Analysts have speculated that this would be another season of disappointment for the fan-favourites with one commentator going so far as to question their skill level at the sport they’ve been playing for so long.

“They’re fucking incompetent.”

Round 1 vs Alchemists – Injury Crisis

The pre-game preparations were thrown into disarray by the debilitating, but invisible, injuries to their latest signing Camille as well as her sister and perennial Sassy, Danielle. With the two of them training day and night practising new, special manoeuvres it was seen as a real blow to the line-up.

At a press conference on Monday, team financer Mr Fukuoke Yamada was still optimistic. “Sure, you don’t want to start your first game down a few players but the core of the team is still available. It’ll give the girls further time to hone their secret weapons. Watch out in the weeks to come.”

However, come game day disaster struck. Vice-captain, and heart & soul, Stu was ruled out after he was brought down by dreaded man-flu – a condition which has been much talked about by tabloids, day time TV and bitter, middle-aged wives.

It is assumed Jodie, upon hearing of Stu’s withdrawal, threw herself from her ground floor window and seriously grazed her knee. A team of medical experts whisked her away to parts unknown were presumably she spent the rest of the night being monitored by dozens of doctors and was unable to play.

Just as it looked like it couldn’t get any worse, team sausage-maker and second rower Matty suffered a last minute bout of ‘bloaty belly’ from eating a high-protein snack in the form of a dodgy kebab. It’s a condition that lately experts have been calling “Sassy-syndrome” and coincidentally cases have risen sharply since the foundation of the club.

By the time kick off had come, it was but 4 men and 3 not-men who took the field.

Game time

The decimated Sassies lined up against their intimidating opposition – three guys and a girl. Never had the Sasquatches been so outnumbered.

Within the first minute the Alchemists had scored, but the Sassies fought back and fought back hard.

Between the poor ball skills by Aaron, the distracting sideburns of Kristen and a desperate Bruce running off the field to have a quick spew before charging back on for more, the Sassies scored thrice – 2 to Sian and 1 to David.

With the final whistle blown the scores were checked, double checked and triple checked.

A confused but impressed referee announced the score.

Jubilation was evident from the Sasquatch supporters, and the crowd whipped itself into a frenzy. Cars were extinguished and buildings beautifully painted and restored by the excited spectators.

The four alchemist players had scored 15 tries to the Mansfield Sasquatches 3.

“15-3!! I knew this was our year!” exclaimed one proud fan. “We’re going all the way!”

Another said, “There were seven Sassies playing four opposition and we scored 12 less tries than them. That’s a win in every sense of the word. Except the actual sense… but 15 to 3!!”

“Bruce, sign my spew!” shouted a gleeful young girl.

Season forecast – Rain or clearing with rainbows of glory?

The Touch Football world was thrown into a spin that night. Was this a one off? An anomaly in what will be another disappointing season?

There’s one thing this reporter knows for sure, the mighty Sassies will be the team to beat in Spring 2011.

Next Game: vs The Inbetweeners. 7:20 PM, Wednesday 31st August 2011.

Competition: BMTA – Mixed 4
Date: 9.20pm. Wednesday 24th August 2011
Venue: Whites Hill Reserve – Field 3
Crowd Size: 1000s
Mansfield Sasquatch Players: Doyle, Pete, Bruce, David, Kristen, Sian, Sarah.
Tries: Sian x 2, David x 1.
Man of the Match: Bruce. For putting his dinner on the line, and the grass.