Dear Scarlett,
May I call you Scarlett? I want to establish a friendly rapport with this letter, and will take your silence as assent.
I, like many others I’m sure, have been watching your rise to stardom with interest for some time. And can I say right off the bat that I find you to be an engaging and charming actress, with a wide and varied body of work which belies your relatively few years.
But there’s one thing which has been bothering me about your career up til this point, and I wanted to address it with you in this admittedly imperfect and impersonal medium. I feel that there is a particular aspect of yourself which we have so far not seen, and it is an omission which I feel is not only disappointing for those of us watching your performances, but also must be disappointing for you personally.
You need to get your tits out.
Please excuse the crudity of my expression, but there is the problem, in a nutshell. In all of your roles, not once have “the girls” made an appearance, and cinema is poorer for it. So many wonderful movies, which could have easily been improved by letting the funbags hang free.
Don’t get me wrong, I have certainly appreciated the various times we’ve almost seen your boobs. A certain amount of titillation (if you’ll pardon the pun) keeps people guessing about exactly when we might see that glorious chest of yours. It adds that frisson to watching one of your movies. There was even that bit of side boob that you threw out there in that one film that all the celebrity nude sites use in their adverisments.
But you can only maintain an audience’s interest for so long. If this goes on for much longer, several larger men are going to have aenuryisms and heart attacks waiting for a glimpse of your pleasure pillows. I implore you, Scarlett, out of a concern for public safety, to bare your breasts on film at the next possible opportunity.
I understand Michael Bay actually prevented you from appearing topless in The Island, which would make me hate him if I didn’t already for his myriad other crimes against cinema. So I know the will is there on your part, for which I applaud you. But then I see you’ve made at least three films for Woody Allen, including a film where you have a lesbian tryst with Penelope Cruz and still no joy in the funbags department. One begins to suspect that you are a bit of a tease, Scarlett.
If, indeed, directors will not allow you to expose yourself on camera, I offer a delicate solution- simply remove your top at all times while on set. You have to be forceful with directors, they sometimes cannot see the forest for the trees. In this way, the breasts in question will invariably end up on screen somehow, unless the director chooses to film you only in closeup, or over one shoulder for the entire film.
On the other hand, it occurs to me that the no-show of your lady-humps in celluloid so far may actually be due to modesty on your part, or the belief that that is all people are interested in. I assure you nothing coyuld be further from the truth. I’ve enjoyed your acting in… the several films you have been in. I enjoyed that scene in that film where you were very angry with someone, so angry that your boobs wobbled around furiously. That must have taken a few takes. Very impressive.
But if I can offer some advice- time and gravity is not your friend. And lets face it, with mammaries that size, you’ve only got a couple more years before everything starts heading south for the winter. And no one wants to see that. Well, actually, we’ll take it, but wouldn’t it be better if you got everything out there now, in its prime? Instead of waiting for time to carry out it’s terrible, frustrating work?
Take Helen Mirren, for example. She’s a stunning woman, even now in her 60s. If she got her boobs out now, I would actually be kind of interested to see them, and you can’t say that about too many people who’re old enough to be your grandmother. But the only reason I’m interested in seeing them now is because I have in my head the memory of what they were like back when she was young, and curvy and would frequently get them out in a number of trashy movies. She was a busty blonde who went on to play the damn Queen of England and win an Oscar for it! It can be done! You can sacrifice your integrity for a paycheck and still get a gold statue! Sure, you have to wait a few decades for it, but surely that makes it all the more satisfying?
I won’t take up any more of your time, but I implore you to consider what you’ve read here today, or been told by an assistant who read this for you. Having your breasts committed to film would be the single greatest acheivement of cinema cince they first made people wet theselves in terror with the short of a train rushing towards the camera. Now, people can wet themselves with joy.
I remain expectantly yours,
Stuart Q Fightmaster.
PS- alternatively, just some private pictures of your breasts would suffice. Please send them via email to this website.
Tags: The November Challenge
November 12th, 2009 at 00:33
She’s probably got really ugly nipples. You know, those weird large brown ones.
As for Helen Mirren – go rent “Calendar Girls” Stu, and satiate all your desires.
November 12th, 2009 at 00:41
See, but I think we should be given the opportunity to judge her areola on their own merits. “Show, don’t tell” is a dramatic rule for a REASON.
November 12th, 2009 at 00:50
‘Spose. I guess anything that takes away from that smug face of hers with the wannabe Marilyn pout. Pffft.
November 12th, 2009 at 01:18
HAHAHAHA fuck yes, Stu! I fucking loved this post. Classic. You have totally made my evening. I was in a mood from hell working on a charity website that I was “supposed” to receive help with from others. Now because of your awesome post I am in a better mood and can get back to giving Angel Flight a nice pretty website for their fundraiser.
Here is my version of your letter:
Scarlett,
Tits or get the fuck out!
Mammarically yours,
Stu
November 12th, 2009 at 01:25
Yours is certainly punchier.
And I’m glad I could help you be less angry at a charity. If you ask me those bastards have had it too good for too long. Did you know the Government doesn’t even tax them? OUTRAGEOUS.
November 12th, 2009 at 01:35
Haha yeah I sure do my friend. I used to be an accountant remember. I lost a few of our clients who were charities because when I was auditing them I told them that the CEO’s and staff were getting paid to much in comparison to other similar positions in public companies.
Granted some charities are exceptional but others are pricks.
November 12th, 2009 at 07:35
Well either Michael Bay is gay, or there is a possibility he knows something we don’t. Remember that shitting-dick-nipples picture?
Scarlet was the model.
November 12th, 2009 at 09:42
Awesome post stu!
The term “Pleasure Pillows” Cracks me up. Its just not used enough!
I wet myself with joy……
November 12th, 2009 at 11:43
I hate you forever for putting that idea in my head, Doyle. HATE.
November 12th, 2009 at 16:51
I just realised that compiling this post would’ve seen Stu spend a fair chunk of time poring over every Scarlett Johannson picture on the internet, looking for the best glimpses of boobie.
Unless of course he already had them bookmarked. Or carefully cut out and sellotaped into his own private “manual”.
November 12th, 2009 at 17:46
You say that like you’re surprised or something.
November 12th, 2009 at 20:28
Girl Clumsy, if you’ve been reading for long enough, surely you would have seen the countless other SJ photos Stu has posted? He definitely has them saved.
November 14th, 2009 at 09:32
It would have been a stuggle to part with and share his secret collection though…
Luckily he’s probably got a few thousand more pictures saved of SJ.