olilolo blog

Above: The Norwegian Nobel Institute in Oslo

After the ‘raging success’ of the 2009 Noble Peace Prize, the Noble Institute has announced it’s 2010 candidate for the award: Govenor Arnold Schwarzenegger, as a ‘dual-continental citizen, steadfast polititian and defender of peace’.

International observers and critics have been baffled by this news, which will make Mr Schwarzenegger the second controversial recipient in as many years. While as a Govenor Mr Schwarzenegger has been able to affect change within the United States, his international affect on peace is less well documented and his nomination derided as another popularist move.

Initially the Nobel Institute was unable to be reached for comment, but upon being pressed they have released a statement.

Above: Random Nobel-Peace Pleb

“We really think he epitomises all that the prize stands for. He’s dual-continental citizen, he’s a steadfast polititian, and he’s always fought for what’s he believes is good and right in this world!

He’s fought criminals, terrorists, communists, aliens, futuristic cyborgs and even the Lord of Darkness himself. We simply can’t believe he hasn’t been elected emperor of the world or something. We owe him everything, and we hope this award will help redress the balance somewhat.”

Above: 2010 Peace candidate saving the world.

When asked if the Institute was aware that these were all just movies, they replied: “I’m sorry, I don’t know what what that is. We don’t get out much.”

In further shocking news, it has been revealed that for the 2009 and 2010 awards a PR company had been brought in to raise the profile of the prize by choosing the candidates. Company spokesman, Smarmy Smirkface, defended their controversial choices.

“The Peace Prize was a disaster before we came in. It was all about achievements, and less about the glamour. We were brought in by the Noble Institute to help ’sex up’ the award, so we had to make some hard decisions. I mean Mother Teresa won in the past. Even the best of us can’t sex that up!”

A survey of 1000 women has found that there is a lot of confusion about what constitutes contraception. Apparently the pill and a pack of frangers is a hard concept to grasp, and many other miscellaneous items are being substituted for these tried and true methods.

Items being used as oral contraceptives include potato chips, cola and most surprisingly donner-kebabs. There’s no word yet on exactly how many women are downing a kebab before, or during, sex but if anyone has their numbers please leave a comment below.

Condoms are also being replaced with seemingly cheaper options. Items being used are the unsurprising, cling-film; the totally baffling, bread; and possibly the most disgusting thing this reporter has ever heard of, chicken skin. Which just goes to show KFC isn’t just finger-licking good.

British office go nude to raise morale – and erections.

An office in Britain had all its employees turn up to work naked for one day, in an effort to boost morale. The day was declared a great success for all… except “Pinky-Winky Paul” whom was last seen sobbing on London Bridge while gesturing at his small penis.

Stu is already investigating this policy for female employees at olilolo.

In Bangladesh, two separate newspapers have been forced to apologise and write a retraction after they both printed articles claiming the moon landing was fake. Despite what you might think, these weren’t journalists with a crackpot theory. No, instead they were quoting Neil Armstrong himself, whom admitted the conspiracy theories and youtube videos were convincing and he himself doubted he walked on the moon.

The quote went on to say that although the journey had felt real, in fact:

“…the entire thing was filmed on a sound stage, most likely in New Mexico”.

“I suppose it really was one small step for man, one giant lie for mankind.”

While things were going swimmingly at first for Benagli journalism – being first on a story like this is huge for the little nation – it was soon discovered the whole article had originated on the well known satirical news site, The Onion.

Cute Human Interest Piece:

A chimp has made friends with a baby puma. Awww.

People were bewildered, amused and times alarmed today as a speight of unusual happenings took place across the South East Queensland region today. Newsrooms were inundated with thousands of callers phoning to report improbable events, including unicorn sightings, a rolling stone that gathers moss and a talking cat.

Golfer Unterricht Lylers was delighted as each of the 18 holes he played on the Virginia golf course in northern Brisbane this morning turned into a hole-in-one. “I mean, one hole in one is pretty special, but after the first one they just kept on coming. I’m in disbelief.”

World-renowned touch football champions the Mansfield Sasquatches took home the glory in their second ever win, a 6-1 axing over rivals Nuts & Bolts. Reports indicate that the teams were very evenly matched, with Nuts & Bolts playing their 6th ever game, less than 1/10th of the Sasquatches total game count.

Prof. Gerald Nargedwamwom, University of Queensland mathematician, puts this combination of events at 1 to 20 septillion, that is a two with 25 zeros after it, or less likely than winning the lottery four straight weeks in a row.

In less unexpected news, researchers from Deakin University have found that Logan is the unhappiest place to live in Queensland, and the sixth-unhappiest in Australia.

