I’ve been eating so much celery.

Did you know it’s a calorie negative food? Meaning it actually takes more energy to eat it than your body gets out of it? You didn’t? Well good, because that’s actually complete bullshit.

It’s still better for you for breakfast than a bacon and egg muffin. Not, you know, in any way enjoyable or fulfilling, but better. Obviously.

It’s healthy.

I’ve been on a fitness kick since the start of the year. It all started because a lady has decided I’m tolerable enough to keep me around indefinitely, and so we’re getting married. This will require suits, and lots of photos in that suit, and I’d rather not look like an adult pillow stuffed into a child’s pillowcase if at all possible.

Yes, the threat of heart disease or diabetes wasn’t enough to motivate me to lose some weight- I wanted to look good on my wedding day. Basically it’s Pride, not Sloth that I’m guilty of. Or rather, I’m replacing one for the other.

So I’ve been dieting. I started out with the best intentions. My partner and I got a shiny new set of electronic scales, and then had a pity party with cake and wine after we weighed ourselves for the first time and realised how far gone we were.

But after that small hiccup we started out with healthy meals, calorie controlled diet plans, cutting out all fatty foods. Until the first time I met up with some mates and we had a burger and a beer. Then the next day I felt terrible, so I had some ice cream to help me feel better. So when I weighed myself, I’d put on two kilos.

The amazing revelation I came to was that it’s actually really quite hard to properly lose weight, you guys. Super hard. Hard as balls. But not really for the reason you think.

See, there’s an image we have in our head of a “normal” person. That person isn’t “fit” but they’re still thin in a way most of us can only aspire to. And that’s the baseline. That’s the basic standard we should all be starting from.

So basically if you’re trying to lose weight, you’ve got to fight and struggle and starve just to get to the bog standard that won’t get you weird looks in the gym. THEN the work begins. It’s like running a marathon to get to the place where you’re going for a walk with friends.

But I had an epiphany a little while ago on the touch field. Regular readers (hello to you three) will know the Mansfield Sasquatches are, by any objective measure known to science, the worst touch team in the entire world. Haphazard plays, wildly differing skill levels, no cohesion whatsoever- we’re the worst, and proud of it.

A lot of that is due to the chronic lack of fitness most of us suffer from. None of us are athletes, and while some of our players are fitter than others, none of us is going to be running a marathon any time soon. Or playing a full touch game, for that matter.

But I was thinking about it, as the opposition scored yet another try against us, that it would take constant, daily training and diet control to even get to the same level as the teams who were playing us, in the bottom rung mixed competition. It would require a concerted effort on our parts, dedication and training, to reach the bottom rung on the ladder of achievement in our chosen sport.

And that was oddly freeing. There are no expectations. There are no people waiting for us to perform. No one expects anything from us, and so we have nothing to lose, and everything to gain, just by taking the field every week.

So that’s the attitude I’m going to take forward into the next few months and beyond. Stop looking at the scales and just keep at it, and maybe by the time I look up I’ll be at the top of the mountain.

Seriously though, screw celery.

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