olilolo blog

It was many a year ago when I first saw the mullet for what it is… a thing of beauty.

It was after school, and I was settling into the couch for my afternoon TV. The next show flicked on. ‘Married With Children’. I loved Married with Children as a kid. The father, Al Bundy, would sit around watching TV, insulting fat chicks and telling his wife who’s boss. A wife he refused to sleep with. For a 10 year old who believed in girl germs, it was comedic genius.

Of course the daughter was another matter… No amount of girl germs would have stopped me with her. One day as my eyes were fixed to Kelly, I spotted something at the corner of the screen. With much effort I tore my eyes from the blonde goddess and shifted my gaze to Bud, son of the family.

I cried.

Through my tears of bewilderment and joy, I stared at his hair. It was everything life was meant to be. Business in the front; party at the back. Enraptured, I let the tears stream down my face unashamedly. I did not know its name then, but I knew it was the hair for me.

Years passed and the mullet slipped from fashion, sported only by the most hardcore of fans. These pockets of society kept the traditions alive. Woodridge, Inala, Redfern; areas a cold neck, such as myself, could sadly not enter.

Then around the year 2000 a change came. It swept across the globe. Pandemonium filled the streets. Mullet-mania. Everyone was talking mullets. Something reawakened in me then. A crazed lust for the plumage which had been denied to me for so long. I grew my hair for 2 years, and then threw the first ever “Mullet Warming Party” and cut the sides and front of my hair into perfection.

My beautifully flowing mane.

Once the roots of my hair sunk deep within my skull it took full control. Stu could not escape my wrath.

Courtney’s reaction.

Sadly, my then girlfriend intervened and threatened a lack of sex for a mulleted Doyle… and I really like sex. Love sex… more than even my mullet.

After it was cut off I fled into the corner of the house and wept. Something had left me that day. I became different. Madness swept into my soul and took hold of me. Instead I became a hunter. A mullet hunter.

Myself and Strangely Brown would stalk mullets in shopping centres, flea markets, where they tried to hide. Our goal was to capture these beautiful creatures… on film.

We were chased. Yelled at. We drove one poor guy to change jobs.

Seriously, we called him Business Mullet. His mullet was beautifully styled, and he walked around in a suit. He worked in the jeweler, but for some reason used to spend a lot of his time outside the shop walking around the centre… and naturally we used to follow him. We would stalk him and when he was distracted we’d try to walk past quickly take a photo and run. He was a wily creature. Dispite all our efforts none of the photos turned out.

Artists impression of Business Mullet

One day though, he just disappeared. We watched. We waited. He just never came again. It was many years later I saw him at a neighbouring shopping centre working in another store. His hair was shorter, his face was full fo grief… and his eyes were full of fear when he spotted me. I felt a little sorry then… sorry I didn’t have my camera.

Those days are over now, though. The fever-dream that was my mullet hunting life came to end after only around a year of wasted youth. I passed the torch to the next generation of hunters.

So why am I writing about a topic that would have been a lot more relevent 4 years ago? Well it seems that lifestyle is under threat.

The Victorian Government has declared war on the Mullet.

At first it was just discrimination - Cop quits Police Association over Mullet - mullet’s forced into hiding. Then headlines such as “Mullet showdown with police” started popping up across newspapers everywhere and it was open warfare.

The police blame the hair for all sorts of social problems, especially corruption. They are banning anyone from sporting the look and imprisioning anyone who remains a mullet.

I am here to make a public plea. Zero tolerence is not the answer here. We can safely wear mullets in the privacy of our own homes. First it was our drinks, now it’s our hairstyles… we can’t keep locking away everything that may harm us. We just need better education. Teach people to do the right thing, and help those who have taken their mullet too far. That is why I am here to relaunch my personal, 2003 initiative (and doesn’t it look it), “Mullets Anonymous“.

The first step is to admit you have a problem.

We looked up the other day and noticed people were reading the site. This is a strange and new experience  for us, and we were quite confused as to what we should be doing. Perhaps a dance of some kind?

It was suggested to us that maybe updating the look of the site from the default template that came with the WordPress software would go a long way towards making us look like we actually had a clue what we were doing.

So, Bruce and Doyle set to work. Having slaved all day and accumulating several broken windows and a cat who will never walk the same again, we have a new theme for olilolo. Isn’t it nice? Doesn’t it set off our eyes?

Even the behind the scenes stuff has been all changed around. The new posting window, for example, now sings Ave Maria in the voice of Harry Secombe. It’s an interesting feature, but I can see it getting old quickly.

Anyway, we were wondering what you thought. Has this been a good move, or do you fear change, and has this small disruption to your daily shedule caused you to cower under the bed in trembling terror?

Late in the dark recesses of Thursday night, the site disappeared.

Bam. Gone. Nothing there. No files, no folders, no ones, no zeroes. Just a big fat zero of emptiness where the site should be.

Something you may not know is that what you can see and click on at the moment here at olilolo is just the tip of the iceberg, metaphorically speaking, of what is actually contained on our server. There’s actually a bunch of stuff hidden behind the scenes, site notes and test-templates and half-written articles and basically what amounts to about three years worth of (admittedly half0arsed) work by the five olilolo members.

