Why I Want Wolfmother to Die and Die and DIE.
Posted by: discostu / Category: Disco Stu's MiscellaneaAll right, I’m going to be honest here. Nearly all popular music shits me so much I want to punch things. I don’t mean that I’m a cultural moron and I dislike it because it’s popular, I just mean that nearly all of the music that you will hear on the radio or see on the TV can suck my balls. Suck them long, suck them hard.
There are a lot of bands that vie for my valuable hate. I dole it out like the Spanish during WW2, carefully rationed and distributed with clockwork precision. Several insipid soft-rock indie fucks currently are served small portions on a daily basis as I’m forced to listen to them on the radio on my way to work. Several older, yet depressingly similar bands are given similar sized portions while I’m forced to listen to them during work. But there is also an upper echelon of bands that inspire such a pure, white-hot hatred in me that I’ll temporarily black out from the all-consuming rage, often coming to my senses in a field covered in barbeque sauce for no good reason I can see.
I’m a complex person.
The nature of this upper echelon is mercurial, ephemeral, and other big words meaning it’s constantly changing. Good Charlotte held a spot for a long time, as did Limp Bizkit, both falling by the wayside of less saturation-level airplay and me just tiring myself out from hating them so goddamn much. Jet currently reside there, along with My Chemical Romance (who I like to call “My Chemical Bro-mance” because it conjures an image in my head of the band playing Gay Chicken with each other and that makes me giggle)
But there is one band that just takes the fucking hatred-cake for me right now.
That band is Wolfmother.
You may not have heard of them. The radio stations were only playing EVERY FUCKING SONG FROM THEIR ALBUM TEN TIMES EACH AND EVERY FUCKING DAY. So you might have missed them, or something. You could have been in a coma for the last ten years. I’ve seen that happen on TV.
When you have strong views on something, naturally there will be people who have differing opinions from you. This is natural. It’s just that I’m actually always right and my opinions should be held by the public at large as some sort of modern-day gospel. So when I say “Wolfmother sucks more than a black-hole-fluffer” I mean it, and it is the Truth.
But I can see you’re going to need some convincing. Therefore, here is a small list of reasons Wolfmother is Evil personified, and not in the cool, heavy metal way, but more in the style of a gay Anne Rice vampire.
1- SATURATION
They, along with Jet, are DOMINATING the Australian music scene at the moment. To the point where there are hundreds of bands trying to emulate them. The fact that two Aussie acts made it so big so quickly did not go unnoticed among the garage playing teenagers of the nation, and they are running for their slice of the action. Wolfmother and Jet are the rancid crest of a wave of retro psuedo hipsters who are supposedly rebelling by getting lucrative five album deals and sponsorships with clothing labels.
They make me want to stomp puppies.
2- RIDICULOUS COMPARISONS
Wolfmother get compared to Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath. To me, that’s like comparing a child fingerpainting with its own shit to the Mona Lisa. Both those bands were innovators, Zepplin in the field of prog and rock, and Sabbath as the (practically single-handed) progenitors of Heavy Metal. Wolfmother are recyclers. They take old concepts and give them a dust-off and a lick of paint and trot them out as brand new, and 14 year old kids who don’t know any better eat it up and think it’s innovative.
They’re adding nothing to the musical pool- they’re not giving anything back. The kids in point 1 are 30 years behind the game, because they’re trying to emulate a band with a 30 year old style.
3- INTELLECTUAL DISHONESTY
I want you to do me a favour. Watch this video of Joker and the Thief by Wolfmother.
Now, I want you to watch this video of Black Sabbath performing their hit Hole in the Sky
I could probably stop there, but there are still some things I need to get off my chest. My rippling, MANLY chest of RIGHTEOUSNESS.
4- MUSICAL WANKERY AS SKILL
I make no secret of the fact that I LOVE heavy metal, a statement which will almost certainly invalidate the rest of my argument in the eyes of many people. I will admit, metal can be a silly genre at times, and there is a lot of crap to sift through to get to the diamond you accidentally flushed down the toilet. It is, however, a genre that praises skill and talent. You can’t, for example, play three notes over and over, run it through a chorus pedal with a bit of fuzz to make it sound like power chords and have anyone think that you are anything but a worthless waste of genetic material.
5- POWER WHAT?
I dislike the concept of a “Power-Trio”. Call me old-fashioned, but I like to have a bass on stage. Also, “Power-Trio” sounds like a sexual position.
6- HEY! THAT’S TAKEN!
They are RUINING other, heavier, legitimate songs about wizards and space unicorns for the rest of us.
7- CAN’T GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD
They’re so damn catchy. Seriously, how the hell am I supposed to properly hate a band if I’m humming their songs in the car on the way to work? Fuck.
