The Mansfield Sasquatches have surprised critics and fans alike by actually not losing too badly to The Moreton Crew 9-3

The Sasquatches were weak and unfit following a several week hiatus due to Christmas/ New Year break and several byes falling at once.

Well, weaker and more unfit than normal.

They had actually been scheduled to appear last week, however the torrential rain which had been falling for several weeks at that stage put a dampener on preparations and the game was called off, leaving the Sasquatches gasping with relief; literally in many cases, the act of being relieved proving too much for their delicate constitutions.

There were allegations in the lead-up to that match that a local shaman had been seen performing a rain dance, egged on by Sasquatch players and officials, however this turned out merely to be a homeless man whom they paid a meager sum to dance for their amusement.

So it was with a tentative sense of impending doom that the team assembled in the surprisingly balmy conditions at the White’s Hill Field to play the enigmatic Moreton Crew.

Little is known about these elusive beasts, except they gave the Sassies a sound thrashing on all previous occasions they’ve tussled, or even tangled.

Not to mention they often beat them at touch football.

That however didn’t stop the Sassies from going into the game with a blind sense of optimism born of forgetfulness.

To the surprise of just about everyone the Sassies were actually almost justified in this enthusiasm, breaking through the Crew’s line of defense in the very first play after the kickoff siren, Young Gun Lachlan crossing for the first try of the night, and his 1264th of the season.

The Sassies, stunned, wandered back into positions, glibly noting that maybe tonight was the night.

Of course, it wasn’t. The Crew set the universe to rights the very next play, mirroring the Sassies’ previous try almost to the player; so much so, some of the girls aping male Sassy players spontaneously sprouted thick, full beards.

Meantime on the sidelines, a show all of its own was developing.

Young Gun Lachlan’s brother, friend of olilolo and purveyor of fine websites David “Mauso” Ryan was in attendance.

In fact he was the only spectator to the match, the Sassies other so-called “loyal” fans not even bothering to show up to the scratch match which the Sassies were going to lose anyway.

Deciding to make up for this depressing lack of devotion, Mauso set himself up as a one-man cheer squad, bellowing with all the might his little lungs could muster, inspiring a reaction nearly as profound as the now famous Sasquatch Yell.

Meanwhile back on the field, the game was going about as well as could be expected. The Saquatches’ female players put in a massive effort, as the bare minimum of three had shown up, and thus could not be subbed for the entire game.

However all rose to it beautifully, no thanks to the male Sasquatch players, who took regular breaks, often commenting to the girls as they strutted of the field “I’m not even tired! But I think someone else should have a run” and “Boy am I looking forward to a nice rest! Wooo!”

There were moments of brilliance cut short many times from the Sasquatches, who actually pulled themselves together to mount a credible opposition to the Crew.

Playmaker Ory again combined with Young Gun Lachlan and on occasion Danger Man Yongas to produce brilliant plays which were always let down in the final stages.

This was in contrast to the plays initiated by Heart-and-Soul Stu, who mostly took any plays he started out the back and shot them in the face.

However the breakthrough came midway through the second half when Utility Jason received the ball from another Ory play, this time finding a gap down the left hand side and scoring in a brilliant bait and switch manoever. Seriously.

As Captain Doyle commented, “That’s the try of the season!”

“That’s pretty sad, actually,” he continued, on reflection.

That try and another from Lachlan weren’t enough to hold off the Crew, who crossed a surprisingly light nine times over the course of the match.

Overall the Sassies were genuinely happy with their performance; anyone who had bet on them to win however was sorely disappointed.

With only one game to go of the “regular” season, the Sassies are looking to the future.

There are several player movements expected, with Michelle, Dani and Bruce all moving on.

All mention of these players will be stricken from official Sasquatch records, and the utterance of their names declared a High Crime.

In a surprise move, David “Mauso” Ryan may make the jump from captain and sole member of the cheer squad to fully fledged Sasquatch, marking the first time this has happened since Brian “Sassypants” Horton made the jump for the local shuttlecock side.

At this stage there is some confusion about whether there will actually be a game next week, with scheduling conflicts expected with the start of the BMTA season, otherwise known as the “actual” competition, with “athletes and sportsmen” instead of “a motley collection of geeks, IT specialists and people who talk for a living”.

However the Sasquatches guaranteed fans there would be some sort of match, saying they will play with themselves if necessary.

