Originally posted 11th January 2006.


I find that the majority of people of my generation really don’t appreciate cream that much. To most of us, cream is something that comes out of an aerosol can or something that gets mixed with ice to form icecream. Whipped cream is a little bit ‘out there’, and don’t even THINK about having cream other than very, very occasionally for a special event.

However, I have recently come to the discovery that cream is good. Very, very deliciously gnarmmmm…slobber good.

All this came about after I visited the local shop in search of milk. Now a good milk is hard to find (and a hard milk is good to find) but good milk I have found, and at my local shop, no less. It is Cooloola (or something) milk, proportedly comes from Jersey cows, and is unhomogenised (for the uninitiated, this means that the cream is NOT mixed in with the milk, like regular milk, so you get a thin layer of cream on the top). All of this adds up to make the milk delicious to my discerning pallette. Today, however, I spotted Cooloola Jersey Cream next to the milk. I thought “Why not? I’ve always found cream to be reasonably appetising.” So I bought the cream. This turned out to be an investment in my childrens’ future (read: a good idea).

Now I’m sure that I’m going to regret this move in years to come, after an unfortunate collision with my arch-nemesis “Hartd Des Seas” (translation: heart disease). That said, today I’m living in creamy, creamy bliss. Cream is good for many things. You can have it in coffee instead of milk. In Baileys-and-milk instead of milk. On cereal instead of milk. With chocolate cake. With chicken and apricot sauce. Mixed with icing sugar (drool). As you can see, cream clearly has a plethora of uses.

Also, there are uses that are not so traditional. For example, pouring it on yourself while naked and in a drunken stupor. Leaving it in the sun for a day or so, then pouring it on unsuspecting passers-by. Leaving it as a joke in a friends hubcap. Rubbing it on your nipples and pretending you’re a cow. The list goes on.

All I ask of you, friends, is next time you’re walking past the cream aisle in the supermarket (yes, some supermarkets do indeed have an entire aisle dedicated to cream), spare a thought for the poor Ethiopian children who will never get to sample its goodness. You OWE it to them to use and abuse it, as often as you can.

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