Wrestling Midgets Killed by Fake Hookers
Otherwise known as “The Best Headline I Have Ever Seen, Ever”.
I mean, sure, maybe the story is fake or the facts are embellished slightly, but tell me you’re not going to buy a copy of the paper with that on it.
So I saw Transformers over the weekend. It was certainly a movie. There is no disputing that fact. It was a film which was made and screened and no one can take that away from director Michael Bay. Just like they can’t take away his record-breaking weekend which makes Transformers 2 the second highest opener ever behind The Dark Knight, and causes some of us to wonder whether this whole “civilisation” thing was worth it in the first place.
Sure the film may have been ripped to shreds by critics like a baby dipped in gravy and thrown to wolves, but there’s that huge pile of money it made to basically render all their arguments moot. Sticks and stones may break Bay’s bones but names will never get past the security on his mansion made of platinum.
That said, Transformers did suck pretty badly. But surely we’re getting a little hyperbolic with our criticism? I mean, Bay can at least compose a beautiful shot of something exploding while a pretty girl strikes a spine-bending pose. Surely it could have been worse, right? I mean, I bet I can think of like, ten ways it could have been worse right now.
1-If the contant flashing, blinding light on screen had induced epileptic fits like that one episode of Pokemon.
2- If instead of just making the Twins hideous racial caricatures, it also went out of it’s way to show the other Autobots being racist to them.
3- If instead of Arcee receiveing 2 lines and little screen time, the movie had revolved around her physically abusive relationship with Bumblebee
4- If President Barack Obama had actually made a cameo in the film, and the Autobots told him they don’t take orders from “the dark-skinned humans”.
5- Is Sam was revealed to have been a Transformer all along.
6- If Michael Bay had just gone ahead and changed the names of the Decepticons to the Terror-Cons, which all came from France.
7- If instead of having the main protagonist be Sam Witwhicky, it was Adolf Hitler.
8- If the Autobots only managed to beat the Fallen with the power of Love.
9- If the movie had somehow given people cancer.
10- If Uwe Boll had directed it.
There. See? I don’t know what all you people are complaining about.
The King is dead. Long live the King.
Michael Jackson was a kooky motherfucker. We can admit it. Just because he’s passed on doesn’t make it less true. Not since Howard Hughes have we had such an incredible example of one man sliding deeper and deeper into fantasy surrounded by a cocoon of money and celebrity. Neverland Ranch, in it’s halcyon days before Jackson’s estate started haemorrhaging money like a wounded elephant, contained a zoo and a theme park complete with Ferris wheel, roller coaster and bumper cars. Everything a boy who never grew up could want.
His notoriety doesn’t take away from his increbible career as a musician and his huge influence on popular culture. He had fans across the world, of every age, colour and creed. Although his glory days were over, he was still a force to be reckoned with in entertainment circles.
He also had his problems. There were the repeated child abuse allegations, the increasingly bizarre appearance, and increasingly bizarre behaviour. The longer the fantasy kept rolling on, the more desctructive it seemed to be getting. Eventually, it proved fatal.
But I’m not going to dwell on that, or even eulogise Jackson more than that here. Others, far more qualified than me, will be dissecting every detail and aspect of his life (and death) in the coming days. After our initial shock, I’d wager we’re going to get sick of Jacko in the news all over again.
But ultimately one fact needs to be remembered above all else- A human being has died. We tend to think of people like Jackson in the public eye as demigods, abstract and untouchable, existing in some void of the public consciousness. But you just had to watch the news reports today to see that’s only true for most of us. To some, red eyed and staring into a forest of cameras, he was a friend, a father, a brother, and a son. And now he’s gone. And that’s sad.
There, that’s it. I was going to say more, but that would just be labouring the point. I don’t want to turn this into a soapbox. I will say though, that you have to keep some perspective. No matter how sad you are about Michael Jackson dying, Heal the World is still a fucking terrible song. Let’s not go crazy here.
As I’m here getting ready for work, on the news they’ve just announced some unconfirmed reports are circling that Michael Jackson has died as little as an hour ago… while I’m always a little sceptical of ‘unconfirmed reports’ (I remember holding out hope that Steve Irwin was actually fine, and it was all some dirty hoax), and while I did like his music, I would like to jump in at this point and link this video by the Chaser:
We’re going to see a massive swing in public opinion for Wacko.
I love Thursdays. It’s a day of excitement, of torture. Sitting at my desk, eagerly awaiting what the night will bring: Inspector Rex baby!! Now I know I’ve blogged before about Inspector Rex. If it was up to me I’d blog about Inspector Rex every week though, so sit down and shut up or that very well may happen.
