olilolo blog

In a form of self-destruction I’ve been trying to curb, I love trying new products at fast food restaurants. Every time the marketers come up with some new way to clog the arteries of the western world, I am the first in line, ready and willing to hand over my hard-earned cash to be blissfully brought one step closer to the quadruple bypass club.

So it was with great delight that I heard Hungry Jack’s (the local version of Burger King) was releasing a competitor to MacDonald’s Angus Burgers. Maccas has the Mighty Angus and the Grand Angus, but Jackas?

They have the ANGRY ANGUS

Not only does it have two angus beef patties, with cheese, as well as THREE different sauces, the marketers have decided to do a bit of free-asociation and throw some onion rings on there, because at this stage, you’re visiting the doctor one way or another; you may as well have some fun.

And in fact doctors have already expressed concern about the Angry Angus. It turns out that even after the changed the recipe slightly, it has twice the recommended daily dose of sodium.

But that sort of thing doesn’t deter a seasoned eating professional such as myself. So it was with confidence I sidled up to the counter at my local HJ’s and ordered an Angry.

“Please fill in this form, sir,” said the girl behind the counter.

“What is it?” I aid

“It’s a standard medical indemnity form, sir. Please list any medical defects you have, and any medication you may be on.”

“What’s this bit down the bottom,” I said, pointing to a worrying paragraph. “It says here I waive any responsibility on the part of HJ’s in the event of my death.”

“Oh yes sir,” she replied, ” that’s just a formality. “Very few people die from the Angry Angus.”

“I see. Well, that’s reassuring.”

I signed the forms and handed them back to the girl, who walked off. After a short wait, she returned carrying a tray with my meal including the fabled burger iself.

I had expected something more substantial, maybe at least a cardboard carton like the ones Maccas has. The Angry Angus simply comes in a standard paper wrapper like all other HJ’s burgers.

I unwrapped it and there it was in all its glory. Of course, it looked nothing like its picture, but then no fast food burger ever has so I wasn’t going to hold that against it.

I raised the deceptively heavy burger up to my mouth and took a bite. The flavours exploded like improvised bombs on the disputed causeway of my tongue. The rich taste of the meat and cheese, the zest of the sauces, and the tingling burn that gives the Angry Angus its Angry. It ws a surprisngly good burger.

I finished it reasonably quickly and got up to thank the girl at the counter. As I stood up though, a tight pain burned in my chest, my mouth went dry, and I let out a low groan as I slid to the floor. As I lay on the linoleum slowly blacking out, I heard the girl say “Gary come quick, we’ve got another one! Bring the trolley!” before blackness overtook me.

I came to in the alley out the back and was handed a bottle of water by a mute teenage boy with a fringe completely covering his eyes and a lip piercing. I thanked him, and walked shakily back to my car, vowing to maybe stop eating crap for a week or something.

Tags: The November Challenge

3 Responses to “A Pissed Off Little Burger”

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