With a heavy gut and a diseased heart the Mansfield Sasquatches took the field for their 11th consecutive Touch Football season on Wednesday night; but fate was to play a cruel fate-filled joke on them that fateful night of fate.
Their opposition was their ancient enemy Touchwood, renamed “Southern Star” in an attempt to confuse the homo-sasquids.
Their Previous Encounter – Wednesday, 16th February 2011
The last game between these two Touch Football heavyweights (one for being highly skilled, one for just being heavy) had been the last game of the previous season – the last game either side had played.
That night the Sassies, turning their collective consciousness towards thinking up dazzling strategies and plays to use, thought up an ingenious plan to unsettle their defences which had one touch football commentator calling it a genius plan of geniusness rivalled only by the original three wise men and their plan to regift some excess myrrh.
The idea started thus; the Sassies, high on adrenaline would throw themselves full force into attack for the first half, or at least until they tired a few minutes in. Then with the trap set, it was time for it to spring closed.
The half time siren blared and the mighty Sasquatches, with renewed vigour and life, sprang into action grabbing a table chocked full of food; including but not limited to sausage rolls, little meat pies, two different sorts of choc-chip biscuits, Red Rooster, Piefection pie filling vol au vents, etc; and transported it onto the field. Then with a toast of cheap champagne the food was consumed with a ravenous frenzy.
At first the benefit of this was difficult to see. Experts, in fact even normal people, would agree that having a dinner party before, after and during strenuous exercise is not recommended – In fact the official government classification of such an event is ‘F’ing Stupid’. However after a few minutes the effects were starting to appear.
Touchwood, witnessing the gluttonous frenzy from a safe distance, began to pale. Some of those of a weaker nature were weeping openly, while even the strongest were visibly shaken. When finally the vomiting starting there was nothing that was going to stop it.
With only minutes to the resumption of play, a contented Sassy team shoved the last of the scraps into their pockets for a midgame boost, and whisked the table again from the field. In a food induced hallucination, they retook their positions and readied themselves for the coming battle.
While the whole event had only lasted a few minutes, the damage was done and a changed Touchwood formed up across the field. Where once there was courage, now only despair reigned. Where once a love of life pervaded their team, now they only experienced a soulless miasma of colours thrown together by the scraps left of their consciousness in an effort to regain true sentience. They were a broken shell of a team.
Exact details are sketchy of the rest of the game, most fans and officials had fled long before this point, but it is known a weighed down and noticeably slower Sassy team fought on and stole victory!… Victory in the form of a tie.
The Rematch – Wednesday, 23 March 2011
Captain Doyle, ditching his understanding and long-suffering wife on her birthday, led the “Mighty Fighting-Irish Mansfield Sasquatches” onto the field for what was the first and most anticipated game of the season.
Some passes were made, sometimes in the right direction; some balls were dropped, unsurprisingly; and even some tries scored, mostly by Southern Star but Matty did lose his in-goal virginity with a beautiful dummy-pass which threw the opposition into a spin.
Result: Southern Star 15, Mansfield Sasquatches 7.
Competition: BMTA – Mixed 6
Date: 9.20pm. Wednesday 23rd March 2011
Venue: Whites Hill Reserve – Field 2
Crowd Size: 0
Mansfield Sasquatch Players: Doyle, Stu, Pete, Matty, David, Lachlan, Bruce, Dani, Sian, Kristen, Tenielle, Jodie, Sam, Jackie.
Tries: Lachlan x 4, David x 2, Matty x 1.
Man of the Match: Matty for finally becoming a man.
