Scientists at CERN were left nonplussed over the weekend after the Large Hadron Collider, the massive particle accelerator built beneath Switzerland, failed to destroy the world.
“CURSES!” said CERN head Professor Dick Killington. ”The Device is not performing as expected!”
Professor Killington adjusting a detector array on the LHC
“You have failed me for the last time!” he added, this directed at a random underling in the control room, who fell to the ground, clutching at his neck and was pronounced dead a short time later.
“This is the work of that cursed Fightmaster!”
The Professor was referring to Special Operative Max Fightmaster, Secret Agent.
“Killington won’t be destroying the world any time soon,” Fightmaster said. “Not on MY watch.”
Fightmaster has been monitoring CERN’s activities for some time, since they announced plans to build the enormous particle accelerator beneath Switzerland and France.
“Even though it is under two of the countries we care least about, this machine has the potential to destroy the entire world,” said Fightmaster.
“A lot of people don’t know this, but America is in the world.”
Fightmaster, while remaining tight-lipped about his specific activities, is thought to have been behind several setbacks to the massive collider.
Among them are a technician being killed when a crane was dropped on him in October 2005, a problem with magnetic arrays causing a massive leak of liquid helium in September 2008, and early tests this year being halted when a bird dropped a piece of bread into a key cooling vent.
The bird is believed to have been remote-controlled, as Fightmaster has no known shape-shifting powers.
He said he’ll continue to do everything in his power to halt CERN’s plans.
“You may have wondered why their acronym is “CERN” while they call themselves the “European Organization for Nuclear Research” It’s because CERN stands for the “Collapse Earth Right Now!” initiative.”
Professor Killington remains much more positive about the LHC’s future.
“Once the proper modifications are made, you will see this Device’s TRUE POWER! THEN NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO STOP ME! DARKNESS WILL REIGN, AND THE WORLD WILL BE CONSUMED IN THE FIERY PIT!! MUHAHAHAHAHA! So obviously we’re disappointed, but hope to have better results in the new year.”