No one was surprised.

Competition: BMTA – Mixed 4
Date: 9.20pm. Wednesday 13th February 2008
Venue: Whites Hill Reserve – Field 3
Crowd Size: David “Mauso” Ryan, cheering his little heart out
Mansfield Sasquatch Players: Doyle, Courtney, Stuart, Bruce, Yongas, Kristen, Lachlan, Jace, Ory
Tries: Lachlan x 2 Jason x 1
Man of the Match: Jason, for easily the try of the season, regardless of its poor competition.

The Mansfield Sasquatches are wondering what the fuck they have to do to win a game this season, going down 11-3 to Abuzz Lightyear.

Despite the misleading name there was more than one of them. An entire team, in fact. Although not for the starting whistle, with most teams sending a token force to keep the Sassies in check while they leisurely finish what they’re doing, stretch, have a bit of a chinwag, and then meander down to where the game is being played.

The Sassies, meanwhile, will be dripping sweat in the late-year evening humidity, faces bunched in concentration as they watch the opposition players move the ball around the field like a passerby watching a three-card-monty scammer flipping his cards around.

The Sasquatches never find the ace.

And they failed once again to find it this week, despite actually putting in one of the best performances of the season.

From the start the Sassies were determined to take the game seriously, even if the other team wasn’t. Set and determined, they ran up in defence as Lightyear went on the attack.

Lightyear scored between where the posts would be, if there were posts in this game. There aren’t. But that’s where they scored.

The Sassies were entirely without fault as they ran the ball, made plays, even scored tries and prevented Lightyear from scoring.

The Sassies meanwhile were robbed several times of tries at the last minute either by Striker Jacqui forgetting where the field of play ended, or Playmaker Ory being touched by a whisker despite a glorious suicidal dive into the corner that broke every bone in her body. She walked it off.

Team trainer Mulligan “Facebook” Clancy told the Bugle they’re considering sacrificing to a god to win the game next week.

“The trouble is, your average sacrifice, well, it’s a bit tricky,” said Clancy. “I mean, what god are you going to sacrifice TO, eh? You tell me that!”

“Not to mention, when you finally pick a god, you have to choose what you’re going to sacrifice to gain his favour. For my mind, we can skip all that pig or suckling calf nonsense and go straight to human. It were good enough for the Aztecs, and look at them today!”

The Sasquatches are currently advertising the position of “Personal Assistant Not Sacrifice”, all interested parties should contact Mad “Dog” Guinness when he’s not asleep.

Competition: BMTA – Mixed 4
Date: 6.00pm. Wednesday 5th December 2007
Venue: Whites Hill Reserve – Field 3
Crowd Size: 6 Amy and sassie baby, Mrs Doyle, Mrs Ryan, Small Ryan child
Mansfield Sasquatch Players: Doyle, Courtney, Stuart, Bruce, Yongas, Kristen, Lachlan, Jace, Jacqui, Dani, Ory
Tries: Lachlan x 3
Man of the Match: Ory, for the most tries without actually scoring anything.

The Saquatches are in tatters following a brutal and demoralising match against the Postman Pats, going down 8-2.

The Sassies were primed and ready to regain some pride after a string of losses in recent weeks.

They’d been on a special diet of bran flakes and prunes, devised by team doctor Glorious Cartwright (who was the bearer of the “dokter” shirt this week).

This special regimen was apparently designed to “purge the Sassie’s unique digestive systems” and it certainly showed results, if by “results” you mean “everything covered in runny excrement”.

Surprisingly, the much lighter Sasquatch players reportedly did feel better for the most part, even if most of them were walking bow-legged. However heading into the match the team looked shaky.

Playmaker Ory was nowhere to be seen. Reports put her at several locations, which this reporter chooses to interpret as meaning she now exists in an undefined quantum state which can only be broken if someone observes her. Possibly. It’s possible she might dissolve into her component atoms.

Team officials hope this doesn’t happen, as component atoms are prevented from playing in touch leagues according to the 1997 “Ridiculous” amendments to the by-laws.

The remainder of the Sassies were in attendance for the game, feeling purged and ready to play.

A brief spark of hope was kindled when it was reported shortly before play began that the Pats were unable to field a full team, choosing to keep two of their players on the sidelines and play with the bare allowed minimum of four players on the field.

