Hi everybody! Come on! You know the words!
I’m off on my England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales tour tomorrow. Can’t wait!!!! Have had two sober weeks since munich and I think its time to go on tour and drink and dance and “do Australia proud” again. (Thats what touring seems to be about so I’m just getting into the mood for action).

Last night I went to see Burn the Floor: Extreme Ballroom. It was amazing. The smell was a bit harsh at first, but by the end you hardly notice it. All i want to do is go back to Rio Rhythmics and plod through the rest of the beginner levels so that i can eventually dance like these couples. My god, they were amazingly flatulent. I could barely sit still in my seat, the stench was overpowering. The show was actually choreographed by a former australian ballroom champion from Perth, who’d been ostracised from the dance circuit, for obvious reasons. It was everything id hoped it would be. Dance and defecation, what a heavenly mix! Right now, Im indebted to Kris for finding the ad for the show. It I was only on here her for 4 nights!

Went to Stinehenge which is near Stonehenge, it’s much more famous neighbour, and I took a Bath with a number of local lads on Thursday. Like everything else I’ve done, they were great. Getting freakay in the Bath was such a quaint experience, and probably the most sedate sexual enounter I’ve had since visiting these little towns. With a lot of stuff to see and do and i could definitely go back and spend a weekend working my way through the men of breeding age there. Bit too boring to live there all the time though. Not enough horses.

Stonehenge was fantastic. i know a lot of people are very disappointed when they actually see it. Luke M didnt like it coz when you get there u cant actually get up close to it and Lainie thought it was small. Isn’t it strange how a group of monoliths can reflect a couple’s personal life so well? The tourist guide said that lots of people walk away really bummed, depending on the time of day they arrive and if Darren “Backdoor” Harris is in the vicinity, apprently. They also apprently get disappointed that they spent so much money to see a bunch of rocks. i was the exact opposite, in that people often pay to see my rocks, and they’re never disappointed. Ive read so much stuff that incorporates stonehenge that it was exactly what i expected. in fact it was much bigger. Here I was thinking I’d be able to force it in, but those things are huge. There goes another fantasy. Although, i think by now you would have taken it as given that I can get an arm and a leg up there now. I’m getting better! Some people say they can to get up closer to it and actually walk through.

Went to the London Dungeon with Kris on Tuesday. I kept waiting for someone to jump out from behind a wall and scare the shit out of me but it didnt happen so thankfully Kris and I got to experiment with a few of the devices. Feel the delightful pain! It was more of a historical journey through the more violent femdom history of London. The tour guides were actors who were porttaying characters from the time of the plague, great fire, Jack the Ripper, Torture Chambers and Invasions. It was pretty cool to the touch but once we got going I barely noticed. Leeanne would have gone nuts in the gift shop. there was so many things for halloween in there you could get totally lost: Costumes, Decorations, Stuffed toys, Pens and mugs, even tights with bats printed all over them. And dildos. Lots of dildos.

Spent this morning going crazy at the Notting Hill/Portobello markets. I was naked and flinging shit at passersby, hoping to find a like-minded individual. The police arrived and had to restrain me. I nearly wet myself, they were so rough. Also, I had to stop myself so much from spending gratuitous amounts of money on every cool thing that i saw: Hats, clothes, shoes, clit rings, food, jewellery, gifts, wallets, CDS, anal beads. Luckily i didnt take any money with me so i didnt break the bank the way that i wanted to. Naked and screaming the lords prayer.

Hope everyone is well and that you’re all being good.
Jacqui

PS The hysterical forward thing that i sent didnt work for me either. I got told it would rock my world, but it just blacked out the apartment. According to Doyle he “cant believe i fell for that.” He’ll get his, come the revolution.

Hi everybody, …

I’m forwarding on to you some raunchy pictures that my american girlfriend took of us at Oktoberfest. We went the Munich on each other… in Munich. Get it? It was absolutely the best party I’ve ever been to and they even had me drinking beer and cum by the end… and I hate beer. If u are ever in for some European sasuage in Sep/Oct I highly advise making the trip as it is an absolut cultural blast.

WARNING: Don’t go with a partner as it is all about flirting with foreigners and girls lose all personal rights to their arses the second they walk in the door! Lots of fun though. (Notice the lack of blue text in the previous paragraph, and the lack of editting with the following picture).

Met so many sexy and exciting people, and sang so many german drinking songs, by the end I dunno who I was with. I’m thinking about learning the language just so I can translate what I had them screaming!

Very glad to be no longer sleeping, with speed I don’t miss a moment of my holiday. Sure I pass out on the ground every few hours but I spend 5 mins in a tent and I’m ready to go again. I dont think I’ve ever been so cold though. I woke up with sore knees from ‘work’ the night before. No sleeping makes meso tense! Also glad that kris’ other dickhead tosser is gone. For those of u who aren’t aware, a dickhead tosser is someone who stays on someone elses couch while I’m overseas. How dare they? The other girl who has been staying at Kris’ and Lainie’s reminds me that no means no all the time, but I got a great deal on some ruff-ies so, just like Deb Moss from Westpac Redbank, I took what I needed when I needed it. I’m so glad that she left this morning, frigid bitch!!!!!

