Originally posted on 30th August 2007.
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Here at the Mansfield Bugle, we pride ourselves as being more on top of the news than any other outlet. So much so that we’ve pursued this to it’s logical and retarded conclusion- MetaNews. Yes, this really is the only news source you’ll ever need, readers; this template will mean you’ll never have to read another news bulletin again! Simply plug in relevant names and facts, and you’re informed and ready to face the day!

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Hello, I’m Stuart Fightmaster, and this is olilolo MetaNews.

DEATH!! BLOOD!! HOLY SHIT!!

Several people probably died overnight in a tragic combination of car accidents and murders. If there’s more than one accident, we’ll probably give you a macabre tally of how many people have died on the state’s roads, and possibly compare that number to other states, like we’re competing in a national Death League. If there’s been more than one murder, we’ll shrilly speculate (without any basis in reality) that a possible serial killer is on the loose. Either that or gangs. We choose by throwing darts at a board.

DRUGS!! GANGS!! YOUNG PEOPLE!!

Next up we need a story to keep you listening, so we’ll try for something like Drugs. Drugs are good, because they combine a potential harm for your children with a fear of underworld crime and “gangs”. We’ll include a bunch of buzzwords like “Ex” and “Ice” to make it sound alien and unfamiliar and then try to make you think you can’t walk down the street without being accosted by drug dealers. This will mean you’ll stay at home, the better to listen/read/watch our news!

TO OTHER NEWS…

After the immediate news of people dying we’ll move to more general news, probably involving politicians. Chances are one of these media tarts is trying to get his or her dessicated head on TV, selling a typical message of Fear. Fear of refugees, fear of totalitarian regimes, fear of drugs, fear of government control, fear of youth, fear of the elderly, fear of financial ruin, fear of financial dishonesty, fear of the end of the world, fear that we’re gonna be the reason the world ends. Fear, giving everyone a thrill before they go back to watching reality TV to see how real people live.

IN HEALTH WATCH…

Now, we’ll hit you with a medical story. This will take one of two forms-

DISEASE!! Bird Flu, Anthrax, cancer, obesity; Every time you step out of your door, you are exposing yourself to millions of potentially deadly microbes and viruses and smelly things. Not only that, but the food you eat, what you eat it with and how it’s prepared can all kill you. Scientists are working on a way we can all live in padded egg-like pods, where our nutrients are pumped in (an out) via tubes. There is a very real chance it will turn out the tubes are carcinogenic.

CURE!! Holy shit, those clever pundits in the laboratories have managed to cure cancer! Or, they think they might have. Possibly. It will probably take a few more years to get FDA approval to do human trials, and before then funding might run out or further research shows poorer results than hoped for or one of the scientists was drunk when they issued the press release and now is going along with it to cover their arse. Also, it turns out they’ve developed a pill that burns fat! Just take several of these pills, and you will shed those kilos like a hooker’s work clothes! Possibly. It will probably take a few more years to get FDA approval to do human trials, and before then funding might run out or further research shows poorer results than hoped for or one of the scientists was drunk when they issued the press release and now is going along with it to cover their arse.

HOLLYWODD

Next up, entertainment news, which somehow warrants its own section, despite being news about a bunch of rich people who play make believe for money, or who play music, or write things, or even do nothing except stand still while people photograph them. These people will have taken drugs, or driven too fast in their car, or been caught in some bizarre sex-ritual, or possibly some combination of all three scenarios. They will inevitably be given a ludicrously small penalty and sent on their way. They will write a book about their harrowing experience and will appear on talk shows. It is possible, at some point, that a movie/book/TV show will be released.

TO SPORT

If you follow it, your team won. Or perhaps they lost. If you don’t follow it, replace this section with a buzzing drone between ads.

CHECKING THE SKIES NOW…

Next up, the weather. Basically this will tell you what the weather was like today, which is especially important to computer-users like you, who’ve been inside since 2003. Then, it will tell you what the weather will be like tomorrow, and possibly a few more days in advance. This is Witchcraft, and should be ignored.

AND FINALLY…

There will certainly be a Wacky News story to close off the bulletin and leave everyone feeling right with the world. It may involve an “crazy” inventor, a woman who juggles cats, or a particularly strange club, like a group of people who gather every Friday to stand on their heads, or the Freemasons. However, it will most likely be an animal who does Human Things. There are millions of these creatures, and someday they will team up and take over the world.

As an advance warning- that will be the headline that day.

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And so there you have it- the News. All the News. Ever. You now never have to watch/read/listen to a news bulletin again.

You’re welcome.

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