The Sasquatches were unsportingly ecstatic. Surely this would be the game, finally after so many weeks of going up against foes much more skilled and athletic than themselves, surely this was the game where they could metaphorically beat up the smaller kid and take his lunch money?

The Pats scored within 30 seconds of the starting siren.

This reporter would like to reiterate that fact for the reader’s edification, in all caps and bold, for clarity.

THE PATS SCORED WITHIN 30 SECONDS, WITH ONLY FOUR PLAYERS ON THE FIELD.

HOLY SHIT.

Ahem. The match then became a slightly surreal experience as the Pats ran in try after try past the bewildered Sassies defensive line.

The Sassies, meanwhile, failed to make use of their two-man advantage, frequently passing the ball short and attacking the centre while failing to utilise cutout passes or flanking maneuvers.

One such victim of this unusual phenomenon was New Girl Michelle, who attempted to dodge around a Pat defender only to discover her leg was quite fine where it was, thank you.The hideous snapping crunch of her ankle twisting caused shock and revulsion in even the most hardened scat fetishists.

The team dokter told her to “walk it off”, however an actual doctor was in the crowd, and managed to subdue Glorious and administer first aid.

Michelle’s status for next week’s game is currently unknown, but the crippling ankle injury may slow her down a bit in attack.

The other Sassie casualty was Danger Man Yongas, who had a nasty collision late in the first half with a Pat player. Again, the sickening snap brought spectators and players running, however Pete was just winded and play soon resumed.

He later made a heroic effort for the Sassies, coming back from injury to practically single-handedly get around the Pat defensive line and score the first of the Sassie’s two tries.

Unfortunately, his amazing effort was almost completely undermined by the simple fact that he was facing two less defenders than he would have been had the Pats actually bothered to field a full team.

In hindsight, you can hardly blame them, as it clearly wasn’t necessary.

The Sassie’s other try was scored by Utility Jason, who blazed through the Pat’s defensive line off a pass from Young Gun Lachlan; but again- four players.

In the aftermath of the game, a team meeting was held to analyse where the game went bad for the Sassies.

A suggestion of “turning up” was stricken from the official records.

Several possible causes were mooted, including a lack of cohesion in defence and attack; the benefit of a smaller but well-skilled team attacking a numerically superior but basically inept one; and the old favourite that God is a Pats fan.

Eventually the consensus reached was that the Sassies had too many players, and therefore they will next week field a team of just one- Mikayla.

It is thought that the other team might be lulled into a false sense of security by her cuteness, not to mention she has a better passing-game than most of the actual Sasquatches.

Competition: BMTA – Mixed 4
Date: 6.00pm. Wednesday 28th November 2007
Venue: Whites Hill Reserve – Field 2
Crowd Size: 3 Amy and sassie baby, Mrs Doyle
Mansfield Sasquatch Players: Doyle, Courtney, Stuart, Bruce, Yongas, Kristen, Lachlan, Jace, Jacqui, Michelle, Dani.
Tries: Jason x 1 Yongas x 1
Man of the Match: Yongas for his remarkable try in spite of the blood pooling in his abdomen.

The Mansfield Sasquatches were defeated 13-3 in a painfully predictable game of touch by What’s It Wurth, facing the might of the Sassies for the second time this season.

The predictable nature of the game was evident on arrival, as everyone took their usual positions, spoke the regular niceties, and donned familiar playing gear.

A strange sense of deja-vu had settled over proceedings by the time the Sassies actually took the field (in the accustomed fashion).

Predictably, a try was scored by the Wurth crew within minutes.

Shortly following this, another.

The steady progression of tries became such a given that a small betting ring sprung up on the sidelines as to whether the next try would fall on an odd or even minute.

It was an odd. Then an even. Then an odd.

At one point in the match a spectator leapt to his feet and proclaimed he could tell all the moves that would be played on the field that game.

He began listing plays off several seconds before they happened. He was unerringly accurate.

Sasquatches officials quickly bundled the man into the control booth to feed plays to the Sassie’s temporary coach, 6 month old former Sassies mascot Mikayla.

Eventually the man began listing lotto numbers, despite repeated attempts to get him to focus on the game.

This reporter thought to write them down, however man began including numbers like pi, i, and several he had clearly made up on the spot, for example “schwenty”, and “schwenty-two”.

When he began telling the assembled members the date they would die and the manner of their death, he was burbled out of the control booth.

