I found potato dumplings in the supermarket the other day.

This is big news. I LOVE potato dumplings. They serve no purpose other than to suck up gravy and be delicious – and possibly glue up your insides as they’re pretty sticky. However, the immature child in me noticed something about the brand which caught me by surprise and had me giggling in the aisles.

Heh. Pfanni.

Now, after devouring these lovely balls of starchy goodness I decided to search the brand and see what I could find – specifically what other delectable treats they had awaiting me.

After trawling through a history of the company (none of which I could read) and various recipe ideas (again, can’t read German), I stumbled across an interesting fact: For cultural reason, the products are exported to North America as “Panni”.

You can’t fault them on this, it makes perfect sense since “fanny” in the US means “arse”. I know I don’t want to be thinking about arses and faeces while I’m chomping down on some gooey goodness. Looks like some quick local research has saved them some unfortunate embarrassment.

This of course begs the question: Why are they exporting a big pile of VAGINA to Australia? You can’t tell me their research didn’t turn up the fact that 60 million Poms, 20 million Aussies, 5 million Irish, 4 million Kiwis, and the English speaking portion of South Africa would all be thinking about female genitals, if they weren’t already, when they heard the word Pfanni. Bums are out, front bums are in!

I like to think they know exactly what it implies in the Commonwealth countries… and they’re okay with it. Arses are nothing but excrement-spewing stench-monsters, but vaginas; now that’s more in touch with the steamy, saucy goodness of kartoffelknodel. It’s what their German forefathers fought for.

That’s really all I wanted to share with you. A little bit of year-four humour to start the week. If over generalised stereotypes have taught me anything, and they have, it’s the German girls have massive boobs and German men keep poo where it belongs, in pornography.

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The Australian Government has last week announced a new, third-option for gender on their passports. It’s aimed at ending the discrimination of some groups and will be fast tracked through parliment. The change will take place in the comming months.

Charities and Support Groups have welcomed the moved, and have voiced their approval for the new legislation.

“This is a revolutionary step forward for Australia. I don’t there’s another country out there that has made this decision. The government should be commended for being at the forefront of political correctness,” said Mrs John Smith of the Salvation Army.

Fred Frederickson, Minister for Customs, Border Security and other Reality Tv Shows, was pleased for the community reaction to the proposal.

“I’m really proud of what we’re doing here. I’m proud of Australia. Really it makes sense. These people are writing this on their forms any way. It’s something they’re passionate about, and I’m happy to be embracing that.”

In a world exclusive, olilolo has been able to obtain a copy of the new forms, presented here for our dear readers:

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I’ve seen a lot of ‘magic’ tricks in my time, but this one is mind blowing.

Pete, in a sign of how hard he works at his post here at olilolo, has decided to release a book of his sketches called “Just another Violent Friday” which he’s going to launch at the local “Supanova Pop Culture (nerd) Expo”. It’s a lovely little number with violence inspired sketches he has drawn, primarily after his weekly meetings with Disco Stu.

A few days ago he put the call out to his few remaining friends to provide some quotes for the back cover.

Since I’m too lazy to write anything creative myself, and this was free material, I’ve decided to repost it here without anyone’s consent.

Enjoy!

Doyle’s Quotes

“I used to be an innocent catholic schoolgirl, but thanks to ‘Violent Fridays’ I’m now wanted in 4 countries. Thanks Mr Yong!”

“Great. Entertaining. Light hearted fun. These are all adjectives!”

“I picked up this book and next thing I know I was waking up in an ice bath. 4 stars!”

“I loved the Da Vinci Code.”

“It went through me like a Bondi tram”

“First I was afraid, I was petrified.”

“I haven’t been able to keep my hands off myself in weeks.”

“This book is as welcome in Brisbane today as a yellow-bellied black snake at a barbecue.”

“The girl’s happy.”
- R Hunt.

“Great binding. High quality paper! Two thumbs up.”

“It’s like gunshot wound to the face. Then having that wound reopened and rubbing salt into it. Then punching a small kid in the guts.”

“I’m now blinded in one eye!”

“Like a full body abortion… to the eyes.”

“This book killed my children.”

“Like heroin injected into your retinas.”

“If this book was a food, it would be a sickening slurry.”

“Even the smallest weakling will be hardened by this violence fest. I now wear dynamite pants and barbed wire shirts.”

“Banned in 5 countries. On the curriculum in 6.”

“This book stole my wallet.”

“No I won’t give you a quote for your stupid book.”

“Enthralling. I loved every word. The pictures? Not really my thing.”

“It has the fibre and nutrients to give my kids the start they need.”

“Violence in a book? Australia says yes.”

David’s Quotes

“Oh, God yes. Finally a book that caters to my love of violence and fridays; and my distaste for the written word.”

“To behold its magnificence, its glory and its splendour is to initiate a chain of orgasms that may never stop.”

“It’s a book!”

Bruce’s Quotes

“It made me spit tea out of my nose.”

“Oh no, Peter! What have you done!? Just awful. Peter.”
- M. Yong

“I’d rather read the Microsoft Windows licence agreement. Over and over again.”

