You know what should make a comeback? Hats.

Australia is a sunny country. We’re constantly being warned about the dangers of excess exposure to the daystar and it’s burning tentacles of pain. And yet, hats remain something only daggy people wear. Either granddads or blow-ins from the bush or even just that one guy with the hat and the backpack, who looks like he collects and catalogues moths. Hats are not a cool thing to wear.

But they are when we’re stepping out, as I discovered when I went to the races yesterday for Cup day. Everywhere I looked, men were sporting hats of varying types. Most were the tiny Trilbies which are effectively useless for blocking the sun. But a few were the wider-brimmed Fedora style, which in my opinion still looks classy while also actually being funtional. Of course there were others again who were sporting the traditional straw cowboy hat with the XXXX GOLD logo on it, but that’s to be expected at any outdoor event in Queensland, including funerals and riots.

But there was just a whiff of irony to me about the men wearing the hats. “Look at us, out for a Day at the Races,” their hats seemed to say to me, exactly as if I had taken a large tab of acid. “Aren’t we Dapper”. To be honest, though, the answer is “yes”. There’s something just old school and classy about a nice hat. Something that is lost to the t-shirt and Crocs wearing masses of the early 21st century.

The reason I’ve been thinking about this is because I burn like crispy bacon in the sun, and it’s annoying the hell out of me. I wear sunscreen now, but it only does so much against a sun which is rapidly being turned up by God’s browning knob. Not to mention sunscreen doesn’t prevent you from getting heatstroke.

So bring back hats at all times and places, I say. Fedoras and Bowlers for day wear, Top Hats and Trilbies for an evening out.

Sombreros, of course, for parties.

I think the one thing that I would have to work around is that fact that I have an encephalitically large head, and therefore I can’t really wear hats. Baseball caps perch on my crown, forlornly trying to cover the vast expanse below. Bucket hats and other hats with a brim fit almost by default, just sort of flopping lazily over the globe that is my head. A trilby would have as much chance of fitting me as a tea towel thrown over a mountain.

So I’d probably have to go to a hatter of some description. Do they even have those anymore? Some guy who just makes hats?

This guy came up in google when I searched for "hatter". Anyone have his number?

Also, if I was getting it personalised I’d want to give it a few touches that were unique to me personally. Things like a leopard pattern, plush velvet and a matching jacket.

The gold chain I can take or leave.

Which brings me to my second point- canes need to make a comeback as well. Get on this, people. It’ll be the look this summer. Don’t make me choke a bitch.