Now, some people may already be firing up their keyboards, spastically flailing at the keys as flecks of spittle hit their screens. I’m talking to those people now. I accept that you like Wolfmother. I do. I get it. It’s just that, well, if I had the chance I would savagely beat all three members of the band, and most likely orgasm several times while doing so. That’s just my opinion. You’re entitled to your stupid opinion too, fatty. The fact that I’m right must make you lose sleep at night, though. Oh yeah, I can see the bags under your eyes. STOP LIVING THE LIE.
God I fucking hate Wolfmother.
February 9th, 2007 at 07:25
Wow.
February 9th, 2007 at 07:32
Side note: It’s very like olilolo. No post for a week now two in one day.
It’s like some evil form of torture… we starve you till you’re just about to brethe your last breath… then throw you a 3 bucket full of offal and watch as you gorge yourself till you vomit… followed by a new period of starvation.
Heh…. offal.
February 9th, 2007 at 12:57
See everyone, that “wow” is the sound of Doyle’s MIND BEING BLOWN by the sheer beautiful logic of my argument.
February 9th, 2007 at 23:30
I think you both could benefit from a dose or two of prozac - just a thought
February 10th, 2007 at 00:57
I think you could benefit from a dose or two of THE BACK OF MY HAND.
February 10th, 2007 at 10:27
If anyone thinks I’m overreacting by posting a rant about a band who released their one album over a year ago, then open your Courier-Mail this morning and have a look at the Q-Weekend section. Who’s those gimp faces staring back? Yep. There’s a full feature inside filled with such syncophantic praise for the band I’m suprised the author doesn’t describe in loving detail the protracted blowjobs he inevitably gave all three of them following the interview.
For the benefit of our interstate and international readers (and I know there are many of you out there) I’ve picked some highlights-
Wow. Barely a page in and we’re already throwing the Beatles comparisons out there. I should point out that this is after the author of the piece compares the band to Sabbath, Zepplin, Deep Purple and Pink Floyd. God. Dammit.
Then, the band’s infamous “fantasy lyrics” are mentioned-
Ooookay. So the AfroGimp will take whatever insipid shit trundles across his front brain and put it into a song, in a vaguely rhyming order. Fair enough, I kind of assumed that was what happened anyway. But to hold it up as some sort of genius is like looking at a child scrawling on a wall and put it in the national gallery. Actually, I think they do that too. Regardless, a session of word-association with his Afro-ness would most likely send a psychologist insane.
Then, like clockwork, the lead singer’s appearance-
If you’re feeling a little concussed, it’s because the author has beaten you into submission with his imagery. Have a lie down for a bit.
Also, if I’m reading that right, the writer says “Wolfmother” would be a good name for AfroGimp, which means he just called him a girl.
20? My aren’t you a big girl now, Shoshannah? I say that because you sound fat, not because you display a shred of historical context or comparative analysis.
I love how even people who like them admit that they’re “bringing back” sounds from older, better bands. Nice. In fact, their whole appeal is based around that fact. Everyone who ever mentions their music always talks about their “retro” sound.
And finally, my personal favourite quote, from AfroGimp himself-
You can almost see him throwing his arms out wide and striking the pose, can’t you? You poor little dear, Andrew, with your recording contract, and awards and thousands of fans. Keep crying, fucker. Your tears are like fine wine to me.
February 10th, 2007 at 16:07
Wow.
February 10th, 2007 at 16:09
Oh and this section:
Stockdale is known for getting lost along tangents. An ashtray will remind him of a Pyramid will remind him of a mummy will remind him of his mother, an accomplished former dancer with the Australian Ballet. Currently he’s thinking about maracas.
…says to me he isn’t a genius… he just does a lot of drugs.
February 12th, 2007 at 12:11
They won a Grammy.
…
I’m just going outside. I may be some time.
February 12th, 2007 at 23:37
HEY GUYS! WHAT’S GOING ON IN HERE???
Oh.
Wow.
February 12th, 2007 at 23:45
There are so many worse bands than Wolfmother (who nonetheless deserve the criticisms doled out here); I just don’t care anymore.
A couple of weeks ago I had to drive a different car to work than usual, and it did not have a CD player. So I figured there’d have to be something on the radio worth listening to… right?
Six of Brisbane’s most popular stations each made me want to vomit. There are no words to describe how bad those 20 minutes were, as I constantly went from station to station.
In conclusion, Wolfmother’s just another fish in a gigantic sea of filth. The only difference is they’ve been picked out and applauded.
February 12th, 2007 at 23:46
Wait, what? THEY BEAT TOOL?
Yeah, I only just started reading Stu’s Grammy link.
Fuck.
July 7th, 2008 at 00:33
[...] Time”. Now, I know it can be tempting to throw that term out there in a fit of passion over a band you really, truly despise. But you have to realise this is a dangerous term to bandy about, as you must take into account [...]
August 9th, 2008 at 08:37
[...] just that, as some of you may know, I really, really hate Wolfmother. I do not like them. I dislike them intensely. I am not a fan. It is safe to say that, even if you [...]