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With great power comes great responsibility…

With great power comes great responsibility…

“What are you doing?”

It was a question I received a lot lately but it still startled me from my nap.

“What do you mean? She said it was fine!” I said defensively. As my vision cleared I saw it was Bruce. “I thought you were in Denmark?”

Concern flashed across Bruce’s face. “Are you drunk? It doesn’t matter. What are you doing here in Stu’s office?”

“Ah, well that’s a tale even older than the language in which it was written. You see when a man loves a woman very much…”

He sighed.

“Okay, I’m sorry. I’m just taking the piss. I’m fine.” I used my foot to subtly hide the half full bottle of scotch lying on the floor next to my chair. “I’m acting CEO of olilolo while Stu is away marrying his child-bride.”

“You should really stop saying that. The rumours are affecting the stock price. She’s in her mid-twenties. There’s only six years between them.”

“True, but he started those rumours about me passing out naked in the city fountains.”

“That wasn’t Stu that was the papers. Remember, you have the article framed in your office? “City drunk takes a dunk” was the unimaginative headline if I recall.”

“I see. Well how can I help you then?”

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Thoughts of a Man Eating by Himself in a Sushi Train.

Thoughts of a Man Eating by Himself in a Sushi Train.

Oh man, please seat me at a booth, I know I’m by myself but I just want some space today. Damn. On the train line. Well, as long as someone doesn’t sit in one of the seats right next to… Oh come on, really? There’s so many other seats you’re just going to… forget it. All right, what should I get? What? Oh some green tea please. Now what should I.. What? Oh no, nothing from the menu, I’m in a bit of a hurry. Or am I? Nothing left to do this afternoon. I could sit here for hours, just watching the salmon rolls circle around and around. Maybe I should actually order som… oh, he’s gone. Oh well. Ooh, one of those ones with the chicken, I’ll grab that. Okay, this is a red plate so that’s… 5 bucks? Jesus, do they hand raise the chickens? Man, I’ve got to be more choosy. At this rate I’ll rack up a 40 dollar lunch bill. Oh nice, they do BBQ pork buns here? I’m getting them. How much are they? 4.50? Eh, I’ve got to get them. They’re delicious. Man, I’d better get something with seafood on it. It’s such a dumb westerner thing to do to come to a sushi train and not get any actual sushi. Oh man, I hope one of those ones with the scallops on it comes around this time. I love those. They never seem to have it ready. Man, where’s my green tea? I’ll be finished at this rate before they bring it. Oh, I should get that one, it looks interesting. Wait, do I want to take a gamble? I don’t want to spend too much. Oh well, it’s past now. Jennifer always loved coming to these things. Man, I can work chopsticks, but they always seem to package these thing so that it’s just larger than a mouthful. Ah shit, I dropped it. Damn. Wait, did I get some on my shirt? Damn it, this is my good shirt. The one I wear to meetings. Does Japanese mayonnaise leave a stain? Is that a thing? Oh nice, a prawn one, I’ll get that and… Wait, is that cucumber or avocado? DAMN IT, it’s avocado. When did they start putting avocado in every second roll at these places? Does Big Avocado have a stranglehold on the sushi and salad-bar industry? Jen loved avocado. I used to give her mine. OH DAMN that pork bun is hot. Shit. Breathe in and out, cool it down. Damn I can feel my tongue burning. Shit, is there any water? No, of course not. Damn it, just force it...