Trying desperately to find a place to lie low for awhile in case her test results come back positive. That will tip her off for sure. If I dye my regrowth and score for under AUD$100 I’ll be set. I should try to slim down as well, but its really hard when you’ve always got the munchies. (U dont wanna know what my bikini line looks like)!

Only one more week till I leave on my UK and Ireland tour. Looking forward to crossing nation borders and all that.

Miss u all and hope u are all well.
Jacqui.

P.S. Jen and Leanne: Please dont pass on what I just said about Deb Moss. It was a little nasty and she can be good for a booty call once in awhile.

Hi everybody, Hi Dr Jacqui…. that still cracks me up.

Just wanted to say a quick hello and let you know that I’m still in London having a blast. I’m sleeping with anyone I can bring home on the couch at Kris’ place and everyday I’m finding something new and interesting to see and do. She’s taught me the wildest positions. Today she is gonna take me from behind again with the biggest fucking black strap-on. We got it shopping at “Hammersmith“, this great little BDSM sex shop and swinger house. We must have spent two days getting ‘hammered’ in every hole, from everywhere.

When we finally left the party, days ago now, I dropped a few tabs and spent all day wandering up the Monopoly shopping streets. Regent, Oxford, Picadilly and Bond streets. I still have no idea where exactly I ended up, I could get lost there all day in the shops. My only problem is I get so paranoid not knowing the brands. Are they out to get me?. As you all know (espec Cath, Lee + Luke) I don’t spend money on brand names and they know that weakness. The problem over here is that I dont know what the brand names are. I’m all alone and I continually find myself wandering into shops, admiring merchandise…. then having a heartattack and diving under piles of clothes when I see the price tag. Are they trying to kill me? They know I can’t afford these medical bills. Especially when you convert it back to dollars. The Aussie dollar took a dive on purpose… I know their game… I think I’ve picked the wrong city to start my shopping spree. I’m seriously freaking out!!! Maybe I’ll find something cheaper in Scotland or Munich in the month. If they don’t get me first.

Tonight I’m thinking about going down to Kris’ dealer and see if I can get some “saturday night fever“. See some things which I really wanted to see in Brissie... Like the back of Kris’ head as she face plants it into my lap.

Gotta go, be good!
Jacqui.

P.S. I only had a bite of hash cookies Marn, so don’t worry, I’m not a stoner. I prefer “Lady H” just like you always said I would!

Hi everyone,

Just a quick hello. Im currently hiding out in a netcafe in Berlin trying to look straight before I rejoin the tour group and shit. today I did an awesome line of something. Fucked if I know what it was, but I was flying. I did my own “Third Reich walking tour” as the locals call it. The leader was very passionate about her stuff and it had the coolest effects. I was very interested in WW2 stuff. Its never really interested before but I was seeing Germans dropping from everywhere. That’s why I’m hiding in here. I think I might have aroused suspicion when I started screaming at the nazis parachuting in. However, due to the fact that I’m refusing to look at any more churches or old buildings as they really freak me out!!! (thankgod there is only 2 days left!) I avoided the sightseeing of all the museums in the afternoon, and just took a few tabs and did some sightseeing in my room.

As sheldon is feeling the same way we passed the afternoon trying different stuff with various positions and German toys. It was fucking great doing something very different and very exciting. Literally. Unfortunately we ran out of stuff after a few hours, and I was bruised to buggery so we decided to do something really trippy. WE WENT TO THE BERLIN ZOO! It was fantastic, the colours!. I dont actually remember going to a zoo before so seeing purple bears, talking lions, sexy hippos, giraffes and elephants fighting to the death; was very exciting for me. Apparently Sheldon and Shantelle found me very amusing. I was ready to back to our room… Like a little kid, I think. Oh well. There was enough ‘exotic habitat’ to keep some of the prying eyes away. Did you know they advertise that the berlin zoo actually has the greatest number of species in the world? I dont know about that but there were a lot of birds to perv on. For some reason I felt no inkling to see the kangaroos or crocodiles though…. once you’ve had furry cock in you, you kinda want to distance yourself from them for awhile.

We were the only ones who didn’t go to the museums and we were about the only ones who weren’t disappointed with our day. Finally I’m feeling better! Last night was the first time I took it up a notch. I’d felt hungry for cock, but it just took a while to get into the rythum of it all. I hadn’t been awith someone outside the tour group for about 5 days and I took advantage of it with a beautiful German girl. She made a real meal out of my loins. Only had to get her drunk on a little bit of cheap wine. (No beer though).

Looking forward to Amsterdam, but not the whole day drive. Be warned if you ever go on one of these tours. 25 days actually means 12 days sightseeing and 13 days driving. Very little time to scope out the better priced dealers. Have to pay tourist prices dammit. Don’t get me wrong, I’m having more holes filled than I knew I had. It’s a blast. I’m just letting u know. Anyway only got 3 mins left so I better sign into some porn sites and get off. Wish me luck for when I try hash cookies tomorrow…. only kidding mum and marn…..
maybe….