The Sassies claim the now have an opening for a soothsayer, must bring own pointy hat.

In the meantime, the Sassies managed to score three tries, none of which were predicted.

Competition: BMTA – Mixed 4
Date: 6.00pm. Wednesday 21st November 2007
Venue: Whites Hill Reserve – Field 5
Crowd Size: 0 (Amy and sassie baby, being coaching staff this game, don’t count)
Mansfield Sasquatch Players: Doyle, Courtney, Stuart, Bruce, Kristen, Lachlan, Jace, Ory, Jacqui, Michelle, Dani.
Tries:Lachlan x 3
Man of the Match: A triumphant return of super-ref Angus McTavish makes him the inevitable winner. We missed you Angus!

The Mansfield Sasquatches found peace on Wednesday, despite losing to old foes The Loose Cannons 14 – 1.

The game started relatively late at 8:30, giving the Sasquatches plenty of time to meditate before the start of play.

Meditation is a new team morale builder introduced by trainers in an effort to control Sassy players, who would often fly into a berserker rage when on the field.

This rage would very rarely have an affect on the scoreline; rather the players would run into nearby bushes screaming and swatting at invisible spiders.

In an effort to get the team to go a whole match without a psychotic episode, meditation was introduced to calm the players, centre them, and allow them to concentrate on the game.

Two out of three aint bad.

Nearly every player immediately achieved a nirvana-like state after entering the trance. Mystics are currently baffled at how a group of hairy footballers could have achieved a state the most senior yogis have tries their entire lives to achieve.

However there is no denying that is what happened, as the players serenely took the field and waited calmly for play to start.

The game itself was a typical affair, with the Cannons running rings around the hapless Sassies, and yet they were smiling throughout the affair.

At one point, Young Gun Lachlan achieved transcendence, teleporting from one end of the field to the other on sheer willpower, and scoring the Sassies’ sole try of the match.

All in all it was an interesting game which left everyone feeling quite peaceful. So peaceful they had to take the Bugle expense card and fly to Thailand for a week.

Purely for spiritual reasons.

Competition: BMTA – Mixed 4
Date: 8.30pm. Wednesday 14th November 2007
Venue: Whites Hill Reserve – Field 3
Crowd Size: 2 (Amy and Sassie baby, neither of whom indulged in transcendence)
Mansfield Sasquatch Players: Doyle, Courtney, Stuart, Peter, Kristen, Lachlan, Michelle, Dani, Ory, Bruce
Tries: Lachlan x 1
Man of the Match: Bhudda, lord of Karma

League ethics investigators and disciplinary committees are already combing through footage of the match on Wednesday between the Mansfield Sasquatches and The Young Guns.

The match resulted in a scoreline of 10-5 to the Guns, which is now being closely scrutinised. Not the fact the Sassies lost. That is, by now, a long and proud tradition of the club. But rather, the sudden deflection of a key Sassie tactical player…to the other side.

Ringer Nathan, the Sassie’s star recruit this season, found himself donning another teams colours; the Guns’.

It seems in an eleventh hour back-room deal, the Guns have managed to lure the star Sassie recruit away from the club that made him who he is today.

Nathan was unavailable for comment, but it’s understood he has removed all of the compulsory body hair transplants given to him when he joined the Sassies, making a comeback to the Navy-and-Fluoro-Orange jumper unlikely.

Sassies management also gave no comment, but are reportedly mastabatory with rage at the deflection.

And with the game that resulted on the night, it is easy to see why.

There was controversy early with the deflection news hitting the team hard in the pre-game warm up. Several players refused to show up for the match, saying they felt “bruised and betrayed” bu the actions of their team-mate.

Then, just before the starting siren, the Sassies accused the Guns of fielding seven players. However the Guns seemed merely confused about this, and it was discovered that the “seventh player” was actually a small child that had wandered onto the field.

Match officials sacrificed the boy to the Touch-Football Gods, in accordance with league by-laws.

Once the screams had died down, the match got underway in earnest.

The Sassies tried to assert their dominance early, taking the ball to the Guns. However this was where their play broke down, as they then effectively handed the ball over, a charitable, if counter-productive measure.

Once the Guns had the ball, it was try-time at the all-you-can-score buffet.

However with the firsthalf almost over, a sudden shining light of hope arrived in the form of Playmaker Ory, who’d been absent for the last few weeks after injuries sustained in a particularly energetic bout of lovemaking.

