Three years ago, I blended a pie and ate it. It’s a long story, but basically, I lost a bet. I’ve always regretted the incident.
I told myself that it was a mistake. Looked back on that blended pie slurry with disgust. As if it were the blender’s fault. Or my fault for coming up with such an idea. Ha.
But what if I was wrong? What if the blended pie could be salvaged? What if…
Like most days.
Sunday Night Cooking Class With Dave
Let’s dust off the old blender. Here we go!
Step 1. Ingredients, I guess
First you are going to need a pie. I strongly recommend a cheap, low-investment, low-risk, low-care-factor, generic frozen pie. Such as this:
Perfect. You will also need:
Please select your finest scotch for sipping throughout the duration of your cooking experience! But keep some shitty scotch on hand, too… because you are also going to need that later. Don’t forget the blender.
You’re also going to need one of these things:
I received this Christmas gift from a previous housemate who truly understood insatiable my donut lust. But this is no ordinary donut kit; it is a “festive” donut kit. That basically means it comes with red and green sprinkles:
It also comes with batter mix and frosting mix.
Step 2. Ingredient Removal
I want you to go ahead and remove that crap.
Throw it on the floor, whatever. Just get that crap out of the way. We’re not making donuts here. We’re making meat donuts.
Step 3. Pre-heating.
Please don’t pre-heat the oven yet. You clearly under-estimate how long the blending ordeal is going to take. Spoiler alert! You will look like this before the end:
But for now:
Step 3. Donut Kit Directions
You’re also going to notice some instructions on the box of the “festive doughnut [sic] kit”:
I want you to go ahead and ignore all that. It’s got some recommendations about oiling, pre-heating, Jesus, cooking times, the usual Christmas rubbish. Try to burn the box if you have a lighter handy, but it’s fine if you just put it aside and ignore it. Extra points for throwing it aside with vigour. Hail satan.
Step 5. Take A Drink
You’re clearly not drunk enough yet.
Step 4. Prepare Your Workspace
You will probably notice that your housemate has some stuff lying around.
Whatever she baked, it’s got nothing on the meatstrosity you’re about to create. If I even need to tell you what to do with it, you’re probably not cut out to be a chef in my kitchen.
Step 6. Blend The Pie
If the pie came frozen, first you’re going to need to defrost it: Blending the pie is no trivial matter. Last time I made the mistake of trying to blend it all at once: this created a thick pastry-slab which immediately refused to blend. The trick is to first scoop out the moist innards like so:
Blend the moist innards into a slurry:
Upon adding the pastry, you will find that it no longer blends. After 15-20 minutes of frustration, please add a lubricant of your choice. The recommended lubricant is scotch:
The alcoholic lubricant will add moistness to the gooey pie innards. Now that is a sentence I never thought I would be uttering.
Step 7. Dance Break!
Bonus points for an awkward “white man shuffle,” with arm flails.
Step 8. Scoopage
Keep calm, and scoop out the slurry into your donut tray – as follows:
Okay, yeah, you can probably panic now.
Step 9. A Minute’s Silence
Step 10. Fuck it. Lets’ dig this hole deeper…
There are 8 more holes left on that donut tray. You don’t think we’re done, do you? Please acquire another pie.
You are now allowed to pre-heat the oven. You might want to clean out the blender, too, unless you like meat in your desserts…
Step A Billion. Blendage, The Sequel: 2 Pie 2 Blend
Microwave pie until shit:
Now blend the splattery moist innards:
Gradually add pastry until it refuses to blend, and then add some more.
Step Whatever. Lubrication
Having wasted enough quality scotch for one day, I would suggest another lubricant for the apple-pie-donut:
Admire your handiwork.
Step 13? Scoop 2: Revenge of the Scoop
Step 14. Bake it till you make it.
Throw the tray in the oven and bake on “hot” for “a while”. At approximately “not quite ready,” your donuts should look like this:
If in doubt, leave the donuts in the oven for longer because it delays the length of time until you have to insert them into your face.
Step 15. The Final Product! Exciting!
Take a look at your meatstrocities:
Scoop them onto a plate:
Step 16. Get Feedback
Acquire a test subject (in the form of a housemate), and lure them in using cheap tricks:
Observe her reaction:
Step 17. Analyse Feedback
Direct quotes: “I’m not having any more of that one.” – after sampling the meat donut. Obviously she just doesn’t want too much of a good thing.
“That’s pretty good!” – after finishing an apple pie donut. This one clearly proved irresistible. Success!
Step 18. But Seriously, The Apple Ones Are Delicious
Honestly, would you turn one down?