Inspector Rex - Season 6, Episode 8: Just in Time
An action packed episode of ‘Rex this week which fires from the get go! Romance! Intrigue!! Explosions!!! Rex grabs you by the testicles and won’t let go. If he was a Dingo, you’d be a baby.
Really I just had to show you this clip - It was only 3mins 30 seconds into the episode that we were presented with gold:
That’s me. I’m done. Who needs more out of life? Cryogenically freeze me and wake me up 7.30 next week!
For those of you who might be interested in watching the full episode, it’s online at SBS.com.au - link.
Can Rex save his partner from a bomb, during a high-speed car chase? You’ll have to watch to find out!
While idly clicking around on the internet the other day I stumbled across this-
That, friends, is the Flag of Earth. Created in the 1960s in the leadup to the first manned moon mission, it’s creator, James W. Cadle, lobbied strongly to have it planted on the moon by Armstrong instead of the American flag. The American Government, having spent trillions of dollars putting Armstrong there and engaged in a pissing contest with Russia and China, said no.
Still, the flag has hung around for years (pun not intended but I’ll roll with it anyway), being adopted by SETI and various scientific institutions around the world.
And quite frankly, I hate it. It is fucking terrible. It’s ugly and uneven and the symbolism in it is not only boring but obvious, a cardinal sin in the heady world of flag design. The United States flag doesn’t have a map of America superimposed over a bald eagle (although that would be kind of cool), it’s got stars and stripes. The Australian flag doesn’t have a kangaroo drinking a beer while kicking someone in the head (although it should) it’s got the Southern Cross and the Federation Star, and, to some people’s chagrin, the Union Jack. The flag of Barbados has a goddamn trident on it.
Clearly Ol’ farmer Cadle up there wasn’t trying too hard when he crapped out something that resembles a retarded child’s drawing of their family. And dammit, I don’t want the entire world, me included, to be represented by that piece of shit. It’s terrible. Aliens would laugh at us, then invade with their superior technology (they were going to anyway, but now they’d be dicks about it.)
No, we need a better flag, a flag to rally behind, to unite the varied and countless people’s of the earth. Something we can all get behind. At first I thought the UN flag would do the trick-
if only for the simple fact that once we colonise Mars we can legitimately call ourselves the United Federation of Planets-
But even so, it’s still a bit wishy-washy. It’s regal looking enough with the leaves and the globe/starfield and whatnot, but it’s not the sort of thing you want to make a cape out of or wear as underpants.
Deciding to mine the brains trust of the Cracked forums I put the question to them: “What should the Flag of Earth be?”
I was expecting hundreds of designs, pages of debate of the merits of the various flags, and several people calling each other fags. Instead, within minutes, Logical Penguin posted this-
And, well, that’s about it. I now recognise no other banner. Fear the hordes of Earth, alien foes. We are the dong which is also a fist. We will cockpunch you into the next galaxy. Expect us.
In a situation of life imitating art (and I mean art), a flight was grounded in outback Australia after it was discovered a number of snakes being transported had escaped.
After a series of phone calls to Samuel L. Jackson resulted in nothing but an unmitigated stream of colourful language (colourful, coloured… because he’s black. Get it. Ha! Zing!), local authorities made the decision to fumigate the plane. The best chemicals money can buy were rolled in and pumped throughout the aircraft, while the mayor was heard remarking, “This will show those bloody snakes. They’re done for!”. Manical laughter followed, as the switch was thrown.
Upon later inspection, the bodies of the snakes were no where to be seen. At the press conference the public was assured “There’s no way the snakes could have gotten away. The chances are a million to one.” The whole odeal was soon forgotten by all involved as the next politcal issue raised it’s head.
Ominous music played as the plane was put back into service, leaving the possibility of a sequel wide open.
Despite it’s seemingly positive end, the event has shaken Australia to it’s core. With Steve Irwin now wrestling crocs in heaven, and corpse reanimation in its infancy, the country is defenceless from the huge number of dangerous and deadly creepy-crawlies that nest within it’s borders.
With the populace rapidly digging bomb shelters, and baricading themselves into various building, the government took the only option left to them.
They hired this guy:
Okay, maybe that’s just a picture of a random Kenyan bloke I got from google images but they have hired Kenyan, Ben Nyaumbe.
Ben (which means reptile-wrangler in Swahili), was out for an evening stroll one day when he was grabbed by a giant snake. “I stepped on a spongy thing on the ground and suddenly my leg was entangled with the body of a huge python.”
