The Olympics have come and gone for another four years. And what an Olympics they were! There was a standard of competition unmatched for decades. And if, like me, you’re an enormous geek who will die a chillingly lonely death, you sat there watching, for example, the running events, and wondering if they could beat The Flash.
And that’s just ridiculous. I mean, no one can beat The Flash. He can run fast enough to break the time barrier. Pfft, get real, loser.
But if some insane genius with too much money and time (and lets face it, what IS Bill Gates doing with himself these days? I don’t buy that “charity” malarky for a second) wanted to put together some sort of crime fighting superteam, he could do worse than recruit from the ranks of the elite athletes who showed up to compete in Beijing. So let’s look at the standard roles of every good super-group, and see who could fill them.
THE STRONGMAN
In the Comics: (Superman, The Hulk) Superstrength is basically your stock-standard super-power. It’s like the power windows of the superhero set, and it seems to be gained by just about any sort of half-assed origin; Bitten by a radioactive spider: Super-strength. Hit by a massive dose of gamma rays: Super-Strength. Last son of a dying planet charged under a yellow son: Every superpower known to exist, and some that the writers will invent to get them out of a plot hole, chief among them Super-Strength. Seriously, you could be bitten by a radioactive jellyfish and still get Super-Strength. So my team has to have a strongman.
At the Olympics: Fortunately there’s plenty of those walking around the Beijing Village. And officially the strongest is Matthais Steiner. He won gold in the heavyweight division by lifting a combined weight of 461kg. That includes the 258 kilos he lifted in the Clean and Jerk (hee hee) and the 203 he lifted in the Snatch (ha ha).
In addition to having one of the most suspect names of any event at the olympics, the Snatch involves just grabbing that weight and lifting it above your head in one go. Steiner can do that lifting the equivalent of a small cow. A skill which would be very useful if he were a farmer, or even as a neat party trick. A party on a farm.
THE ARCHER
In the Comics: (Green Arrow, Hawkeye) Every major superteam’s got one; a guy whose specialty is bows and arrows. Because in a group comprising of people who can move planets and kill you with their brain, what you really want is someone who can hit that bullseye every time. Still, they’re a mainstay, and in the real, Superman-less world, a guy who can hit you between the eyes with an arrow at 100 metres would actually be pretty badass to have around.
At the Games: Korean bow-person Park Sung Hyun is widely considered to be the best archer in the world. By other archers, I guess; it’s not the sort of sport that has armchair punters grabbing their form guides. Regardless, Park does have an impressive list of acheivements. She was just beaten for gold in the individual event in Beijing, taking silver, but did get gold in the team event. She also holds a couple of world records, and basically could probably shoot the wings off a fly at a hundred paces.
What they don’t tell you is she’s thinking of all her ex boyfriends when she makes those shots. Guess what she imagines the bullseye is (hint: their balls)
THE WARRIOR
In the Comics: (Wonder Woman, Thor) Every superteam needs someone skilled in the art of battle. Someone who can actually think their way around an attack strategy while colour coordinating their underpants and their cape. The Warrior often fills this role. Whether they’re an Amazon or a God of War, good warriors are strong and well-versed in all the disciplines a soldier needs in a fight.
At the Games: The best place to look for Warriors at the Olympics is at the Heptathalon, an event set up to showcase the all-around skills your average Amazon would need in warfare before the birth of Christ- three running races, the long and high jump, shot put and javelin throw. At this year’s games the gold was won by Ukranian Nataliya Dobrynska, seen here during her world record performance in the “I’m a little teapot” event.
THE MARTIAL ARTIST
In the Comics: (Karate Kid, Iron Fist) They crop up everywhere on superteams; those very special ultimate badasses who are so good at kicking ass that it’s considered a superpower. Karate Kid once beat up a guy who can literally move mountains. One time Iron Fist stopped a speeding train full of explosives by punching it until it stopped. You do not want to be a villain facing these guys.
At the Olympics: Let’s face it, martial events at the Olympics are kind of lame. Judo is hugging, wrestling is gay hugging, and boxing is … well, boxing is pretty badass, but the points-based system means you hardly ever get a knockout anymore. Taekwondo includes kicking, making it a “proper” martial art in the eyes of 10 year olds everywhere. I still think it could be improved by adding “to the death” to the match rules, but it’s possible that’s just me.
