The world is in a state of shock after recent studies seem to suggest that the Atkin’s Diet may cause heart disease if followed long-term, and has been linked with a growing number of coronary related deaths and slender, svelte corpses.
The Atkin’s Diet fad swept the West, with thousands ditching those unhealthy carbs for all the goodness of protein and fat; and the results were remarkable with dieters losing an average of 28% of their body weight in a matter of months.
After years of unsuccessfully trying to encourage people to lose weight and live healthier, it was a godsend for Ministers of Health and Doctors the world over.
Earlier in the year Dr Richard Foster, head of the AMA, made a speech about the Atkin’s Diet wonder to a handful of co-workers, who were forced to smile and listen, as he practiced for giving the same speech later in the week to government Ministers.
“Who wants to lose weight by eating less and exercising more? No one. We had to be realistic, and we couldn’t see the trend in weight gain turning around in the future. In a hospital in Balmain they had already started work on a king-size MRI machine, with reinforced struts. We were heading to a tubby future. Then the impossible happened. Along came the modern miracle that is the Atkin’s Diet. Now, now we have a chance to really change people’s lives and boost their health without all that silly ‘in moderation’. Now we have a chance. A chance to beat the obese food-monster living inside all of us.”
Now, months later, Dr Foster himself is confined to a bed; waiting on the premium transplant list for the stolen orphan-heart he needs to survive.
The scientific community is in disarray over the findings, and research on nominal issues like cancer have ground to a halt as everyone’s focus is turned to the real problem.
“It’s certainly a surprising result,” said Professor Lardarse, Head of Health Sciences and Cuisine at Brisbane University. “On paper it looks like the perfect system. Remove carbohydrates from your diet and replace them with fatty foods. It couldn’t possibly fail. I would just like to say that science is officially baffled on this one. Baffled.”
Reactions from the public have been equally mystified. “I don’t understand”, one man gasped while chomping down on half a kilo of bacon, sandwiched between two wagyu steaks. “Who would’ve thought that exchanging bread and cereal for excessive amounts of kebab meat, lard and 23 birds, nested into each other like French royalty, would’ve caused heart disease? I mean if they were wrong about this, maybe they’re wrong about the healthy, calming effect of cigarettes? Now I don’t know what to believe”.
While the world waits for another delicious breakthrough, Professor Lardarse muses about the return of more traditional methods of weightloss; “At this point I think the only thing we can suggest is to go back and revisit the previous generation’s solution, and try good old fashioned heroin.”