Author Archives: aarondoyle

Scheiße!

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I found potato dumplings in the supermarket the other day.

This is big news. I LOVE potato dumplings. They serve no purpose other than to suck up gravy and be delicious – and possibly glue up your insides as they’re pretty sticky. However, the immature child in me noticed something about the brand which caught me by surprise and had me giggling in the aisles.

Heh. Pfanni.

Now, after devouring these lovely balls of starchy goodness I decided to search the brand and see what I could find – specifically what other delectable treats they had awaiting me.

After trawling through a history of the company (none of which I could read) and various recipe ideas (again, can’t read German), I stumbled across an interesting fact: For cultural reason, the products are exported to North America as “Panni”.

You can’t fault them on this, it makes perfect sense since “fanny” in the US means “arse”. I know I don’t want to be thinking about arses and faeces while I’m chomping down on some gooey goodness. Looks like some quick local research has saved them some unfortunate embarrassment.

This of course begs the question: Why are they exporting a big pile of VAGINA to Australia? You can’t tell me their research didn’t turn up the fact that 60 million Poms, 20 million Aussies, 5 million Irish, 4 million Kiwis, and the English speaking portion of South Africa would all be thinking about female genitals, if they weren’t already, when they heard the word Pfanni. Bums are out, front bums are in!

I like to think they know exactly what it implies in the Commonwealth countries… and they’re okay with it. Arses are nothing but excrement-spewing stench-monsters, but vaginas; now that’s more in touch with the steamy, saucy goodness of kartoffelknodel. It’s what their German forefathers fought for.

That’s really all I wanted to share with you. A little bit of year-four humour to start the week. If over generalised stereotypes have taught me anything, and they have, it’s the German girls have massive boobs and German men keep poo where it belongs, in pornography.

News of the Day: Third Gender Announced

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The Australian Government has last week announced a new, third-option for gender on their passports. It’s aimed at ending the discrimination of some groups and will be fast tracked through parliment. The change will take place in the comming months.

Charities and Support Groups have welcomed the moved, and have voiced their approval for the new legislation.

“This is a revolutionary step forward for Australia. I don’t there’s another country out there that has made this decision. The government should be commended for being at the forefront of political correctness,” said Mrs John Smith of the Salvation Army.

Fred Frederickson, Minister for Customs, Border Security and other Reality Tv Shows, was pleased for the community reaction to the proposal.

“I’m really proud of what we’re doing here. I’m proud of Australia. Really it makes sense. These people are writing this on their forms any way. It’s something they’re passionate about, and I’m happy to be embracing that.”

In a world exclusive, olilolo has been able to obtain a copy of the new forms, presented here for our dear readers:

Australia passport application

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11th Season – The Year of the Sasquatch?

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sassy logo 2011 small

The Mansfield Sasquatches, lead out by their courageous and downright dashing captain Doyle, took the field Wednesday night for what was the first game of their 11th season playing Touch Football.

Analysts have speculated that this would be another season of disappointment for the fan-favourites with one commentator going so far as to question their skill level at the sport they’ve been playing for so long.

“They’re fucking incompetent.”

Round 1 vs Alchemists – Injury Crisis

The pre-game preparations were thrown into disarray by the debilitating, but invisible, injuries to their latest signing Camille as well as her sister and perennial Sassy, Danielle. With the two of them training day and night practising new, special manoeuvres it was seen as a real blow to the line-up.

At a press conference on Monday, team financer Mr Fukuoke Yamada was still optimistic. “Sure, you don’t want to start your first game down a few players but the core of the team is still available. It’ll give the girls further time to hone their secret weapons. Watch out in the weeks to come.”

However, come game day disaster struck. Vice-captain, and heart & soul, Stu was ruled out after he was brought down by dreaded man-flu – a condition which has been much talked about by tabloids, day time TV and bitter, middle-aged wives.

It is assumed Jodie, upon hearing of Stu’s withdrawal, threw herself from her ground floor window and seriously grazed her knee. A team of medical experts whisked her away to parts unknown were presumably she spent the rest of the night being monitored by dozens of doctors and was unable to play.

Just as it looked like it couldn’t get any worse, team sausage-maker and second rower Matty suffered a last minute bout of ‘bloaty belly’ from eating a high-protein snack in the form of a dodgy kebab. It’s a condition that lately experts have been calling “Sassy-syndrome” and coincidentally cases have risen sharply since the foundation of the club.