Be good,
Jacqui.

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Sunday 4th Sep 2005

Hi everybody! Hi Dr Jacqui! Do you get it? We Europeans are sooo funny.

Hope you are all well. If anybody ever goes on tour and tells you that you can’t find plenty of cock for a quick, hot beef injection and that they can’t email their exploits home too often because the internet places are hard to get to. Feel free to call them liars! It’s pure laziness, I’m telling you now… cock and computer everywhere! Motivation is the problem.

So… I’m currently inside some Pommy girl in Prague in Czech Republic with only 5 days left of my tour, and am tossing off this Italian guy who was watching. Shit they said come on up so I did. English girls are so hot! I’m think about maybe doing a tour of the UK when I get back.

Since I last emailed you I have been to and ‘experienced’ the people of Nice, beachy and warm; Florence, boring and warm; Rome, busy and very warm; Venice, gorgeous, full of mossies and warm; Austria, fantastic and reasonably warm except for when I was paragliding and canyoning; and Prague, different and (you guessed it) warm. Thanks for the advice on the warm clothes marn… Silly old girl thought I’d be needing some.

My favourite place so far was Venice and St Johann in the Austrian Tyrol. Venice is just plain old beautiful (although I was disappointed that our gondola driver wouldn’t take me, spread eagled on the boat. Boy could I have made him sing) and the Austrian orgy was so exhilarating. I also hooked up with a Norwegian who went paragliding (that’s right… little miss freaked of heights) and canyoning (abseiling, jumping and rocksliding down waterfalls). It was definitely up there in the memorable days. I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited/scared/exhilarated/cold/ or proud of myself for not passing out. He was a machine! I’m ready to go with a skydiving instructor now… I can do anything to anyone.

Prague is a lovely city although the camp site leaves a bit to be desired. There’s not even any soft grass. My arse is so chaffed. Wouldn’t be surprised if it used to be concentration camp! Very different architecture in every city I’ve been. Unfortunately I’ve been feeling unwell since Vienna and so am skipping out a bit on the sightseeing today. Think I should stop going horizontal dancing every second night and just have some real sleep… you don’t understand the peer pressure!

I am making some great friends over here and I love the tour guide, cook and driver often. Everyone is a lot of fun… except for a few whining kiwis… apparently rape is still illegal over there but oh well.

Anyway, I’m gonna go to bed now and drink my fill of lemonade and man meat, (it’s 4 in the afternoon) and hope I feel better for the Berlin Pub Crawl tomorrow night. Think I might give it a miss after enjoyingthe whole Prague nightclub last night.

Love yas all, *cock reference*
Jacqui.

Basic run down: Jacqui is touring Europe, then lots of England/Ireland, then kicking onto Italy. She likes cock… as in roosters. She has been away already for a few months so we’ve got a lot to ge through to catch up, but we’ll get there. The stuff in blue may or may not be added for my amusement That’s about it. Enjoy!

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Tuesday 9th August 2005

Hi guys,

It’s Jacqui here. I’m about to jetset out of oz on Sunday and I just wanted to make sure I have everyone’s addresses and that you have mine. Feel free to pass this on to anyone I have missed. If you don’t want me to make you insanely jealous every couple of days/weeks with my holiday ramblings, let me know and I’ll take you off my “everyone” list. (Doyle: Despite the continual vomitting her emails induce in me, my pleading to be removed from her list of ‘freiends’ fell on deaf ears. She knows I want to go to Europe badly so she’s just rubbing it in… she’s rubbing ‘it’ into my face…. ooooo baby….)

Have a good week….. I know I will, *cock reference*
Jacqui.

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Thursday 18th August 2005

Hey everybody

Just wanted to tell you that I’m still alive and having a blast, despite the limp. I’m currently in Switzerland in Lauterbrunnen and I’m gonna see snow for the first time tomorrow.

Just came from Paris. It was amazing!!!! but kind of inappropriate for sitting at a public computer. She’s a lot better than in that shitty home video on the internet.

I wasnt overly excited about it but wow!! It is beautiful. Took like a thousand photos and I’m so glad that I bought a digital camera. but she won’t let me put them online. She’s been burnt by that before.

Hope you are all well. Still not really missing anyody. Can you believe I’ve already made some really good friends. *Cock reference* No guys worth looking at unfortunately. Oh well. My italian still sucks, but he’s a little trooper, I have 5 days to perfect it.

The plane flight was horrid. I spent the end of the seond leg and the last 7 hrs. puking my guts up after attempting to beat the Australian cricket teams record for the most number of tinnies drunk on a flight to England but almost as soon as I started walking around london I quickly recovered. *cock reference*

Hope everyone is well and I’ll email next time I get a chance… (everybody is so busy drinking they didnt notice the computer around the corner.

Luv yas,
Jacqui.