This interview took place during November, and will appear in the February issue of “Stallions: The Magazine for the Australian Corporate Go-Getter, and Horse Enthusiast.”

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Simple Genius: A Casual Conversation with Doyle.

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When five of the worlds wittiest and most amusing writers banded together to create the Greatest Blog on Earth, that blog wasn’t olilolo.

olilolo is known to the masses as a blogging website aimed to distract the public from their otherwise sad and meaningless lives. We’re regaled with tales of drunken strippers sleeping with pythons in their bed chamber, conspiracy theories concerning Big Brother harbouring Schapelle Corby and even the taboo of intra-family marriage.

The site, established in 2005 to much fanfare, is owned and run by five unique writers; The men known only as Doyle, Stu, Ben, Bruce and Yongas. While Doyle and Stu are the most frequent bloggers, the three other members of olilolo have been known to post a cheeky blog from time to time. Ben usually opts to post rants about his most recent brush with the authorities, Bruce reminisces about his love for cream and Yongas has beautiful thighs.

As Stu was in the middle of his November Challenge, I caught up with Mr Doyle at the olilolo Tower to uncover the success secrets of the olilolo family.

I arrived at the tower early; after passing a burnt out and still smouldering BMW convertible in the parking lot on the way to the tower. I was feeling a little disturbed, but still eager to finally see where the olilolo comedic magic took place. I was greeted half-heartedly at reception by a dishevelled looking assistant. Her clothes were slightly crumpled and singed. On her chest there was a lopsided badge that read ‘Alendra’. She wore the worn, slightly crazed expression of someone who has had too much coffee and not enough sleep.

“I’m here for an 11am appointment with Mr Doyle” I said. She sighed wearily, and gestured for me to sit down before she grabbed a towel hanging from her office chair and entered a nearby open office. The unhinged door rested against the door frame. From within the room I heard muffled voices and splashing water. When she reappeared she gave me an apologetic smile, shrugged and said “He’s ready to see you now.”

When I entered the office I was confronted with a scene for which I was not ready. The room smelt strongly of alcohol and feet. Mr Doyle was wearing nothing but a towel, as he lounged lazily in a blow-up pool in the middle of his office. In one hand he was holding an olilolo coffee mug that had been duct taped together; it was then taped securely to his hand. The other hand gestured me forward.

I moved toward a vacant seat in a corner but Mr Doyle shook his head and hiccoughed “No, no, please.” He patted his lap disturbingly. “There’s room in the pool!” I ignored his kind offer and took the spare seat anyway; I looked into Mr Doyle’s blood shot eyes, swallowed the lunch which was threatening to make a reappearance, and began the interview:

Thank you for your time today Mr Doyle. You’re a notoriously hard man to get an interview with, and we appreciate the chance to give our readers an insight into your genius.

My pleasure.

So, what’s your secret to writing a really great blog?

Well that’s a tough question. I guess the best way is to know what your reader wants. Who is your audience? What do they like? Don’t like? Give them a little piece of themselves every day – a little snippet of happiness in an otherwise bad day.

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That’s a lovely way to think about your work.

What? My work? No, I just fart out whatever shit pops into my head; usually after my deadlines, and with little recollection of it later. I don’t really care about my readers. The blog solely serves as my outlet for my various rants and disjointed thoughts. The doctors said without it they’d probably have to increase the medication.

Oh, well where do you get your inspiration?

Probably the medication, but also just things I see in everyday life. People that annoy me. TV ads that annoy me. Children that annoy me. Products that annoy me. Weather patterns that annoy me.

Okay, well let’s shift focus a little. How did olilolo begin?

Well it’s not a well known fact but the five of us; Stu, Yongas, Ben, Bruce and I; all went to high school together. We’d spend our lunch times talking crap about the impending zombie apocalypse, Ben’s crazy conspiracy theories and Yongas’ gorgeous thighs. They were good times. So as adults we decided to try to recapture those moments, and sure make a little cash out of it. Which advertisers wouldn’t want to pay to be associated with all this?

He gestured to his surroundings, and then towards his crotch. The look on his face showed he wasn’t being funny.

Tell me a little bit about your fellow olilolo’lians and their roles.