By the time kick off had come, it was but 4 men and 3 not-men who took the field.

Game time

The decimated Sassies lined up against their intimidating opposition – three guys and a girl. Never had the Sasquatches been so outnumbered.

Within the first minute the Alchemists had scored, but the Sassies fought back and fought back hard.

Between the poor ball skills by Aaron, the distracting sideburns of Kristen and a desperate Bruce running off the field to have a quick spew before charging back on for more, the Sassies scored thrice – 2 to Sian and 1 to David.

With the final whistle blown the scores were checked, double checked and triple checked.

A confused but impressed referee announced the score.

Jubilation was evident from the Sasquatch supporters, and the crowd whipped itself into a frenzy. Cars were extinguished and buildings beautifully painted and restored by the excited spectators.

The four alchemist players had scored 15 tries to the Mansfield Sasquatches 3.

“15-3!! I knew this was our year!” exclaimed one proud fan. “We’re going all the way!”

Another said, “There were seven Sassies playing four opposition and we scored 12 less tries than them. That’s a win in every sense of the word. Except the actual sense… but 15 to 3!!”

“Bruce, sign my spew!” shouted a gleeful young girl.

Season forecast – Rain or clearing with rainbows of glory?

The Touch Football world was thrown into a spin that night. Was this a one off? An anomaly in what will be another disappointing season?

There’s one thing this reporter knows for sure, the mighty Sassies will be the team to beat in Spring 2011.

Next Game: vs The Inbetweeners. 7:20 PM, Wednesday 31st August 2011.


Competition: BMTA – Mixed 4
Date: 9.20pm. Wednesday 24th August 2011
Venue: Whites Hill Reserve – Field 3
Crowd Size: 1000s
Mansfield Sasquatch Players: Doyle, Pete, Bruce, David, Kristen, Sian, Sarah.
Tries: Sian x 2, David x 1.
Man of the Match: Bruce. For putting his dinner on the line, and the grass.

Things I’ve Learned -or- Why Being a Dad is No Fun

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These are the few things I’ve learnt over the last two years of fatherhood:

    - Putting a ‘reduced to clear’ sticker on your newborn’s head head may seem clever, but it will cause a rash for several days.

    - Children learn to mimic you. It’s not long before they are laughing at their own farts. I’m told this is wrong.

    - Your not allowed to teach your kid to splash your wife every time she passes the bathroom, not only is it irritating for her, but then the little shit’ll then slip on the wet floor at least once a week, cracking his head. The sound of crying is unpleasant on the ears.

    - I’ve learned when your son has a grazed nose, you shouldn’t say “Where’s your nose?” no matter how funny the outcome is.

    - It’s really difficult to pose a child into the various YMCA positions, and yelling at him when he resists isn’t as satisfying as it sounds.

    - Telling your child the noise from an emptying bath is a dragon in the drain hole that will eat him will stop him putting his fingers down there, but it will also make him scream in terror and jump out of the bath if your hand even accidentally strays towards the plug hole.

    - Making a big deal every time you have to change a filthy, filthy poo nappy is hilarious to those who are around to hear it; but will encourage your child to not tell you when he’s soiled himself, stay sitting in it all afternoon, and leave him covered with sores that will only get worse with time. You will also notice he will get embarassed when you have to change him, and will hide his face in shame, making you realise you’re actually a horrible dick.

    - If your child looks scared from the sound of a chain saw starting up from the neighbour’s backyard, apparently you don’t scream “The Monsters! They’ve come to get you Breandan! Run!!” before reaching out for his hand and taking him running through the house on a panicked chase. Apparently children don’t ‘get it’.

    - You’re not allowed to teach your kid to respond to the question “What does Mumma smell like?” with the answer “Poo!”. Especially if you follow this up with the question, “Is Dadda the best?” and you’ve taught him to reply “Yes!”. It exacerbates the issue.

    - If your son is afraid of dogs, jumping out from behind the couch as he approaches and barking at the top of your lungs is so, so funny. They say it’s also not the right thing to do.

    - You’re not allowed to have any fun with children. I really don’t know what the point of it all is then.

YMCA Breandan

Misconception

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“Uh, Mr Doyle.”