Ory’s arrival sent a charge of electricity through the Sassies, and not just from their team-issued control collars. With such solid leadership once again, could the Sassies take the lead and win the game?

No. No, they couldn’t.

In a valiant effort, Playmaker Ory and Young G… Sassie Lachlan combined to produce some of their old magic, running in three tries.

However it wasn’t enough to stop the smorgasboard of tries from the Guns, and the scoreline reflected the lopsided nature of the match.

After the game the Sassies paused and reflected on what went wrong. It was felt by all that the deflection of Nathan was the key to their downfall.

One junior handler suggested lack of athletic ability and any sort of ball skills might be more to blame, but he was quickly beaten into silence.

Therefore it was agreed by players and handlers that a recruitment drive would be started up to poach players from other teams.

At press time there have been several mysterious disappearances from other team’s ranks, however this reporter does not wish to speculate how these might have occurred for fear of getting mauled.

Competition: BMTA – Mixed 4
Date: 6.00pm. Wednesday 31st October 2007
Venue: Whites Hill Reserve – Field 3
Crowd Size: 4 (Joel, Mrs Doyle, Mrs Ryan and Lachlan’s brother diligently recording events for posterity)
Mansfield Sasquatch Players: Doyle, Courtney, Stuart, Peter, Kristen, Lachlan, Jacqui, Michelle, Dani, Ory, Nick
Tries: Lachlan x 3, Jacqui x 1 and Nick x 1
Man of the Match: Lachlan, for another try-scoring extravaganza

Tempers flared and violence ensued as the Sasquatches were ingloriously beaten by The Moreton Crew 8-3.

It was an emotional and vitriolic match, with both sides taking heavy losses. The field ran red with the blood of the innocent, and the air was heavy with the screams of the dying.

Also, there was some dispute of the on-side rules.

The game was another late-starter, and the Sasquatch management decided to give a pep-talk before the match.

Team President Jon Magillicutty Senior Jnr decided that the best way to do this was to pick out several players and beat them savagely as an example to the others.

The effect was mixed, with some Sassies vomiting in disgust, while others cheered and vomited happily.

Having done this, it was time for the match.

The Crew (of what ship it was never determined) immediately stated their dominance by scoring a try. They then turned around and blatantly congratulated one another.

The Sassies fumed.

The resentment grew as the Crew began running in several tries, most unanswered. They also managed to figure out the Sassies key tactic of “Pass the Ball to Lachlan” and were marking the Young Gun mercilessly. In a completely good natured way.

Several times the Crew were heard to be shouting cries of encouragement to their fellow players, a move which left the Sassies even angrier. What kind of underhanded play was this?

The Sasquatches, used to regular dressing-downs and strategic beatings, were confused and shocked.

But then came the final straw. Heart-and-Soul Stu came running up in defensive line to touch a Crew attacker, only to be told he was off-side.

A melee ensued, drawing in most of the players on the field, all of the players on the sidelines, several spectators and two people who were driving past the field and jumped in thinking it looked like fun.

The Sassies used the opportunity to defend their honour, tearing at the throats and eyes of the Moreton Crew, who proved surprisingly competent in a fight. Several Sassies were injured , but gave as good as they got. Arms were torm from sockets, throats plucked out, eyes gouged, spleens ripped in what onlookers described as “shocking” and “completely badass”.

Meanwhile, in the confusion Young Gun Lachlan, free of his opposite numbers, quickly scored three tries.

The fallout from the match was severe. The casualty lists alone were shocking. This reporter tried to reach Stu for a comment, but he had already been subdued by Sassie handlers, all bearing armoured riot gear and stun-guns.

He was loaded into a special holding cage for transport to his debreifing.

The rest of the players, Sassie and Crew alike, picked up their missing limbs and went to their respective team medical staff, who stapled everything together once more and told them to “walk it off”.

Competition: BMTA – Mixed 4
Date: 8.30pm. Wednesday 24th October 2007
Venue: Whites Hill Reserve – Field 2
Crowd Size: 2 (Joel and Mr Ryan)
Mansfield Sasquatch Players: Doyle, Courtney, Stuart, Peter, Bruce, Kristen, Lachlan, Jace, Jacqui, Michelle, Dani,
Tries: Lachlan x 3
Man of the Match: The Sassies wranglers who managed to get Stu under control before any more lives were lost.