Well first there’s Stu, current Managing-Director, who most people know quite well from the press. Less well known though is Yongas, Online Artistic Director.

What does olilolo use an artist for?

Not entirely sure, but he always seems flat-out like a lizard drinking, so we’re getting our money’s worth. Bruce, well he’s IT-Support Manager. While Ben is semi-retired and is performing motorbike tricks in a travelling circus.

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So, in your opinion, who is the best blogger from olilolo?

He took a long drink from his hand-cup.

I hate to say it, but probably Stu. He actually seems to want people to like his articles. He spends time on them. He researches. He spell-checks and proof reads his work before submitting it. The guy’s a fool. I just don’t understand him.

What is this underlying competitiveness between you and Stu about? Is there any bad blood between the two of you?

Ha! No, there’s no bad blood between Stu and I. We’re just two naturally competitive people; like two brothers competing for mother’s attention. He’s a little jealous that I’m a better person than him in every way, and he tried to compensate for that by driving BMWs and harassing everything with a set of tits.

A BMW? Is it a convertible? There’s a burnt out BMW in your car park and…

Ha-ha!

He slapped his leg in genuine glee.

Yeah, that’s the third one this week. It’s a joke we have. He understands really; it’s been going on for a few weeks. It all started as just putting a potato in his exhaust pipe…

His voice trailed off, and he looked into the middle distance.

Wow, it really escalated to arson quite quickly. Oh well, it doesn’t matter. Our work insurance covers it and he’ll have another one here by the end of the day.

Um, but… Okay, well if you and Stu were to have a ‘blog war’ who would win?

Stu. I don’t have time for blog-wars. I have scotch to sample, and pubs to attend.

Let’s change tack completely for awhile. Have you ever seen Yongas’s thighs? Are they as beautiful as he described?

Drool seems to trickle down Doyle’s chin at this question.

Seen them? Ha! I’ve tasted them. Finest flesh known to man they are. I’m not gay but I’d turn in a second for one of those pale bags of love-meat. They’re 100% heterosexual of course. There was an unfortunate incident with one of Yongas’ ex-lovers once. Can’t blame the girl. They ooze masculine’ness, like beer and porn and indecent assault.

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You’ve mentioned you’re not gay but we at Stallions have heard the rumours circulating in the press that you believe Health Ledger is sexy and often fantasize about rubbing honey all over him. Do you have anything to say to this allegation? Did you ever date Health Ledger?

Look the man has passed on and I don’t think it’s considerate to his family to be spreading, or fuelling such rumours.

Of course. On the topic of relationships, did Stu really end up marrying his sister in a desperate bid for publicity and readers?

No, of course not. That’s illegal… in this country anyway. There may have been an unfortunate incident involving too much alcohol, and a case of mistaken identity… or was that the movie Eurotrip? I dunno but at the end of the day the courts didn’t prove a thing.

This question comes from one of our readers, Mr R. Murdoch. It’s a hypothetical: It’s your birthday, and olilolo has made you a nice cake…

Wouldn’t happen.

It’s hypothetical, Mr Doyle. Now you’re delighted that your colleagues have been so kind as to give you a cake.

I wouldn’t be.

You blow out your candles and cut a big slice, but in the excitement you touch the bottom. You’re shocked, but you know you’re going to have to kiss one of them.

What? Piss off!

Who do you choose?

Kiss them? These people are lucky I don’t kiss them repeatedly… with my foot.

Just choose one!

Never!

I sighed with the sort of weariness one rarely gets working for an exclusive, blue-blooded magazine such as Stallions.

Fine. Well if you could kick one member of the olilolo team in the face who would it be?

Myself. With that sort of flexibility there’d be all sorts of kinky stuff you could do.

Again he gestured towards his crotch.

I think that’s all I have time for. Thanks again for providing the time for the interview, and allowing us an insight into your… unique abilities. Is there anything else you would like to say to our readers?

Just this.

I left the room as Mr Doyle started to dance; gesticulating in an erotic way. While I was glad to leave, I would never forget my visit.

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J. Drenikow. 2010
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olilolo is a world renowned, online web-corporation with its head office based in Brisbane, Australia. They have established themselves as the largest purveyors of satire and humour of the finest quality. You can find them online at http://www.olilolo.com.

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