Scientists say the Yeti is not to blame for hundreds of mountaineering deaths while climbing Mount Everest over the last century.

Instead, the scientists speculate that a high-altitude cerebral edema is to blame for many if not all of the deaths noit directly attributed to being crushed in an avalanche or freezing to death in the ball-shrinking temperatures.

The condition is essentially a haemorrhage of the blood vessels in the brain due to the exertion at high altitude.

The findings come as a huge relief to Norman Yeti, the shaggy-furred creature of legend and part-time mechanic who resides in the slopes around Everest.

“I has always maintained I never done it,” said Mr Yeti, who has been cleared of all charges.

“You’ve no idea what a weight it is off my mind to finally be able to live my life, wandering the slopes and doing some odd jobbing.”

Mr Yeti was initially brought in for questioning in 1935, after numerous eyewitness reports indicated he was responsible for the dozen or so unexplained deaths and disappearances which had been recorded at that point.

“This was a clear case of an innocent man…thing being tried and convicted in the press,” said Arthur Jimbory, Mr Yeti’s current lawyer.

“All the evidence was circumstantial and quite frankly the police were extremely overzealous in their pursuit of my client.

Detective Inspector Nawang Topkay from the nepalese Police said they always acted in good faith.

“Well, he’s a bloody great shaggy monster, isn’t he?” said Mr Topkay.

“We had reasonable suspicion, and the facts seemed to back us up. However modern policing techniques have prevailed. We now know there is no killer except the victims themselves. We are therefore suing their estates for damages and lost police time.”

“Also,” he added “there is still the large number of bodies which were gnawed on.”

“No comment on that,” said Mr Jimbory.

In private conversation with this reporter, Mr Yeti indicated that he occasionally got peckish on long walks.

ABOVE: Norman Yeti, at his home in 1976

People throughout Brisbane are assuring friends and family members that a story they heard from a guy about this friend of theirs is absolutely not a bullshit urban legend.

The story has been given wide coverage in “the Media”, with friends telling people that “it totally made the news, like, last year I think.”

The details of this shocking tale are as follows: A female youth of at least drinking age was making out with a man possibly a bit older (although maybe not) on the dance floor of the Victory Hotel.

The girl, in a shameful display of “blue-ballin”, makes her excuses and leaves, albeit with the man’s number.

An indeterminate amount of time later, in some versions a day, in some a week or more, the girl develops a nasty and not readily identifiable rash around her mouth (which, you will recall, she had been using to “totally make out” with said stranger on the dance floor of a hotel.)

She goes to a doctor to get it checked, and instead of giving her a topical cream for what is clearly “pash rash” or possibly good old herpes, he decides to run a series of tests.

ABOVE: Not actually the girl, but she totally looked like that only worse.

Another indeterminate amount of time later, the girl gets a phone call from the police. The doctor, breaching several ethical and at least one legal code of conduct, has contacted them without her knowledge about her test results. It seems there are some suspicious findings.

It’s unclear at this point what occurred. Sources conflict about whether the police then persuaded the girl to pareticipate in an elaborate sting operation to meet the suspect at the Victory again where they arrest him, or whether they simply used the phone number given to her by the man to track him down.

ABOVE: Not actually the guy, but real life necrophiliac Anothony Merino.

The rash the woman displayed is some sort of side effect from the man kissing (or at least, using his mouth) on a corpse and then kissing her.

Experts are baffled as to what this mystery rash could be, as the only currently known disease spread by the dead is zombification.

ABOVE: Not actually a Zombie. We think.

All sources agree that they are shocked and sickened by such a story, and all women who hear it are suitably put off from making out with men on dance floors for at least a few days.

Several tradesmen commented off the record that it “serves the chick right for acting like a slut”.

Everyone contacted by this reporter insists the story is real, and happened to “this friend of this guy I know” or, “the sister of a girl I go to uni with”.

They are all adamant that the story is definitely not a transparently obvious urban legend, with all the hallmarks of stories of that nature, such as a moral punishment of the central protagonist for engaging in “loose” sexual behaviour, a central well known location as the setting, and vague references which sound plausible but which crumble under any scrutiny.

When pressed, all sources admitted that they had lost the number of the aquaintance they had heard the story from.

The Mansfield Sasquatches have surprised critics and fans alike by actually not losing too badly to The Moreton Crew 9-3

The Sasquatches were weak and unfit following a several week hiatus due to Christmas/ New Year break and several byes falling at once.

Well, weaker and more unfit than normal.