That was all gone. Clothes were rent, teeth were gnashed, accusations were laid. By common consensus, Bruce was held personally responsible. Reluctantly, we realised it couldn’t possibly be his fault, and lowered him from over the spike pit.

Eventually, we found out our server company had been doing a move, and had transferred our files across to a new server…except they hadn’t got there. To add insult to hideous injury, they told us, live over the phone that yes, there were service people there right now who could fix the problem, but they wouldn’t, because our hosting plan doesn’t cover weekend service. We are currently looking for a new server company. If you know of one, let us know!

However, soon after, Bruce did some digging. All the files still existed, they just weren’t…available. I don’t know, he said some computery stuff and I tuned out for a bit. He seemed happy, so I let him talk for a while. When he finished and asked me if I was okay, I asked him if we could get everything back and he said we could. And we did. Sometime this afternoon, everything just started…working again. Well, most of it. There’s still a few holes that we hope are just server problems that will be sorted out once the move is finalised. But otherwise we’re back in business.

Well, if your business is crapping out a few lame blog posts a month and tinkering with a site you’re secretly sure will never get off the ground…

We’ve been having a bit of a spamvasion lately, with hundreds of posts hitting the comments section of the blog in the space of an hour, in cases. Right now I’m about to delete 93 comments from the board, and that’s just the ones that were caught by the spam filter.

I only mention this really, really boring technical aspect of olilolo because some of the subject lines these spambots are using are hilarious. They actually get around our spam filters by saying something like “Nice site! Thanks!” and then including the spam link in their username. It’s a very weird feeling deleting comment after comment praising your work.

Anyway, sometimes things line up, and what is already kind of amusing becomes really funny. Probably only to me, but as you’re all figments of my imagination, that’s okay.

I logged into the admin window today to be confronted with this-

Comments in moderation- 93

1- free big cock movie samples on Doyle Joins Another Internet Craze

Well, I found it funny.

Awww, isn’t that cute. We just had our first hacker. It’s sweet. really.

It’s sweet that you’re a fifteen year old douchebag who gets beaten up at school and laughed at by girls, and who takes revenge on the world by hacking websites in your spare time when you’re not at school or asleep.

It’s even cuter if you’re one of those “old-school” hackers, which would make you about 35 and living in your parent’s basement. Good luck with the world anarchy plan, man.

We got done by someone calling themselves “admin-horror”. The said “admin horror” which I’m assuming their handle refers to took around five minuted to clear up. So well done on that score ad, if I can call you ad. You prefer “horror”? Well, I prefer “dickhead”. So let’s go with that.

If we ever do find you, dickhead, I will be administering a few kicks to the balls. That’s a real threat, by the way. If, one day, I find out you are “admin-horror” I will kick you in the balls, no questions asked. I am deadly serious. You bring frustration and annoyance into the world daily and your very existence makes the world slightly less good.
This means I add you to the List of People I Will Kick in the Balls Immediately Upon Being Introduced To Them, an unweildy-named list, whose acronym, LoPIWKitBIUBITT, is both ugly and painful. Like a kick to the sack. So I like it and it fits. It’s possible you may have your own, but my version of the list includes

• People who own spam companies
• People who work for Spam companies
• Extreme Racists (there’s so much minor racism in my life that I need the qualifier “extreme” there, and believe me, there will be a post about that soon)
• Fred Durst
• Hackers
• Dickhead (Admin-Horror) (just added)

Telemarketers actually don’t score a mention, because while they are annoying, Yongas was a telemarketer for a while. And the kick in the balls policy doesn’t have a time limit. It applys every time you see that person.

Hey, I don’t make the rules, people!

This would mean every party, gathering, social situation or, indeed, olilolo meeting, Yongas would score a kick in the nuts from me. And since I tend to vomit on Yongas at nearly all of those functions, I think a kick in the balls would really be adding injury-to-puke-stained-shirt.

Edit by Doyle

This is the result of the hacking (as demonstrated on some other poor bastards website). Thank you Ben for the link.

Dammit!

I had been thinking about it too. I was gonna post something good on Sunday 31st April. Instead I went to Yongas house and watched bad movies. So I guess you all just miss out then, don’t you?

1 year of our pitiful lives, and all of our substandard creativity has resulted in: “There are currently 190 posts and 511 comments, contained within 11 categories“.

Not a bad effort all round. Give yourselves a pat on the back… and a slap across the face. Wake up to yourselves!

Congrats everyone, and thanks to those avid readers who never post comments partake of the small amount of entertainment we regularly dish out to the begging masses. Without you we would be nothing. Without us you would be nothing.

The automatic blogging system will allow us to provide you with a more
‘interactive’ level of service, allowing blog posting from remote and
inhospitable locations.

Of course, no-one will probably actually use this feature - do
you know just how HARD it is to type an entire blog post on a mobile
phone? Cutworthy is certainly an understatement.

If any of the olilolo.com co-writers are interested in making use of
this sparkling new feature, they are urged to contact me (Bruce) at
their convenience.

