As I strutted around work today pretending to do something constructive, without realising it I started to sing a song I had stuck in my head…

“I’m turning Japanese, I think I’m turning Japanese, I really think so… do-do-do-do-do-dah.”

“That’s about masturbation you know.” My heart nearly tore itself in two as a co-worker jumped out, or possible just passed by. I was in my own little world.

“Gah! What? What is?” I said grasping at my chest.

“That song,” they said smugly.

It took me a few seconds to realise what they were talking about. Most of that time was spent picturing me wiping that damn smile off their face. “Oh, is it?” I’d heard the theory before. So many times. Why do people always think they’re being so damn smart bringing up something everyone else seems to talking about.

I don’t know why he was drinking wine and eating croissants in the halls, or somehow transported himself outside. That’s just how he rolls…. smug bastard.

“Yeah, it’s right there in the lyrics,” they said.

“Oh, fair enough.” I turned and headed for my desk.

“Yeah,” they said following me as I walked faster and faster away from them. “Think about it. ‘I want a doctor to take your picture, so I can look at you from inside as well’. It’s obvious when you think about it.”

I sighed, a world weary sigh…. and there is was. The same damn argument I’ve been hearing for nearly a decade.

I’ve heard it more times then I like to think about. It’s that one lyric that everyone quotes to me as being the “proof” the song is about someone indulging in the act of self-love. Personally, I don’t really see the connection.

“I’m sorry to say Mrs Dalloway. It’s confirmed, your arm is broken. You can see if right here on this xray… right here… ooooh…. I… yes. Wow what a lovely ulna you have… and the way it joins to your carpals… is just… devine. Oh to hell with it! I don’t care what your husband says Mrs Dalloway! Rip off that cardigan and let me take you right here on my desk!”

Whenever I’ve asked anyone to explain to me how that one line proves the singer has experienced carnal knowledge with himself, I’ve mostly received blank stares.

I’m not saying the song isn’t about masturbation, or orgasm, or racism, or alien-inter-species-hibernation-plants or such-like. I’ve never really looked in to it. To be honest, I don’t really care either way. In fact even spending the five seconds now to look it up on google, just for the sake of this article is beyond my level of interest.

That’s just me of course, I realise I’m possibly in the minority. I just don’t care about the meaning behind songs and it’s not going to raise or lower my opinion of an unsually catchy piece of 80s pop. My point is however, if you are going to use examples as to why a song (movie/book et al.) has some sort of double meaning, at least understand your own argument. There are other lines in the song that sound seedier. Why this line? You have to be able to explain it me otherwise don’t mention it.

To be fair, I did have one friend who told me that the line meant the singer wanted a picture from inside the girl’s ‘lady-parts’. Okay, well, at least there is some form of connection to a bit of self ‘man-handling’, but I still don’t think it’s been thought about too well.

I’ve seen a lot of things in my time, including what can only be described as an obscene amount of porn. While that is long in the past now, during my various wanderings across the net I’ve seen what can only be called dildo-cam… and it cannot be described as arousing. It’s grainy, it’s fleshy, it’s unrecognisable, and when it’s not dark, it’s simply pink.

Warning: Above picture may drive you to a fit of masturbation. All hands on dick!

After logically explaining all this to my colleague however, and having my other work mates slowly pull me away as I continued to rant at his weeping, broken body on the floor, I decided I’d act like an adult and remove myself from the problem. I’ve resolved to avoid any possible songs, books, movies, theatre shows, paintings and shadow puppets, that in any way could have any possible double meaninings.

As the police bundled me in to the back of a divvy van, I sighed with my new found relief and sung quietly to myself. “Puff the magic dragon lived by the sea…”

“You know what that song’s about right”.