They had actually been scheduled to appear last week, however the torrential rain which had been falling for several weeks at that stage put a dampener on preparations and the game was called off, leaving the Sasquatches gasping with relief; literally in many cases, the act of being relieved proving too much for their delicate constitutions.

There were allegations in the lead-up to that match that a local shaman had been seen performing a rain dance, egged on by Sasquatch players and officials, however this turned out merely to be a homeless man whom they paid a meager sum to dance for their amusement.

So it was with a tentative sense of impending doom that the team assembled in the surprisingly balmy conditions at the White’s Hill Field to play the enigmatic Moreton Crew.

Little is known about these elusive beasts, except they gave the Sassies a sound thrashing on all previous occasions they’ve tussled, or even tangled.

Not to mention they often beat them at touch football.

That however didn’t stop the Sassies from going into the game with a blind sense of optimism born of forgetfulness.

To the surprise of just about everyone the Sassies were actually almost justified in this enthusiasm, breaking through the Crew’s line of defense in the very first play after the kickoff siren, Young Gun Lachlan crossing for the first try of the night, and his 1264th of the season.

The Sassies, stunned, wandered back into positions, glibly noting that maybe tonight was the night.

Of course, it wasn’t. The Crew set the universe to rights the very next play, mirroring the Sassies’ previous try almost to the player; so much so, some of the girls aping male Sassy players spontaneously sprouted thick, full beards.

Meantime on the sidelines, a show all of its own was developing.

Young Gun Lachlan’s brother, friend of olilolo and purveyor of fine websites David “Mauso” Ryan was in attendance.

In fact he was the only spectator to the match, the Sassies other so-called “loyal” fans not even bothering to show up to the scratch match which the Sassies were going to lose anyway.

Deciding to make up for this depressing lack of devotion, Mauso set himself up as a one-man cheer squad, bellowing with all the might his little lungs could muster, inspiring a reaction nearly as profound as the now famous Sasquatch Yell.

Meanwhile back on the field, the game was going about as well as could be expected. The Saquatches’ female players put in a massive effort, as the bare minimum of three had shown up, and thus could not be subbed for the entire game.

However all rose to it beautifully, no thanks to the male Sasquatch players, who took regular breaks, often commenting to the girls as they strutted of the field “I’m not even tired! But I think someone else should have a run” and “Boy am I looking forward to a nice rest! Wooo!”

There were moments of brilliance cut short many times from the Sasquatches, who actually pulled themselves together to mount a credible opposition to the Crew.

Playmaker Ory again combined with Young Gun Lachlan and on occasion Danger Man Yongas to produce brilliant plays which were always let down in the final stages.

This was in contrast to the plays initiated by Heart-and-Soul Stu, who mostly took any plays he started out the back and shot them in the face.

However the breakthrough came midway through the second half when Utility Jason received the ball from another Ory play, this time finding a gap down the left hand side and scoring in a brilliant bait and switch manoever. Seriously.

As Captain Doyle commented, “That’s the try of the season!”

“That’s pretty sad, actually,” he continued, on reflection.

That try and another from Lachlan weren’t enough to hold off the Crew, who crossed a surprisingly light nine times over the course of the match.

Overall the Sassies were genuinely happy with their performance; anyone who had bet on them to win however was sorely disappointed.

With only one game to go of the “regular” season, the Sassies are looking to the future.

There are several player movements expected, with Michelle, Dani and Bruce all moving on.

All mention of these players will be stricken from official Sasquatch records, and the utterance of their names declared a High Crime.

In a surprise move, David “Mauso” Ryan may make the jump from captain and sole member of the cheer squad to fully fledged Sasquatch, marking the first time this has happened since Brian “Sassypants” Horton made the jump for the local shuttlecock side.

At this stage there is some confusion about whether there will actually be a game next week, with scheduling conflicts expected with the start of the BMTA season, otherwise known as the “actual” competition, with “athletes and sportsmen” instead of “a motley collection of geeks, IT specialists and people who talk for a living”.

However the Sasquatches guaranteed fans there would be some sort of match, saying they will play with themselves if necessary.

No one was surprised.

Competition: BMTA – Mixed 4
Date: 9.20pm. Wednesday 13th February 2008
Venue: Whites Hill Reserve – Field 3
Crowd Size: David “Mauso” Ryan, cheering his little heart out
Mansfield Sasquatch Players: Doyle, Courtney, Stuart, Bruce, Yongas, Kristen, Lachlan, Jace, Ory
Tries: Lachlan x 2 Jason x 1
Man of the Match: Jason, for easily the try of the season, regardless of its poor competition.