“Huh?”, I opened my eyes.

“This is quite important; you should probably be awake.”

“Suit yourself.” I sat up a little straighter.

“Also you can’t have that drink in here.”

“What drink?” I sipped my drink and pondered the question.

“Um, that one.”

“What one?” I swirled my glass listening to the clinking of the ice cubes.

“In your hand”.

“Hand?” She was talking gibberish.

“Right now. Right there.” She pointed at my hand. Did she want some of my drink?

“… I’m confused, what?” This is hard work, I thought. Thank fuck I have a drink.

“Forget it. Just don’t worry.”

“Mmmmm scotch, I love you. Sorry, what was that?”

The doctor sighed. I wondered why. She must be making a mint if what she was charging me is any indication.
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A Call to Action: An olilolo Supported Charity.

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How many poor pigs must be slaughtered before we step in and stop this war?

How many birds will give their lives away, brutally thrown in to wood, ice and concrete before we say enough is enough?

Right now, across the globe, there are pigs being beaten, battered, crushed, and blown up. They’re being abused and killed for the entertainment of the masses.

Right now, in labs, there are birds going through excruciating medical experiments to be turned into modern day gladiators for these games. They’re being grossly enlarged, torn asunder, filled with explosives, and made to shit lethal eggs of death; they’re being crafted into soulless killing machines.

For just $1 a day you can help save these lives.

peaceable avians

At “Peaceable Avians”, we help the victims of this war find hope in the face of suffering.

air drop

We air drop clothing, medicines and slops right into the heart of the warzone.

orphanage

While for the thousands left orphaned, we run mixed-species children’s homes where they can find warmth, feel safe and most importantly learn tolerance of one another.

So please support Peaceable Avians today.

help stop the anger

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Touch Wars: Return of the Sasquatch

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Mansfield Sasquatches logo

With a heavy gut and a diseased heart the Mansfield Sasquatches took the field for their 11th consecutive Touch Football season on Wednesday night; but fate was to play a cruel fate-filled joke on them that fateful night of fate.

Their opposition was their ancient enemy Touchwood, renamed “Southern Star” in an attempt to confuse the homo-sasquids.

Their Previous Encounter – Wednesday, 16th February 2011

The last game between these two Touch Football heavyweights (one for being highly skilled, one for just being heavy) had been the last game of the previous season – the last game either side had played.

That night the Sassies, turning their collective consciousness towards thinking up dazzling strategies and plays to use, thought up an ingenious plan to unsettle their defences which had one touch football commentator calling it a genius plan of geniusness rivalled only by the original three wise men and their plan to regift some excess myrrh.

The idea started thus; the Sassies, high on adrenaline would throw themselves full force into attack for the first half, or at least until they tired a few minutes in. Then with the trap set, it was time for it to spring closed.

The half time siren blared and the mighty Sasquatches, with renewed vigour and life, sprang into action grabbing a table chocked full of food; including but not limited to sausage rolls, little meat pies, two different sorts of choc-chip biscuits, Red Rooster, Piefection pie filling vol au vents, etc; and transported it onto the field. Then with a toast of cheap champagne the food was consumed with a ravenous frenzy.

Mansfield Sasquatches half-time Touch Football feast at White's Hill

hunger, lust

At first the benefit of this was difficult to see. Experts, in fact even normal people, would agree that having a dinner party before, after and during strenuous exercise is not recommended – In fact the official government classification of such an event is ‘F’ing Stupid’. However after a few minutes the effects were starting to appear.

Fear and Loathing

Touchwood, witnessing the gluttonous frenzy from a safe distance, began to pale. Some of those of a weaker nature were weeping openly, while even the strongest were visibly shaken. When finally the vomiting starting there was nothing that was going to stop it.

With only minutes to the resumption of play, a contented Sassy team shoved the last of the scraps into their pockets for a midgame boost, and whisked the table again from the field. In a food induced hallucination, they retook their positions and readied themselves for the coming battle.

While the whole event had only lasted a few minutes, the damage was done and a changed Touchwood formed up across the field. Where once there was courage, now only despair reigned. Where once a love of life pervaded their team, now they only experienced a soulless miasma of colours thrown together by the scraps left of their consciousness in an effort to regain true sentience. They were a broken shell of a team.