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Slew-do

Slew-do

“I say Mrs White, it seems there’s be a lot of homicide around here lately.” “Homicide? Whatever are you talking about?” “Well Colonel Mustard slaughtered that poor soul with a candle stick last week.” “Yes.” “…and Professor Plum disembowelled another a few days prior with a dagger in the Lounge.” “It was hardly disembowelled as much as a light stabbing Mrs Peacock.” “And only that same morning Miss Scarlett had hung another from the rafters of the Ballroom.” “I’ll never understand how someone as small as her was able to hoist him up there to be truthful.” “You don’t see a pattern here of people brutally having their lives taken?” “Well Reverend Green shot that man clean through the head with a pistol in the Kitchen. I wouldn’t really class that as brutal.” “No, no. I suppose you’re right on that. You did bludgeon the cook with the lead piping in the kitchen though Mrs White.” “He burned the scones. It was the second time this week. You yourself said you would have done it too if you’d hadn’t had a Bex and a lie down.” “Mrs White! Hush your tongue. I would never do such a thing. That mess took hours to clean up, especially since we butchered the maid the night before. No, no. I would have killed the dickens in a more delicate manner. That way we could just drag him through the conservatory and out into the mass grave.” “What about that time you thrashed that man’s skull with the spanner? I still have stains on my favourite hat you know Mrs Peacock. Don’t pretend you are above such violence.” “I was younger then. Oh well, I guess it’s time to go see to that stable boy waiting in the Library. My favourite filly broke her leg due to a shoddy shoe.” “The monster. Show no mercy now.” “Never Mrs White....

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The Ultimate Question

Here at olilolo.com we pride ourselves with being at the forefront of scientific research and political discussion. Our sensitivity and insights into important issues, backed up with hard facts, makes us the go to source for the world’s leading academics. So we’d like to present to you the latest chapter in our magnum opus of in-depth, world changing analysis… but instead I decided to do: Who’s better; Batman or Superman? With the upcoming Batman vs Superman movie there will be a number of articles written about this topic, so to break from the media pack and come at this issue with a fresh-set of eyes, I’m going to come in from a completely shallow, superficial viewpoint based entirely on my opinion. —– . Who’s prettier on the eye? This is of course quite subjective. Some like a clean cut man who looks after himself… …and some like the bad boy who doesn’t mind getting a little dirty. So since I’m a man whose interest swings towards the feminine, I decided the easiest way for me to solve this was simple. Who looks better as a girl? Overall I think we can agree that Supes takes out this one. Delicious shame. Superman 1. Batman 0. . Who has a cooler back story? One, Superman, is an alien, the last of his race. Sent off to an unknown world to save him from the destruction of his home world. It sounds great, but it doesn’t make any sense. Why didn’t others escape? They’re obviously technologically advanced. Didn’t anyone else consider grabbing a ship as the planet was falling apart? And where were his parents sending him? Had they ever been to Earth? Did they know what kind of world it was like? If they had, well see the argument above, go as a family. If they hadn’t, anything could have happened. What if he landed in the ocean? Or with criminals? Or into a North Korean death camp? What if the ship was attacked by space pirates? You’re not even meant to leave your kid in a car for a few minutes, but send him hurtling through space in a capsule for who knows how long, to who knows where. Seriously, the whole thing is child abuse. The other, Batman, is also an orphan but one driven to the edge of madness by the death of his parents. They didn’t go abandon him into the cosmic winds and hope for the best. These were good people who had their lives taken away from them by filthy criminals. This is what drives him, what makes him do what he does. It doesn’t make him a good person....

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Comic Book Movies They’ll Never Make: Animal Man