Unfortunately, Olympic Taekwondo is a damn mess, with accusations of match fixing, corruption and tons of bad blood flying around. It’s enough to drive a competitor to kick a referee right in the face. I was almost tempted to pick that guy for the superteam, (because who doesn’t love a Rebel who Doesn’t Play by the Rules?) but kicking a ref in the face, even a corrupt one, is a fairly dick move. Far better to go with the guy who actually got the gold medal, Korea’s Cha Dong-min.
After all, amid all the bullshit and corruption and facekicking, he was the guy who ended up with the lump of gold around his neck. And that’s got to count for something. Specifically, a spot on my fictional superteam. I hope he appreciates this honour.
THE GYMNAST
In the Comics: (Nightwing, Daredevil) Being able to take a tumble, swing across the rooftops and generally be nimble on your feet is the hallmark of a good insane masked vigilante. It stands to reason that if you’re going to be doing backflips off gutters and swinging through highrises on a zipline you would need good core strength pilates just can’t provide. Many comic book superheroes, especially the ones without superpowers, are usually lauded as “olympic-level gymnasts”.
At the Games: There was a surprisingly strong field in the gymnastics events at Beijing, but none stand out so much as local hero Yang Wei.
Yang, a natural all-round performer, won the Gold overall at this year’s games, making him officially the best gymnast to compete. He was commended for his high difficulty rankings in all his events, meaning if something is hard, Yang will do it harder just to prove he’s the better man.
THE SPEEDSTER
In the Comics: (The Flash, Quicksilver) Every super team feels incomplete unless there’s a guy who can run really fast. Like, really fast. Like, on more than one occasion, The Flash ran so fast he travelled in time by accident. They all hark back to speed-gods like Mercury and Hermes, and give two-bit comedians fodder for jokes revolving around the phrase “the fastest man alive”.
At the Games: Well, Usain Bolt is currently pretty widely accepted as being the actual Fastest Man Alive, at least for the moment. Bolt won gold in the 100m and 200m sprints, beating the field in both races by several body lengths without seeming to put any effort in at all.
![](http://blog.olilolo.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/bolt-ahead.jpg "\")
In fact, in his 100m final, he noticeably slowed down, ackowledged the crowd and did a little dance at the 90 metre mark, and still won easily. He has apparently never heard the fable about the tortoise and the hare, and clearly never needs to. Commentators have described Bolt as “amazing”, “a talent that comes along once every five or six generations” and “absolutely not taking performance enhancing drugs, no-sir”. But regardless of whether he’s clean or doped to the eyeballs, put this man in a red costume with lightning bolts on it and you’ve got your speedster. I mean, the guy’s name is BOLT, for Chrissake. If a comic book writer actually called a character that, he’d get criticised for being too unrealistic.
THE WATER GUY
In the Comics: (Aquaman, Namor) A good superteam has to be prepared for every situation. Sometimes that situation involves getting wet. When that time comes, you call for your Water specialist. Usually raised under the sea, or with some mutation giving them gills or something, this team member tends to seem kind of lame, despite being one of the more powerful members on a given roster. Having a costume comprising of just a pair of speedos will do that.
At the Games: You might have heard of this guy called Michael Phelps
That’s him with his EIGHT GOLD MEDALS, all won in the pool. That makes him oficially the most successful Olympian ever, let alone swimmer. The guy may as well breathe water. In fact, no one has presented me with solid evidence that he doesn’t, which I take to mean he’s a bona fide genetic mutant and a shoe-in for our theoretical superteam.
If only he didn’t look like such an INCREDIBLE DOUCHEBAG whenever he’s not in togs.
And there you have it. Give them matching yet easily customisable uniforms, preferably with their logo displayed prominently, and we’re set. They can be called… “The Olympians”. That has a nice mythic ring to it. I’d even suggest someone should write a comic about that very group, but sadly I’m not joking when I say the IOC would probably sue the pants off them.
August 25th, 2008 at 10:04
Looking like an insane, caffeinated douchbag makes Michael Phelps even more similar to Namor, really. It’s a shame there aren’t any superheroes who travel by bicycle or boat, or you’d be able to put a Brit into the squad. Yay Britain!
August 26th, 2008 at 12:22
I would read this comic. Real olympians teaming up to try to be super heroes. Awesome.
And you are such a nerd.
August 28th, 2008 at 00:15
Can I be in the super team as comic relief? I’ll be the Gimli of the Superteam.