Exact details are sketchy of the rest of the game, most fans and officials had fled long before this point, but it is known a weighed down and noticeably slower Sassy team fought on and stole victory!… Victory in the form of a tie.

The Rematch – Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Captain Doyle, ditching his understanding and long-suffering wife on her birthday, led the “Mighty Fighting-Irish Mansfield Sasquatches” onto the field for what was the first and most anticipated game of the season.

Some passes were made, sometimes in the right direction; some balls were dropped, unsurprisingly; and even some tries scored, mostly by Southern Star but Matty did lose his in-goal virginity with a beautiful dummy-pass which threw the opposition into a spin.

Result: Southern Star 15, Mansfield Sasquatches 7.


Competition: BMTA – Mixed 6
Date: 9.20pm. Wednesday 23rd March 2011
Venue: Whites Hill Reserve – Field 2
Crowd Size: 0
Mansfield Sasquatch Players: Doyle, Stu, Pete, Matty, David, Lachlan, Bruce, Dani, Sian, Kristen, Tenielle, Jodie, Sam, Jackie.
Tries: Lachlan x 4, David x 2, Matty x 1.
Man of the Match: Matty for finally becoming a man.

Awesome Book Reviews of Awesomeness

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Pete, in a sign of how hard he works at his post here at olilolo, has decided to release a book of his sketches called “Just another Violent Friday” which he’s going to launch at the local “Supanova Pop Culture (nerd) Expo”. It’s a lovely little number with violence inspired sketches he has drawn, primarily after his weekly meetings with Disco Stu.

A few days ago he put the call out to his few remaining friends to provide some quotes for the back cover.

Since I’m too lazy to write anything creative myself, and this was free material, I’ve decided to repost it here without anyone’s consent.

Enjoy!

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Doyle’s Quotes

“I used to be an innocent catholic schoolgirl, but thanks to ‘Violent Fridays’ I’m now wanted in 4 countries. Thanks Mr Yong!”

“Great. Entertaining. Light hearted fun. These are all adjectives!”

“I picked up this book and next thing I know I was waking up in an ice bath. 4 stars!”

“I loved the Da Vinci Code.”

“It went through me like a Bondi tram”

“First I was afraid, I was petrified.”

“I haven’t been able to keep my hands off myself in weeks.”

“This book is as welcome in Brisbane today as a yellow-bellied black snake at a barbecue.”

“The girl’s happy.”
- R Hunt.

“Great binding. High quality paper! Two thumbs up.”

“It’s like gunshot wound to the face. Then having that wound reopened and rubbing salt into it. Then punching a small kid in the guts.”

“I’m now blinded in one eye!”

“Like a full body abortion… to the eyes.”

“This book killed my children.”

“Like heroin injected into your retinas.”

“If this book was a food, it would be a sickening slurry.”

“Even the smallest weakling will be hardened by this violence fest. I now wear dynamite pants and barbed wire shirts.”

“Banned in 5 countries. On the curriculum in 6.”

“This book stole my wallet.”

“No I won’t give you a quote for your stupid book.”

“Enthralling. I loved every word. The pictures? Not really my thing.”

“It has the fibre and nutrients to give my kids the start they need.”

“Violence in a book? Australia says yes.”

\——————\–––––/——————/

David’s Quotes

“Oh, God yes. Finally a book that caters to my love of violence and fridays; and my distaste for the written word.”

“To behold its magnificence, its glory and its splendour is to initiate a chain of orgasms that may never stop.”

“It’s a book!”

\——————\–––––/——————/

Bruce’s Quotes

“It made me spit tea out of my nose.”

“Oh no, Peter! What have you done!? Just awful. Peter.”
- M. Yong

“I’d rather read the Microsoft Windows licence agreement. Over and over again.”

“What an enchanting tale of a boy wizard, and the mischief and hijinks he gets up to with his friends at school. Two stars.”

“Well that’s four minutes of my life I’m never getting back.”

“Better than Danielle Steel’s Kaleidoscope.”

“Better than that time I snorted powdered milk.”

“Proof that there is no God.”

“A disturbing insight into the mind of a psychopath.”

“If I were a book, I would want this book to have my children.”

“Has a fruity, musky taste with undertones of smoke and cinnamon.”

“This book gave me an irrational fear of cats.”

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