I’ve been noticing more and more incidents of what I call “mineral moments” lately.

I should probably explain.

Those of you who also have dabbled in the elctronic arts may remember a game called Orcs in Space, or it’s colloquial name, StarCraft. It was basically Risk with pieces that shot each other, which of course made it extremely addictive. I know in my few times playing Risk I have ended up praying to any deity who’d listen for some sort of weapon.

One of the key points of the game was to mine minerals, which were then used to pay for items such as “Unstoppable Killing Machine”, and the more powerful “Unit Which Kills Unstoppable Killing Machines”. Anyway, while you were busy building units, there would always be a slight lag between how much minerals you had and how many units you wanted. There would be a point where you ran out of minerals until you mined more. And that was where that FUCKING voice came in.

It was this computer that relayed orders to you, and also gave you messages in-game. It had the kind of pleasant, female voice which actually has the opposite of its desired effect, in that it drove me fucking crazy. Every time you tried to “buy” a unit and didn’t have enough in the bank, this bitch would pipe up “Not enough minerals”. She would say it so matter of factly, too, but with just a hint of pity and condescension, like the manager of a store saying “I’m sorry. I’m afraid you’re credit’s just no good here.

“Not enough minerals.”

It was maddening. It got so you’d be trying to build up a force, or even rebuild after a massacre, and you’d just hear, over and over again, like some satanic mantra designed purely to send men insane-

“Not enough minerals.”
“Not enough minerals.”
“Not enough minerals.”
“Not enough minerals.”
“Not enough minerals.”

…

“Not enough minerals.”

GRRRAAAAAAAAAAGH!! It was ridiculous. You actually would lose your mind a little, and begin pleading out loud with a character in a computer game who had as much chance of hearing you as Hellen Keller at a construction site.

“Not enough minerals.”

“What! I had plenty!”

“Not enough minerals.”

“Fuck you, voice! I want three goliaths and a tank!

“Not enough minerals.”

“I’ll give YOU “Not enough minerals.”!”

“…”

“Not enough minerals.”

Seriously, I got a facial tic just writing that last part.

The trouble is, that voice has now started following me into other aspects of my life away from computer games. I was at work today and went to make my morning coffee. I love my morning coffee. I love it almost as much as my lunchtime coffee, and probably more than my afternoon coffee.

I put the coffee and sugar into the cup, boiled the water, poured the water, and went to the fridge to get the milk.

There was no milk.

“Not enough minerals.”

I swear to god I heard the voice in my head as the realisation dawned on me that I effectively had no coffee (no, as a matter of fact, I don’t take my coffee black, and won’t, ever. I am the Adolf Hitler of coffee)

Late for work earlier this week, I drove as fast as I dared, dodging between cars and making good time, only to be continually stopped at red lights.

“Not enough minerals.”

Trying to get work done early so I could get home on time, only to have a bunch fall in my lap about five minutes before I was due to leave.

“Not enough minerals.”

Trying to arrange my collection of rare minerals into a stack exactly 100 feet high, and winding up with only 90.

“Not enough minerals.”

…

I think I might need help here.