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So late last week, two guys from Georgia were out “hiking in the woods” (quite an obvious euphamism, really) when they “stumbled across the corpse of Bigfoot”. That bit isn’t a euphamism, it’s just a bunch of bullshit, but hey, lets run with it some more. The pair, Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer, claimed they discovered the body of the beast lying in woodlandwhile on a hike, and dragged it back to their car. Later, they claim they were also followed by several bigfeet as they did this.

They decided to let the world know they finally had irrefutable proof that the legendary creature existed, so they went to the authorities immediately, surrendering the specimen for rigorous scientific testing. Ha ha, just kidding. They actually “put it in a freezer” and took several grainy shots of the monster.

That’s actually it, by the way. I know you might have thought I just posted a picture of some sausages, a rug and a gorilla mask in a box, but that is actually the “specimen” the pair claim to have found. Someone needs to tell the Henderson’s that Harry isn’t coming home.

Whitton and Dyer then sent samples of the hair to a DNA expert, and called a press conference. At the press conference were reportedly about ten actual journalists and about 50 of the pair’s friends, called in to act like journalists. Several of whom didn’t even bother to wear a suit, and Whitton and Dyer greeted more by name in front of the actual journalists, who then reported this because it was definitely more interesting than what was happening on stage.

Speaking of events on-stage, in an effort to put a more trustworthy face on things, the guy’s brought in a “bigfoot expert”, Tom Biscardi.

Again, I feel the need to point out that that really is him at the press conference on Friday, and not some random nutcase I found on Google Image Search by typing “bigfoot dickhead”. The guys also obviously missed the point of getting an “expert” in who isn’t already massively likely to agree with what they say to confirm their findings. Mr Biscardi’s been chasing Bigfoot for years. Once again, not a euphamism.

The gathered media was then presented with photographs of the quality you see there, along with an email from the scientist, who reported the DNA results were inconclusive. Well, actually he said two of the hairs provided were human, and one was from an opossum. Whitton, displaying truly amazing abilty to spin facts, claimed that that didn’t necessarily mean the results disproved their story, but merely that bigfoot had eaten an opossum before he died.

I mean, that’s tobacco-company-levels of spin right there. That man has missed his true calling.

Regardless, the less than impressed journos were then ushered out of the room, with an instruction to visit the website for more details. What website? Oh there’s a couple. There’s the site Dyer and Whitton run where they sell bigfoot merchandise and spots on their bigfoot safaris through the wilds of Georgia. There’s also Biscardi’s site, which ties into his radio show all about bigfoot. He also does tours and stuff.

Man, it’s almost like these guys are trying to drum up interest in their sites so peoplke will buy T-Shirts and go on a bigfoot tour with the guys who found the “real, dead Bigfoot” or something. But no. I’m sure scientific discovery is their main motivation.

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