No, no, we’re not closing down or anything. Olilolo isn’t going anywhere.

Look, come down from there, you’ll hurt yourself. Are you alright? Here, have a glass of water. There, that’s better, isn’t it? God, you can be so melodramatic sometimes. What? No. No we’re not merging with a reptilian attack ship. That’s a stupid question and you’re a fool to have asked it.

It’s a stupid question because…well, good point, I suppose if the money were right…

Oh come down from there! Ah, forget him, he’s only a mediocre literary device anyway.

What I wanted to talk about today is The End of an Era. Namely: as of today, all the members of olilolo have full-time jobs. I will take questions from the gallery…

…

…

What job did you…?
WAIT FOR IT!!!

…

…

…

This is getting really…
SHUT UP!! I’LL EAT YOUR EYES!!!

…

…

…

…

…

…now. *beautific smile*

…

…

…

…look it’s alright now. I’ve given the word, you can all ask me questions.

…

…*cricket chirp*

…

…

…faaaart

…

Oh for god’s sake I’ll do it myself.

So what job did you get?
I am now the proud employee of an FM radio station, who, like B–s before it, I will never, EVER mention in full on a public internet Blog.

Oh go on!
No

So what do you do there?
I’m the new journalist for their hourly bulletins. I’ll be assisting the resident journo there, and eventually I’ll be reading the bulletins on-air.

Cool.
Thank you. But that’s not a question. If we actually had or gave a shit about Jeopardy in Australia then I could make a perfectly good joke there.

So what about the others? I’ve forgotten what they all do, and I have a morbid curiosity about the lives of strangers I know over the internet.
Brother, have YOU come to the right place! Doyle is the warehouse manager for a pharmaceuticals company, Bruce is assistant manager at an electronics store, Ben is in the Army, and Yongas, our newest, cuddliest member, works for a game design company.

So what does this mean for olilolo? Are we going to see the same high standard of content we’ve come to expect from the web’s finest information resource?
That’s an excellent question, Audience Plant No. 5. What it means is that there will probably be no change whatsoever. Let’s face it, I post pretty intermittently on this blog as it is, and as far as the Velour Asylum goes, it hasn’t changed since I first spastically vomited it onto the server, complete with one half-arsed article and eye-bleeding formatting. Basically, you can expect the same standard of mediocrity olilolo has become famous for.

How do you define “famous”
Being read by the five of us, some of our friends and family, and a guy I met on the net whose brother is going out with Doyle’s sister. Why? How do YOU define “famous”?

So how has this affected your social lives?
What social lives? We’re bloggers.

What was the other olilolo members’ reactions when they heard the news?
There were some strong words. Doyle disowned me for the second time that day, the first being when I ate a Kit Kat by just biting into it instead of breaking it first. Apparently that’s “just not done” in the Doyle household. Yongas responded by grabbing me by both ears and letting fly with a stream of vomit and bile, drenching my head in his stomach contents. I thought he took it rather well. Bruce tore his shirt and proclaimed that I was dead to him, before screaming manaically and rubbing himself against my leg, so no change there. And I haven’t seen Ben in weeks, we’ve been using a bot to randomly post things from him to keep his relatives from finding out the truth.

So what are the future plans for olilolo then?
We may update the site if or when we ever have another group meeting; the planets Venus, Mars and Jupiter align at perfect right angles; or a virgin is born in a week with two Mondays. Whichever happens first. Rest assured we have big plans, and, if we can ever be arsed to get around to doing them, it’s gonna rock!

Do you feel a tiny bit sad answering your own questions here?
The floor does not recognise the subconscious sense of shame.

Can you give us any details on future plans? Like the rumour that you’ll be broadcasting live the torture of a small asi….

BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! clickclickclick

Any furthur questions?

No? Well then, that’s it from me. May I just say that this is truly the end of an era. Five guys who went through school together, maintaining bonds of friendship even across great distances, having fun and generally acting silly, that has all, if not come to an end, then at least been severely curbed. Still, we’ve stuck together through all that’s come before, I think we’ll weather this too.

One final question-don’t you think it’s a bit egotistical to make out like your getting a job is such a momentous event? I mean, isn’t that a tad self-absorbed? Couldn’t you ha..

BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick

pant pant

clickclick

pant pant *reload*

BANG BANG BANG…..

Due to the fact that our old webhosting company which, while cheap, turned out to be dodgy, we decided to change companies (this was the afore-mentioned “maintenance”). We are now with alternetive.net.au, and they seem to be pretty reasonable.

Everything seems to have transferred across OK, but if you see any problems or anomalies, please inform the management. We have some plans in the pipeline for updates to the site, but knowing us, that could take a while. However, thanks to the good efforts of Doyle, the shop should be up soon.

Just to let you know, the site and blog might be unavailable to some over the course of the next couple of days, as we perform some much-needed maintenance.

For those who post to the blog, please do so, but save a copy of all subsequent posts locally (on your computer), to make it easier to re-post in case we lose the new stuff. This also goes for the forum.

Please don’t perform any website maintenance in this time, to prevent versioning inconsistencies.

Cheers, bros.