Comic Book Movies They’ll Never Make: Animal Man

So Comicon has wrapped up again for another year, passing into memory with a whiff of body odour and the squeaking of more PVC than is generally wise. It’s brought another flurry of announcements from major comic publishers and movie studios, getting people exciting for movies about to drop like Guardians of the Galaxy, and movies further off, like every other Marvel movie for the rest of time. DC’s contribution has been mostly spruiking their upcoming Superman V Batman movie, which has included revelations that Batman looks like Batman and Wonder Woman looks like Xena. So when one of the most iconic superheroes of all time has to be snuck into a different movie because DC isn’t sure she could support her own franchise, it’s fairly unlikely we’ll see any movie starring… ANIMAL MAN   Who the Hell is That? Buddy Baker was just an average guy until strange yellow space aliens bathed him with cosmic rays, as sometimes happens. He found that he now posessed the power to mimic the powers of animals, for example the strength of a gorilla or the flight of birds. The way his powers work and their limits are kind of vague,and seem to change depending on whatever the person writing him thinks is cool. He’s not a very good superhero. What Makes Them So Special? However he has been written extremely well over the years, and has become the poster-boy for obscure characters saved through reinvention.  Of course it didn’t start off so well. After just a handful of adventures in the 1960s and 70s, poor old Buddy found himself consigned to the scrap bin of forgotten comics characters. Then, as part of the British Invasion of comics in the 80s, led by now-forgotten nobodies  like Alan Moore and Neil Gaiman, Animal Man was chosen by Grant Morrison as a character he could play around with and break if he wanted to without jeopardizing DC’s Bat-shaped money machine. Morrison initially turned Buddy into a part-time superhero, who had to hold down a job and take his kids to school while also occasionally fighting crime. He then became an animal rights activist and used his powers to  fight for green causes. That alone would have been an interesting hook, but Morrison went one further. Buddy started to suspect there was something wrong with his life, something that didn’t add up. He goes on a quest to find himself, and then, in an unusual twist, actually does. This meeting leads Buddy to realise that he’s a fictional character, who exisits in a comic book universe. The page where this happens is one of the most iconic in comics, so...

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Gorilla Monday

Many a year ago, Gorilla Monday was a thing. post a picture, story or link to something gorilla related. Easy peasy. So since I’ve been slack, here’s exactly that.

The best thing about this is it isn’t parody.

Gorilla Monday

More information here.

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6 Beloved TV Shows That Were Cancelled Exactly When They Should Have Been

6 Beloved TV Shows That Were Cancelled Exactly When They Should Have Been

TV shows are funny things. Sometimes they’re cancelled before they really should be, leaving great fields of potential in the minds of their fans, of episodes and stories that would have been amazing if they’d just been allowed to exist. Other times shows overstay their welcome, continuing long after there’s any reason other than commercial for them to keep going. (cough) But some beloved shows, despite what fans might think, got cancelled exactly when they should have been, either by design, dumb luck, or as-yet-unconfirmed interference by time travelling TV critics from the future (which incidentally is my pitch for this pilot season)   6) DOLLHOUSE Ran for – 27 Episodes (2009-2010) IMDB synopsis – A futuristic laboratory assigns different tasks to its various residents, who then have their memories erased upon the completion of their assignments I’ve written before about how this was a notable Whedon flop, a show that seemed unfocused and unsure about what story it was telling and what point it was trying to make. It was given every chance to shine, and instead fumbled constantly with tone and character, which is sort of inevitable when your main character is a blank slate with a different personality every week. I still can’t decide whether they should have gone fully serialised straight away or stuck to a more mission-of-the-week format with little tidbits of the larger mythology thrown in, but instead of doing either of those, they decided to try and do both, and the resulting show was a weirdly compelling mess. Where it shone was in the two season finales, Epitaph One and Epitaph Two, which showed a near-future where the Rossum Corporation’s Doll technology had caused an apocalyptic breakdown of society, and the things people did in that world to survive. THAT was fantastic. I’m not sure why they didn’t make that show instead. Possibly because it allowed less opportunity for Eliza Dushku to wear bondage leathers. Which, hey man. I get it. But still, after two full seasons, this show had shown us everything it was capable of, and we’d decided that wasn’t enough.   5) THE CAPE Ran for- 10 Episodes, (2011) IMDB Synopsis– Vince Faraday is a cop who has been framed for murder leading him to fall off the grid and become the super hero known only as “The Cape” The Cape debuted in that weird period after NBC’s Heroes (which doesn’t qualify for this list as it continued way, WAY past the point it should have been put out of its misery) had made everyone start thinking about superheroes again, but before Marvel had really started to ratchet up its own characters in movies...

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