The Mansfield Sasquatches, lead out by their courageous and downright dashing captain Doyle, took the field Wednesday night for what was the first game of their 11th season playing Touch Football.

Analysts have speculated that this would be another season of disappointment for the fan-favourites with one commentator going so far as to question their skill level at the sport they’ve been playing for so long.

“They’re fucking incompetent.”

With a heavy gut and a diseased heart the Mansfield Sasquatches took the field for their 11th consecutive Touch Football season on Wednesday night; but fate was to play a cruel fate-filled joke on them that fateful night of fate.

Their opposition was their ancient enemy Touchwood, renamed “Southern Star” in an attempt to confuse the homo-sasquids.

Their Previous Encounter – Wednesday, 16th February 2011

The last game between these two Touch Football heavyweights (one for being highly skilled, one for just being heavy) had been the last game of the previous season – the last game either side had played.

. Above: The Norwegian Nobel Institute in Oslo After the ‘raging success’ of the 2009 Noble Peace Prize, the Noble Institute has announced it’s 2010 candidate for the award: Govenor Arnold Schwarzenegger, as a ‘dual-continental citizen, steadfast polititian and defender of peace’. International observers and critics have been baffled by this news, which will make Mr Schwarzenegger the second controversial...

Scientists at CERN were left nonplussed over the weekend after the Large Hadron Collider, the massive particle accelerator built beneath Switzerland, failed to destroy the world. “CURSES!” said CERN head Professor Dick Killington. “The Device is not performing as expected!” “You have failed me for the last time!” he added, this directed at a random underling in the control room, who fell to the ground,...

Microsoft today announced they would be scrapping a key customer complaints division set up over a decade ago.

The department was initially set up as a general-purpose support centre, but was quickly repurposed to another task: dealing with the expected high volume of digital error reports sent by Microsoft’s automated reporting feature built into Windows.

A common sight for most Windows users.

However, instead of the flood of reports to be taken care of, the centre staff were met with quite the opposite.

Breaking News: When it comes to contraception, people are retarded! A survey of 1000 women has found that there is a lot of confusion about what constitutes contraception. Apparently the pill and a pack of frangers is a hard concept to grasp, and many other miscellaneous items are being substituted for these tried and true methods. Items being used as oral contraceptives include potato chips, cola and most surprisingly donner-kebabs....