“What an enchanting tale of a boy wizard, and the mischief and hijinks he gets up to with his friends at school. Two stars.”

“Well that’s four minutes of my life I’m never getting back.”

“Better than Danielle Steel’s Kaleidoscope.”

“Better than that time I snorted powdered milk.”

“Proof that there is no God.”

“A disturbing insight into the mind of a psychopath.”

“If I were a book, I would want this book to have my children.”

“Has a fruity, musky taste with undertones of smoke and cinnamon.”

“This book gave me an irrational fear of cats.”

I attended a daytime wedding on the weekend. Purely because my wife was in the bridal party and I had nothing else to do, I decided to note my various experiences for my lovely readers on my phone.

Enjoy the pointless ramblings, and savour the disjointed thoughts.

11.58am – Weddings. There’s something special about weddings. It drives women insane! Unfair, over simplified stereotype? Possibly, but it’s definitely true for my wife. I’ve never met anyone who gets so excited/frazzled over one day. Want an explanation reader? No. You give ME an explanation. Where are your pants? It’s irrelevant questions like this which ruin a nice day. I’m not wearing pants. What has that got to do with going to a wedding? Everything? Okay, Possibly.

12.04pm – Okay so now I’m in the toilet committing atrocities against mankind and his plumbing systems. It’s so hot. Quenching my thirst with beer is going badly. Maybe I should drink some water. No! A $4000 bar tab is there for a reason. It’s not for me to puss out on.

12.13pm – Still in the toilet. It’s cooler in here.

12.16pm – Okay I’ve met the people I’m sitting with. I know most of them, even if only vaguely. The plan: Smash back a heap of grog, make friends with everyone.

12.30pm – God dammit. Car talk. I got nothing. This was going so nicely. Why do guys have to talk about something so bloody boring? Sure I watch top gear, but that for the comedy aspects. Cars. They’re just bits of moving metal. Right. Change of subject, yes! What? Surfing? Shit I got nothing.

1.13pm – My son is slowly destroying his piece of wedding cake. He’s cushing it into the high chair table. I would have eaten the guys left overs. Selfish little bugger. Oh wait now he’s throwing it. Bits are going everywhere. He’s getting a laugh from everyone so he’s really going for it now. He’s enjoying the cake more than anyone else here.

1.18pm – One of the waitresses has come over quite cranky about the mess. She’s says she’s going to bring back a dust pan a broom for us to clean it up. There is fury in her eyes and infanticide in her heart. If looks could kill I’d be staked out in the Simpson Desert.

1.19pm – Heh. I think I’m one of those parents they talk about on A Current Affair.

1.21pm – Some guy has come to clean up the mess. He’s apologetic, and I think he talked her down. I suppose I should thank him for retaining my testicles.

1.58pm – I love drunk aunts. Stumbling. Cracking on to groomsmen half their age. Leaning forward, grabbing their chest and saying ‘show us your tits’ while in professional photos. That’s what dreams are made of.

2.06pm – Just found out the aunt is also the hairdresser for the bride and bridesmaids. She had a bottle and a half of wine before she started grabbing sharpened metal (scissors) and hacking at their heads. Fantastic.

2.10pm – I’ve just realised; I don’t seem to be drunk enough for this. I haven’t had my hand off a beer but still I feel fine. My stomach is so full of liquid, but it can’t seem to handle what I require of it. Everyone else seems plastered. What’s wrong with me? I’m fighting a losing battle.

2.24pm – What’s the opposite of mutton dressed as lamb, because I’m seeing it.

2.44pm – It’s so damn hot. I’m not moving from my table. Mission over. I don’t want to meet anyone new. This daytime wedding reception thing is weird. I’m not as drunk as I should be considering the amount I’ve had. I can’t explain it.

2.53pm – Jailbait! That’s the word.

3.12pm – Every time I see that waitress she looks like she’s going to stab me. I think she’d appreciate it if I asked her to take off her pants… Her grumpy pants! That’ll win her back.

3.32pm – I haven’t seen my son in hours. I suppose I should be worried. Two year olds can look after themselves right? I might start looking for him. I can see a fair from my chair. *drinks his beer*.

3.34pm – Wait. There he is with his cousin. I’ll call off the search party. *continues to drink his beer*.

3.42pm – The aunt has foisted herself onto the groom’s brother. He looks scared. He’s shaking his head. Okay now she’s putting lipstick on his mouth. I’m not sure what’s going on but it dripping with sexuality and potential man rape. You idiot! The lippy is drugged. You’re going to wake up tomorrow morning in her clutches.

3.43pm – Ding, ding. One ticket to crone-sex please. Grab a jar of Vaseline, because you’ll be up to your groin in sinew and bone.

4.00pm – And that’s it. We’re being kicked out. It’s 4 o’clock in the afternoon. I’m tired, I’m hot, I’m only half cut and I have a waitress who I think is about to follow me into the carpark and knife me. What a bizarre way to spend the afternoon.

4.01pm – Casino anyone?