The python dragged him up a nearby tree, where Mr Nyaumbe then proceeded to bite and wrestle with the four-metre long beast, for three hours as it tried to crush and swallow him. At one point as the snake weakened its grip, he was able to struggle a hand free, grab his mobile phone and call police. He then dialed for a pizza and waited for help to arrive.
Police used rope to pull the tangled pair down and Mr Nyaumbe walked away with only a bloody lip from the sharp tail of the snake.
“I had to bite it.”
Mr Nyaumbe will now take the position of chief “Wild-life Biter”, and has already been dispatched to Batt Reef in search of sting rays.
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As an aside, it should be noted that the snake Mr Nyaumbe wrestled with was taken to a wild life park where it promptly escaped. The police are baffled: “We are still seriously looking for the snake,” said Supt Katam. “We want to arrest the snake because any one of us could fall a victim.”
Reports that the snake has obtained a false passport, a human skin, and is making his way to the land downunder cannot be confirmed at this stage.
Most of the world has never heard of Rugby League. Played by maybe 10 million people in 30 countries, it’s appeal is strongest in Australia, England, New Zealand, France, the Pacific islands and Papau New Guinea (where it’s the national sport). Sounds impressive but when you compare this to the 250 million who play soccer worldwide you can see it’s a minority sport at best. However for those of us who love the game, we wouldn’t swap it for anything.
I love my team, the Brisbane Broncos. I’m there through the good times and the bad. I’m no fair-weather-fan and in the last 5 years I’ve only missed 2 home games - 1 because of my honeymoon, and 1 because of the birth of my son. I’m quite proud of that…
But it seems there is at least one Rugby League fan who wouldn’t even bat an eye lid at my ‘achievement’. One woman whom inspires me to fear and awe.
Sue Dodds -
http://www.keighleycougars.info/sues-1000-game-cougar-journey-i710.html
Keighley Cougar (Rugby League Club)’s Co-operative Championship One game at Blackpool Panthers on Sunday will see Sue Dodds post a significant milepost – it will be her 1,000th successive game both home and away.
The 49-year-old mother of one and a local government officer clocks up this latest landmark in a continuous run of games that stretches back to February 1979.
“My biggest fear is that Cougars will play a game and I won’t be there,” said Sue. “I might have achieved my 1,000th game earlier but back in February 1979 there was a re-arranged Cup game against Huyton and it was played in the afternoon. I just couldn’t get time off work to go”.
Since then she’s covered thousands of miles watching the Cougars journeying to Pia in the South of France, various points in the south of England and quite a number of stadiums in Wales.
“There have been some great moments like when the Cougars won the old Third Division title in the 1992 -93 season – their first trophy of any kind for 90 years – and beating Huddersfield in the 1994 Divisional Premiership Final at Old Trafford.
“But there’s also been some tough times too especially in the 1980s when we finished bottom of the whole league.”
And, throughout the whole journey Sue has kept a detailed record of all the games she has seen.
And here’s some key statistics from her log book: She’s seen the Cougars win 462 matches, lose 505 and draw 32: During that time they’ve scored 20,874 points and concede 20,846 points: She’s watched them play on 79 different grounds: The most numerous visitors to Cougar Park have been Hunslet Hawks and Rochdale Hornets (28 games) and she’s followed the Cougars to Dewsbury Rams on 27 occasions!
“It’s a pity we don’t play Blackpool the week after because it would have coincided with the second game in the 1,000-game journey. It would have been good to have started and ended with the same club,” she said. “But I’ve enjoyed every game and I’m looking forward to building on my record”.
Neil Spencer, the Cougars’ Chairman, said: “Sue’s an amazing Cougars fan and I see her everywhere we go in the game. To have watched the club for so many successive games is an incredible achievement and she deserves real congratulations for staying so loyal to the club.
“We look forward to seeing her at many, many more matches.”
I hang my head in shame. Forgive me.
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Edit: Here have some big hits I found on youtube. You know you want to.
Apparently, while shopping, it’s not funny to put a reduced sticker on your son.
Apparently it’s not funny to put it on their forehead, so it causes them to break into a skin rash and when you go to take it off it causes your son to scream in pain because you’re struggling for several minutes to get it unstuck from his hair that it’s matted into.
Apparently it’s even less funny to do it again at home, just so you can take a photo for the website.
Sometimes I think my wife just doesn’t understand what’s funny.
Down from the heavens above, the Lord did say,
“Harken, my people.
What art cooler, than being cool?”
And from the lands below, the people did raise their voice as one.
“Ice cold!”
But the Lord questioned the devotion of his people. Repetition of the question was required.
“I cannot hear thou.
I pose, what art cooler than being cool?”
Again the people did respond with much fervour.
“Ice cold!”
Content with their ardour, He rested.