Transcript of a press conference featuring the scientific director of Copenhagen Zoo BENGT HOLST, regarding the killing of four lions at the facility.
HOLST – Ladies and gentlemen, first, may I read a statement and then you can ask questions. It has come to our attention that many are upset with the Zoo for killing a male lion, a female lion and their two lion cubs, especially so soon after we regrettably had to put down our beloved friend and giraffe Marius.
First of all, may I assure you that this was not done with any malice. It was in fact done with a heavy heart. I personally loved those lions. They were my friends. But when a beast becomes rabid you must do the hard thing and put them down. That is why I myself took up my fathers rifle and entered the…
(interjections from crowd)
Reporter 1 – Mr HOLST, we were told the Zoo had put the animals down to prevent inbreeding!
HOLST – (Looking darkly at assistant) Oh we went with that explanation again, did we? I see. Well then, yes, as strange as it might seem, we have put down two different species for the exact same reason (again glares at assistant, who shrinks back)
Reporter 2 – Mr HOLST, it sounds as if you’re making up reasons to kill animals in your Zoo.
HOLST- Nonsense! We have strict breeding programs in place, and if no other zoo can take the animals, then we must ki… er, euthanise them. Humanely. With no ceremonial spears whatsoever.
(A silence of around 7 seconds)
Multiple reporters – SPEARS?
HOLST – What about them?
Reporter 3 – You said “spears”.
Reporter 2 – Ceremonial ones.
HOLST – A slip of the tongue. I was thinking about something else.
Reporter 3 – Something else involving spears?
HOLST – Yes. Wait, no. No spears. At all. Forget I mentioned them.
Reporter 2 – Spears?
HOLST – Yes. I mean, no.
Reporter 4 – Mr HOLST, was there anything else you could have done besides killing the lions?
HOLST – Unfortunately, no. We have just received a new male lion, you see, and if we had let him loose in the pride the first thing he would have done would be to kill those lions.
Reporter 4 – Which you wanted to avoid?
HOLST – Obviously.
Reporter 4 – Why not sell the Lions?
HOLST – We have a strict policy not to sell to private collectors. They have much lower standards of care for animals than zoos do.
Reporter 4 – They might kill them, for instance?
HOLST – That’s possible.
Reporter 4 – With spears, for example?
HOLST – Yes, maybe. Who knows with these cowboys?
Reporter 1 – Mr HOLST, the zoo has already attracted international condemnation for killing a healthy giraffe…
HOLST (interjecting) There were no spears involved in that death either! Ceremonial or otherwise!
Reporter 1 – … yes Mr Holst I’m sure, but the point is, this zoo seems to be very cavalier about killing animals
HOLST – We are NOT cavalier! We select them with very specific criteria in mind. Plumpness, quality of meat.. (hurried whispering from HOLST’s assistant) er, genetic superfluousness, and so on.
Reporter 6- Mr HOLST, did you just say “quality of meat?” What did you mean by that?
HOLST – I have no idea. I haven’t been feeling very well.
Reporter 3 – Mr HOLST, Marius the giraffe was dissected in public and then fed to the lions, is this correct?
HOLST – Yes, of course.
Reporter 3 – These, specific lions, Mr HOLST?
HOLST – I don’t know what you mean.
Reporter 3 – I mean that instead of the giraffe meat being fed to all the lions, it was these four, the two adults and the two cubs, who were given the giraffe meat.
HOLST- Well, that’s possible, I certainly didn’t give specific orders to that effect, but if that’s how it worked out…
Reporter 3 – Mr HOLST, I have a memo sent to the lion attendants at the zoo, signed by you, which specifically states that those four lions were to receive giraffe meat, and no others.
HOLST – Where has that come from? Who gave you that?
Reporter 3- Mr HOLST, it goes on to say that the best “cuts” from the giraffe are to be saved “for the party later”
HOLST – This is outrageous! I demand…
Reporter 3 – Mr HOLST, are you eating your animals?
(numerous people shout at once)
Reporter 3 – Mr HOLST, I put it to you that you’re eating your animals, and sources tell us you believe you can claim their powers by doing so!
HOLST – Damn you! How else can I become the Animagus and save humanity from the Dark Lord than to consume avatars of the Ten Kings of the Animal Kingdom., who have also consumed each other? HOW ELSE? YOU FOOLS!
(Mr HOLST runs from the room making roaring noises. His assistant moves to the microphone)
Assistant – Um, that will be all for today. If you would like there are sandwiches on the side table. The hippopot.. er ham ones are very tasty.