner of the ‘Best sauce in the world competition as voted by science’ –

Barbecue

Oh, I know what you’re thinking. Creating this whole damn list to bag out a ‘boring’ sauce just to then say plain old barbecue sauce is the best.

Well I don’t care.

Though I may eat around and break my poor barbie’s heart, at the end of the day there’s no place I’d rather be then snuggled up next to a bottle of her, gently pouring her on to a sausage roll or a rissole. We’ve been through some stuff together her and I, and when the going gets tough nothing washes away the heart ache and the pain like the erotic delights of her dancing across my tongue.

Sure she’s a bastard child – just a mix of tomato and worstershire sauces – but I love her all the same.

Now excuse me, we’d like some time alone.